THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto v Houston... or Who does this matter more to?

 

What the hell was that all about?

Without any scientific data whatsoever to substantiate the following claims, here's the percentage of how the game actually went, in no particular order.

• 42% raining misery with terrible first half "action"
• 27% a lack of luck for Toronto
• 14% luck in favour of Houston
• 9% high-level time wasting by Houston after their red card expulsion of A.J. Cochran
• 3% Defoe being absentee Defoe (missed PK included in equation)
• 2% Hagglund thinking he's a forward now
• 1% quality finishing for Houston's Giles Barnes after Toronto defenders practically escorted them to Bendik's doorstep

Full Time : Toronto 0, Houston 1

To be fair, Vanney made the best substitutions at his disposal (not a compliment to the depth) at the right times.  Could have been a little earlier, perhaps, but not going to fault him. 

The side played like the shittiest games of Simon where everyone tonight couldn't remember the 4th note in the sequence.  Pass, pass, screw-up.  Houston were not that good, but Toronto were moreso worse.  The first half was bad.  The second half was a cavalcade of oh-so-close moments, shortly followed by swearing at someone (read: rather watchable).  Good saves, tragic deflections, smacking the woodwork a few times, howler misses; this had it all, complete with the TFC trademark wrapping of mediocrity.

If we have seen the last of Gilberto, then I am genuinely sad to see him go.  He's been a workhorse, passionate, and the kind of player any club could adore.  Not that this blog has a vote in who stays and who goes (we'd be champions by now!) but he will be missed more than any other bloody big signing Toronto has seen.  His absence was alarming, as he was good to go as of the day before and he'd have bagged two (of course, why wouldn't he).

@ignirtoq apologizes for the brevity of the report, but it was too drizzly to write any notes and it's late and it's a school night and he has to go to bed.

THE MATCHUP: Orange Is the New Bleurgh

TORONTO VS. HOUSTON

BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET

TV: TSN 4

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"El Problemo"

FACTS* AND STATS**

TORONTO FC

- This is Toronto FC's Must Win Match 7 in a series of 9

- "A problem": The last two words of most sad TFC supporter jokes if Dynamo go up by a goal

- "?": The official club line on the status of Bright Dike

- MLSE isn't too concerned with any possible adverse supporter reaction to a loss on Wednesday. Instead, angry fans will be invited to pick up a sledgehammer and take it to BMO Field's East Stand to vent frustrations - and save MLSE hundreds in demolition costs.

- "Witch's Tit": The accurate temperature forecast for a midweek evening fixture at BMO Field in October

HOUSTON DYNAMO

"Open": The position most likely to find Brad Davis in vs. Toronto

- "Irony": The grammatical tool used when using the word "dynamic" in relation to either of these two clubs

- With a loss, Dynamo face elimination from the MLS Playoffs. With electrocution, Dynamo faced elimination from The Running Man.

- Houston GK Tally Hall has once again won the prestigious "MLS Player That Most Sounds Like a Wealthy Country Club Billionaire Award"

- 0: Things that rhyme with "orange"

*Possibly

**Maybe

AFTER 90: Playing brawl

The blurst of times...

HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM

2014 is a season of new beginnings for TFC and we felt it was time to put a sad page in Reds' history to bed. With that in mind, we invited "The Escobar 3"... Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva and Nick Soolsma - TFC's notorious Houston nightclub scuffle arrestees - back to watch this match with us at a Texan bar to prove that those negative times are all in the past and they are on the straight and narrow. Luis Silva still has a job in this league so he couldn't be here. But the other two are hardly out curing cancer... so on to the match!

