The Yorkies' Regular Features

Starting 11       The Word       The Matchup       After 90       The South Stand Report

Thursday, November 10, 2011

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Salacious mojo malarkey"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most trusted voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
Dear Stanley,
I have been married to my wife now for seven great years but I'm suddenly haunted with the fear that she may me cheating on me. Should I approach her with my worry? I'm at a loss - what do you think? Thanks. - Neil, Pickering ON
I say, Neil old lad, you watch where you throw those labels around! Branding one a cheater, a charlatan or a rogue can open up quite the proverbial worm-can. I remember being on a tour of Malta with Huddersfield Town back in 1954, me and useful poacher Terry Cavanagh ended up playing cards in a Valletta gambling emporium one night. Suddenly this one swarthy, fat Malteser bloke starts yelling at a skinny foreign lad about cheating and before you knew it - chopped his thumb right off! That digit flew across the room and landed in some old boy's soup. Put me off Minestrone for ages... and sausages for that matter. Hope that helped lad.
Hey Stan,
Going through a rough patch in the bedroom department at the moment - just can't seem to get my mojo going like it used to. Ever happen to you? - Nick, Vaughan ON
First of all boy, one starts a proper correspondence with "hello", "salutations" or in a stretch "cheerio". I say "hey" to my dog. Wonderful Alsatian named Douglas, great canine - smells a bit like egg. This bedroom rough patch you talk so eloquently of - I assume you mean you are having difficulty with some type of renovations? Argyle wallpaper I say, or in a pinch a nice pine siding - a bit like the dressing rooms at Derby County's Baseball Ground. If you, for some reason, meant anything more salacious with this "mojo" malarkey... then do some deep knee bends and buy some medicated balm. Cheerio!
Trying to get a jump on Christmas shopping this year. Can't decide whether to buy my girlfriend Toronto FC season tickets or something a bit more romantic. What would you recommend? Cheers - Aaron, Toronto ON

Oh lad - a lady at the football? You are the jovial prankster aren't you? Well done chap, you gave me a chuckle. First of all, Christmas isn't supposed to just be about gifts - it is a remembrance of a far greater gift. On that cold winter's night, wise men gathered under a star to witness a miracle... me slotting a 89th minute winner past Doncaster Rovers' keeper Harry Gregg in the FA Cup 2nd Round. King of kings! As far as your bird goes, you can never go wrong with saltine crackers or an iron - if you really want to push the boat out, I saw a replica 1990 England Chris Waddle shirt in the High Street. Magical ball skills - hair like a wet peacock. Glad to help.

Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue.

1 comment:

  1. I am very very intrigued to see where this goes. all I know is the world needs more 1950's northern footballer attitude. need to think of a good question here?