FIRST HALF:
1' - TFC are looking to make it two in a row in seven days against Dynamo tonight. Miguel Aceval is looking to make it two shots of Jägermeister in a row in seven seconds tonight... and yes.
5' - Reds looking sharp to start. Nick Soolsma keeps disappearing to the men's room.
11' - GOAL: HOUSTON - Bradley Orr with a sweet touch and soft pass to set up... Houston's Will Bruin. Brainfartage of the highest degree. Miguel Aceval still thinks Bradley Orr "is the shit, dude" because he can handle himself at a bar.
HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 0
15' - Soolsma's back at the table. Asks us if "we wanna party?", Aceval says "does the pope shit in the woods?" and Soolsma reaches into his Euro-style man bag... and brings out his pet kitty-cat "Suarez". Aceval yells "Pusss-ayyy!"
17' - Joe Bendik doing the Super Pickle routine as he stops Brad Davis point blank.
18' - GOAL: TORONTO - On the impending counter attack, Gilberto ends up on the receiving end of the direct passing, slices through Dynamo's defence and slots past Tally Hall.
HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 1
27' - GOAL: HOUSTON - Giles Barnes takes a look at TFC's makeshift defence, has a giggle, and takes a big blast which flies past Joe Bendik.
HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 1
29' - PENALTY: This one is coo coo for cocoa puffs as Luke Moore is hauled down in the box. Michael Bradley confidently steps up to take it... and hits the post. Nick Soolsma just fell off his barstool. He wasn't watching the game or anything though.
35' - Uh oh. Trouble brewing here as Nick Soolsma changed the jukebox from country and western to Aqua's "Barbie Girl". Lots of angry looks. Aceval's shirt is suddenly half unbuttoned.
40' - Dynamo happy to take their chances with a series of dangerous long-distance shots at Bendik.
44' - Miguel Aceval just told the room he "has to go let a Chilean miner escape" before going to the bathroom.
45'+ - GOAL: TORONTO - Luke Moore with a lovely run into Houston's box and a sharp pass across goal that bounces off a shocked Dominic Oduro who may have been thinking about pizza.
HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

HALFTIME: HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

SECOND HALF:
46' - You have no idea how much these two can consume in 15 minutes. Frightening. Soolsma is having an argument about the pros and cons of declawing with a pinball machine.
50' - Luke Moore having his best match in a TFC kit.
55' - Suarez Soolsma just killed the buzz by talking about Feline AIDS
64' - SUB: Gilberto OFF / Jermain Defoe ON
64' - Aceval does a shot for the substitution. We weren't playing any game like that.
67' - Dynamo throwing the kitchen sink at TFC.
68' - Line cook came out to complain that Nick Soolsma is throwing up in the kitchen sink.
70' - SUB: Jonathan Osorio OFF / Dan Lovitz ON
70' - Aceval just bought everyone in the bar a shot. Now he just asked the cat if he has any money. Shit.
72' - Neither side look content to hold out for a draw tonight.
73' - Nick Soolsma is trying desperately to call Luis Silva on a pay phone. Sadly he's talking into a napkin holder.
75' - SUB: Luke Moore OFF / Dwayne De Rosario ON
76' - Bendik with another massive save. If his distribution was as consistent as his shot blocking he'd be considered one of the league's best.
80' - Aww crap - someone has called the cops! NO MIGUEL DON'T TRY TO RUN!
83' - Defoe and Warren Creavalle go a bit handbags but cooler heads prevail.
88' - All kicking off now as Defoe and David Horst roll about and scrap. Defoe's yellow meaning he misses next match but can play 90 minutes against Spurs.. Conspiracy line to the left please.
89' - All kicking off here at the bar as Suarez Soolsma just hissed at the cops! Why is Nicky riding Aceval's shoulders!!! No!!!
90'+ - Well that was all a bit nutso of an ending. And no, I mean the wackiness at the stadium. A scrappy, shooting gallery with a bit of everything. TFC could have won as equally as they could have lost so another point in a very tough environment is ok in the grand scheme of things. Meanwhile back at the bar...
90'++ - "SOMEBODY CALL JULIAN B. GUZMAN!!!"
　

FULL TIME: HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 7.5 / Nick Hagglund 6.5 / Bradley Orr 5.5 / Doneil Henry 6 / Justin Morrow 6 / Dominic Oduro 6.5 / Michael Bradley 6.5 / Collen Warner 6 / Jonathan Osorio 6 (Dan Lovitz 5.5) / Luke Moore 7.5 (Dwayne De Rosario 5.5) / Gilberto 7 (Jermain Defoe 6)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Joe Bendik



THE MATCHUP: Orange is the New Onyx: Season 2

HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM - SATURDAY 9PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Copa Del Escobar"

FACTS* & STATS**
HOUSTON DYNAMO
- In the previous fixture against Toronto, Houston forward Brad Davis had 98% possession of the ball in the first 20 minutes.
- Giles Barnes and Tally Hall lead MLS in "Sounding Like Wealthy Country Gentlemen"
- 38% of all league defenders claim to suffer from "Temporary Orange Blindness" after a Dynamo counter-attack.
- Contrary to internet rumours, Will Bruin is not in fact half-bear cub. Wild.
- 98: Percentage of arguments won by Dynamo co-owner Oscar De La Hoya at MLS Board meetings after he cracks his knuckles dramatically.
- BBQ Sauce-related injuries have dropped by 7% at BBVA Compass Stadium since 2013.
- In the off-season, Dynamo forward Omar Cummings hosts a weekly cable-access current events show in his native Jamaica called "Cummings & Goings"

TORONTO FC
- TFC's "onyx" alternate kit could reach 63 Degrees Celsius in the Texas sun.
- Ex-TFC defender Miguel Aceval is listed as "Day-To-Day" in regards to appearing at Houston nightspot Club Escobar.
- 180: The SPF level in the suntan lotion TFC medical staff apply liberally to team albino Kyle Bekker.
- 10% of all Houston-area jail bonds are posted by a "Julian B. Guzman"
- 23: Former kit number of ex-TFC winger Alvaro Rey and also the same amount of minutes he spent in Columbus, Ohio before begging Crew to release him.
- 9: Average number of times Andrew Wiedeman dramatically takes of his designer sunglasses in the press box over 90 minutes.
- 88: Level of Candy Crush that Steven Caldwell is stuck on. Sweet.

　
*Maybe
**Possibly

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Houston... Or Is There No Place Like Home?

DC was disappointing but they were quality (Hamid being Hamid).  But this is Houston, league leaders in losses, let's see what we can get out of this match. Gilberto appears to be in game shape so maybe if we're all well behaved, Uncle Ryan will give us some 4-3-3!

The line up is out.  Guess we're not behaved...  4-4-2.

Onto the match:

13' -  GOAL -  Davis left wide open on the right side leaving Bendik out to dry.   Bottom right corner.
ROBINS 0, CREAMSICLES 1

18' - Clark for Houston has streaks in his hair that makes it look like a bike helmet. Ha.

28' - Defoe free kick from the edge of the box forces Hall to top palm the ball over the bar

29' -  GOAL - Davis wide on the right, slides the ball under Bendik.
ROBINS 0, CREAMSICLES 2

34' - Yellow #1 to Houston

39' - GOAL - defoe pops a ball over his mark and it's bobbled by Hall,  leaving Osorio to clean up the mess and bury it.
ROBINS 1, CREAMSICLES 2

44' -  GOAL - Defoe lays off a ball to Oduro.  First shot stopped but picks up his own rebound and buried it.  The villiagers go bananas.
ROBINS 2, CREAMSICLES 2

Half time mood: beyond thrilled

56' - Yellow #5 to Houston 

58' - SUB - Oduro off for Lovitz

59' - Yellow #6 to Houston

59' - Free kick from Lovitz finds Caldwell who just heads it over the bar

63' - GOAL- Defoe streaks into the box on an angle and nutmegs Hall.
ROBINS 3, CREAMSICLES 2
65' -  Barnes beats Caldwell on the wing with no one to beat but Bendik. Puts it past him and the far post. Bullet dodged.  Caldwell limps off hurt.

68' -  SUB - Orr in for Caldwell

68' - Lovitz breaks in on a counter and instead of shooting,  cuts in to beat a defender and loses the ball.

73'- Houston floated cross into the box headed toward goal but grabbed at the line by Bendik.

80' - SUB - Moore comes off and Gilberto comes in

84' - Gilberto streaks down the right has a go and beats Hall but not the left post.  Didn't miss by much.

86' - Oh.  Clark is wearing a helmet.  Part of the Petr Cech collection I guess. Now I feel stupid. I blame the far away seats we have...

89' - GOAL - Oh we're on dream street! Defoe collects a blown back pass from 35 yards out (maybe, I can't remember) and breaks in one on one with Hall.  First shot is mostly stopped, but the rebound gets buried.
ROBINS 4, CREAMSICLES 2

3 minutes of extra time

FULL TIME : TORONTO 4, HOUSTON 2

In game prediction : Tonight's game question was how many cards will Toledo hand out without going over!  And I won by doubly accurately predicting 6 cards and all yellow!  Boom!  Genius.

@kzknowles 7, @RedWineRoz 4, @DuncanDFletcher 5 (3 yellow, 2 red specifically), @ignirtoq 6 (all yellow), Dom 4, @jonarthur's son 9

Man of the Match : Defoe.  2 goals, 2 assists

Goat of the Game : Whoever the player was supposed to mark Hall.  You know what... nevermind.  No one.  #bliss

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  In Toledo-terms, this is as flawless as he can possibly be.

Kit Spotting : I'm going to give it to the woman in the Eintracht Frankfurt away kit.  I'm not going to give it to the two people in the crowd with US Men's National Team AstroPop kits.

I Am Not the Gaffer But... : I'm glad today I wasn't because someone would've been subbed after the second goal.

In Case You PVR'd It : Watch it all.   It was a classic.  Show your kids.

What can be said other than the resilience was staggering. If you ever waivered that this club has yet to turn into a juggernaut or whatever this monster of a team is, this was a glimpse of what can be.  Never quit, Defoe was a major factor in all the goals, they fixed their problems before the half was over.  Understanding that this could all come undone on Wednesday, but we witnessed the future and it is glorious. (/hyperbole)

Player Ratings : Bendik 6.5, Bloom 6, Caldwell 6 [Orr N/A], Henry 6.5, Morrow 6, Oduro 7.5 [Lovitz N/A], Warner, Osorio 7, Jackson 6.5, Defoe 9.5, Moore 6 [Gilberto N/A]

@ignirtoq lost the classic quote that Dom had about how the ref hasn't screwed up the match and it's far too late to go and wrangle up the exact verbage, but just know it was classic and he deeply regrets losing it.

THE MATCHUP: Orange is the New Onyx

TORONTO VS. HOUSTON
BMO FIELD: SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

Our regular match preview has been pre-empted by this modern art piece which highlights all of our favourite examples of Dynamo that exist in the football world...
 

AFTER 90: Runs with orange

"Clap if you love Dynamo!"

HOUSTON VS. TORONTO

BBVA COMPASS STADIUM

FIRST HALF:

KICK OFF - A hot night awaits TFC in "The Town that Astroturf Built". Dressed for success - if that success is a 1986 Netherlands/Creamsicle mash-up - are the always tough Dynamo. Sadly not awaiting them - Dynamo, the fat stalker from "The Running Man" game show so cruelly taken in the prime of his life. "Who loves you, and who do you love?" Yeah, this report's gonna be all over the joint.

2' - The hunt for goals is on... "Tally Hall!"

7' - Both teams feeling each other out early on. Not that way. Perv.

7' - Anybody know what's going on at Club Escobar later?

13' - Luis Silva cuts a short pass into the box. The nearest Red was in Dallas.

16' - Doneil Henry salmon-leaps onto a corner but too much crown not enough forehead - easily saved. Tally Ho!

23' - Steven Caldwell knees a goal-bound loose ball into touch. Very close.

26' - Will Bruin is inches from putting Dynamo ahead with his head. Very closer.

30' - Ryan Richter the definite goat so far. A bit like Professor Subzero in "The Running Man". You may have heard of the film. It was based on a true story.

34' - Luis Silva has got to work on short cut-in passes. Two missed assist opportunities and counting.

42' - "Orange Crush" fizzing at the moment. One way traffic but luckily for TFC they haven't found a good finish.

45' - Unlike resistance fighter and "runner" William Laughlin, The Reds are still alive at the halfway mark. That was a reference from a documentary called "The Running Man" by the way. Now available on BetaMax.

　

HALFTIME: HOUSTON 0 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:

47' - Reds press early but scramble sees both Darren O'Dea and Matias Laba rolling on pitch in pain. Or as TFC supporters called the scene: "motherf**********************ck". Neither required a hole to be buried in.

55' - Reds dropping to ground like flies. Doneil Henry looking like a giraffe shot by a poacher.

59' - SUB: Jeremy Brockie on for Luis Silva

60' - Thousands of fans* upset that Joe Bendik has changed goalkeeping outfits choosing a double-blue ensemble over his famous "Giant Pickle" costume. (*Possibly one fan)

64' - Robert Earnshaw with a weak effort on goal. The Welshman seems to have a powerbar that won't pass 50% tonight

70' - BBVA Compass Stadium is the centrepiece of Downtown Houston's major rebuilding effort after the devastating damage caused by President Whitmore's orders to nuke the city during 1996's tragic Independence Day alien invasion. #NeverForget

72' - Jeremy Brockie has been a tremendous spark plug since his introduction. "It's Business Time"

77' - SUB: Danny Koevermans on for Robert Earnshaw

80' - SUB: Darel "The Roy G." Russel on for Bobby Convey

83' - Houston throwing the kitchen sink at TFC. It's orange porcelain. Very nice.

88' - Reds fighting hard and trying to run out the match. If only there were a decent film reference to illuminate this.
90'+ - Major League Bum Squeaking

FULL TIME: HOUSTON 0 - TORONTO

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 7 / Ryan Richter 5 / Doneil Henry 5.5 / Steven Caldwell 7.5 / Darren O'Dea 6.5 / Jonathan Osorio 6.5 / Matias Laba 6 / Jeremy Hall 6.5 / Bobby Convey 6 (Darel Russel N/A) / Luis Silva 5 (Jeremy Brockie 7 ) / Robert Earnshaw 5.5 (Danny Koevermans N/A)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Steven Caldwell

THE BATH:

Much like wrongfully convicted hero Ben Richards (in the 1987 biopic "The Running Man"), TFC had to overcome the odds and survive wildly dressed foes in a dystopian wasteland... er... Texas. It wasn't the most artistic thing to watch for two hours but it did the job. TFC we mean - not hit 1987 docudrama "The Running Man"

 

Credit where it's due - The Reds had to scrap tonight to get the draw - the club's first clean sheet of the season. However, it was only the trench-like defending led by Steven Caldwell that kept Toronto in the match as the team's offensive output is still... well... offensive.

 

An opponent that was firing on all cylinders would have likely grabbed a goal against TFC especially during a panic filled last 10 minutes. That being said, it is two matches on the trot where Ryan Nelsen can say his squad was "hard to beat".

 

If only they had a Predator up front. Wait... that's not right. Commando? Nuts to this, I'm going to eat a Creamsicle.



Totally Texshan!

THE MATCHUP: Reds seek Mission Control

TFC's scouting department searches for the "big target"



HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
　
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM - SATURDAY 9PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
"Houston we have.... etc. etc.". We thought we would be able to stop using that hackneyed line for away fixtures to Dynamo years ago. Sadly not. However, fresh off of the TFC equivalent of a comet's passing - an away victory - The Reds will be looking to maintain some semblance of their "hard to beat" trajectory and not slip back into bad habits.
　
Last week's solid performances by the likes of Steven Caldwell and Matias Laba need to be continued and added upon by their comrades. Despite Houston's claims that they are having a sub-par season (6-5-4 - so dreamy!), it is a tough place to play at the best of times and The Reds will have to be at their best to grab some points. If not, prepare for the launch of the usual Houston excuses: "the heat", "orange blindness" and or "Club Escobar".
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"El Problissimo"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
HOUSTON: Giles Barnes, Oscar Boniek Garcia, Brad Davis
TORONTO: Steven Caldwell, Robert Earnshaw, Matias Laba
　
THE ODDS:
- Reds unable to find "space" in midfield: 10-1
- Team burning up in the "atmosphere" 5-1
- TFC looking like Uranus: 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
While BMO Field security has had more than a few run-ins with TFC supporters who have ignited flares in the South End (those are only for corporate promotions gentlemen!) it is nothing compared to what their compatriots at BBVA Compass Stadium have dealt with. New Dynamo "ultra" supporters group "The Apollo Boyz" - made up mostly of laid off NASA employees" managed to sneak in a full moon-landing era Saturn V rocket into the new stadium and attempted to light it in their supporters' section. Luckily for security the rocket failed to ignite which ironically emboldened rival supporters group "The Dynamo Truth Commission" whose main functions are "cheering on Houston Dynamo and debunking the moon landing myth".
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "WEIGHTLESS REDS FAIL TO LAUNCH"

And... Since it's Friday and TFC's attack will keep running out of space... "Play close attention!" BOING!

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Houston... or I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush

No, I don't like R.E.M., I just wanted a song lyric with "orange" in it.

Now we discuss the weather.  For the last three or four days, the temperature broke double digits, with a high of 23C.  As of writing this, it's 2C.  That's, like 36F for our American reader (hey man, thanks for reading).  By Monday, it goes back up to double digits.  Why is the warmest game thus far the one in late March?  Stupid ass weather... at least enough lessons were learned so that I know to wear a winter coat.

The one story that I'm following this afternoon is the rise of SuperBendik(TM), and can he carry forward from the "Performance of the Year" (seriously MLS, how did you screw that up not giving him player of the week?).  Yes, it's a high expectation from the young man, but why the hell not.  Also, the new makeshift backline as both Russell and Ecks are out with injuries.

Starting XI:

Bendik

Richter - Agbossoumonde - O'Dea - Emory

Lambe - Hall - Silva - Ephraim

Braun - Earnshaw

Legend for tonight's report, anything in blue was written at the game, anything in black was written long afterwards.

On to the match : 

1' - Good lord it's cold.  That wind... 

6' - Earnshaw shot beats Tally Hall, but crossbar. 

12'  - Possession Houston midfield

16' - Toronto defend holding Houstn fro attk

23' - Clear ball, no far, H attks

Quote of the Match:

Wll Bruin lik hot dg ghost on rigt

~ Dom saying something amusing. I think.

28' - O'D stp attk

30' - This pen suks. Ink no

31' - Agabossamun clear

34' - Agbssmn def

41' - Lambe baa baa

42' - Agss

Really from the 7th minute until the 45th, nothing important happened, because, frankly, I like my fingers.  It's cold.  Beginning to think my addiction to live footy is having an adverse affect on my well-being.  Seriously, to the 10,000 people who didn't show up*, you are the smart ones.  Sure, there was a pile of action with Toronto defending from a non-threatening Houston aggression.  Few attempts near the penalty area.  Kinda boring, and far from worth the frozen appendages.

* = provided the place would sell out as it wasn't even close to the announced attendance of 15,000

Half-time mood : f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fff....f-f-f-f-f...

49' - Lambe 5 stp ovrs, pass Earnshaw offsid.  Baa Lambe.  Too mny.

53' - Heheh, Braun = Koevers Light

58' - GOAL - Silva cross, just misses Earnshaw, but gets cleared out to Jeremy Hall, who has a go from 25 yards out and beats Tally Hall low and to the right.
ROBINS 1 - CREAMSICLES 0

Me: It's like the inside of a creamsicle, but the inside never tasted like it was made of cream.  Probably something gross like bull semen.
Tony: Now that's Good Humor

~ a conversation remarking on the Houston kits

61' - Found a new pen.  Can write more before fingers numb.

62' - Red card for Houston's Taylor as he took out Earnshaw who was about to be away on goal

63' - Earnshaw with back to goal, pops shot over his head, chips keeper brilliantly but crossbar too

65' - Flurries.  Shit.

68' - Silva pops a low ball into the box, Braun goes for Superman header, but stopped by Tally Hall

69' - Silva tries to nutmeg the keeper, but Tally Hall stops it.

73' - YELLOW - Lambe something.

73' - SUB - Silva off, Osorio on.  Huh?

85' - SUB - Earnshaw for Wiedeman.  Probably rest.  Ran lots.

Wiedeman is coming on!  It's 4/20 today!

~ @kzknowles with a terrible,
but greatly appreciated, timely stoner pun

89' - SUB - Emory hurt ankle. Henry

4 minutes of extra time

90+1' - Clear ball!  Clr!  CR!

90+3' - GOAL - Shit.  Corner.  Creavalle headed 5 yds out.  LA, Philly, deja vu!
ROBINS 1, CREAMSICLES 1

Full Time : TORONTO 1, HOUSTON 1

Man of the Match : We disputed who should get it, and because we couldn't make a compelling argument for anyone else, Silva gets the nod.  O'Dea was having a good game until the very end.  And I refuse to give the nod to Jeremy Hall

Goat of the Game : none, really.

Ref Rating : 5 out of 5.  Really, it's more 4 out of 5, but given how most of the other crews would've blown the straight red earlier, I give them the full marks and I expect them to be fired from MLS by Monday.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : Why did Silva come off?  That blew my mind!  Granted, Toronto's game didn't seem to start until the beginning of the second half, and when they were playing aggressive and creatively, however Silva was either a major part of the creativity or having a quality go.  His contribution was evident as he was playing, and seeing the 4th official's numbers, it was bizarre to think he was coming off.  With Osorio's addition, there might have been 2 real chances after that.

Who else's face is wind burnt?  And what the hell was up with the flurries?... I might be crazy, but as soon as the mighty Robins were playing with the wind in the second half, they looked composed and confident.  First half was a weird settling in stage.  Braun went from invisible liability to being a functional member of society... Braun doesn't seem to be the strongest with a pass or a touch, but has a killer instinct.  He came close a few times sniffing at goal... It's too damn cold for kit spotting yet.  Wednesday should be a high of 9C, which is practically shorts weather... I rated Ephraim based on how he didn't mess up, and aside from one or two touches, he was pretty good... Latest gaffe involving the subliminal attempt to get a bird that isn't a Robin associated with this club, Bitchy, the falcon that barrels down the players tunnel and then sits on her perch sought freedom this time, and buggered off up to the second deck.  It would've been far funnier if she took off and never was seen from again... If football ended at 90 minutes like in the good old days of MLS, this club would have 4 more points than they currently have (there's no way I'd want that back, I'm just saying).

Player Ratings : Bendik 7, Richter 6, Agbossoumonde 6, O'Dea 6.5, Emory 6.5 [Henry N/A], Lambe 6.5, Hall 6.5, Silva 7 [Osorio N/A], Ephraim 6, Braun 6, Earnshaw 6.5 [Wiedeman N/A]

@ignirtoq finally thawed out about an hour and half after he returned home.  He wildly anticipates the pending increased GO Train service on weekends so he doesn't have to wait 45 f'ing minutes post match.  It's not like each match has been a secret for years or that there's congestion preventing one additional train.But he's not angry or anything...

THE MATCHUP: HOU are ya?

"Joe Bendik. Let me tell ya' - Joe Bendik... no respect!"

TORONTO VS. HOUSTON
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4PM
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Tarting up a TFC v Dynamo fixture is like putting lipstick on the proverbial piggy. Try as we might, there is so little marketable friction between these two "Eastern Conference rivals". Even between the two cities there is nowt to fluff. We can only use "Houston we have a problem", the fat dude from Running Man and Warren Moon gags so often. Club Escobar was a nice brief treat.
　
Thus, the highly unhilarious narrative for this match is entirely football related (go figure) and centered on TFC's prospective squad selection. With the big Voyageurs Cup semi-final 1st Leg vs. Montreal next Wednesday, will Ryan Nelsen elect to rest some regular starters? Despite TFC's new resilient play in 2013, playoffs are still considered a very long shot and the V-Cup likely provides the club with its best shot at glory. If the importance of national gloat rights, which we in Toronto enjoy immensely, is evident to the new management then perhaps names like Ryan Richter, Doneil Henry and Justin Braun see more minutes on Saturday. This damp squib fixture may get damper in the quest for some silverware. Did we mention Club Escobar?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Adrian Serioux Testimonial"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Robert Earnshaw, Luis Silva
HOUSTON: Giles Barnes, Brad Davis, Kofi Sarkodie
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC wins - considered a "fluke": 10-1
- TFC loses - considered "business as usual": 5-1
- TFC grabs a draw - blamed on the weather: 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
One of the most pleasant TFC surprises in 2013 has been the play of 'keeper Joe Bendik. The unexpectedly solid displays have made Reds supporters take notice but the same can't be said of Major League Soccer. Despite numerous point-grabbing stops, Bendik is only ranked 185th in the league's "Castrol Official Performance Index". While being lauded by motor oil is not all that important in the grand scheme of things, those ranked above him are just unjustified:
# 30:- Carlo Cudicini - GK Los Angeles
# 78: Bobby Shuttleworth - GK New England
# 92:- The left goal post at Crew Stadium
# 113: FC Dallas mascot "Tex Hooper"
# 129: A pylon
# 154: An actual bottle of Castrol motor oil
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "ORANGE YOU GLAD YOU STAYED HOME?"



Never forget.

AFTER 90: Grand Theft Dunfield

"To Club Escobar! Tell 'em Terry sent ya!"

THE BUZZ:

Will the choice to play a B squad destroy any chance of TFC fight?

At this point in TFC's season does it really matter?

Will fans feel let down if TFC loses to Santos Laguna anyways?

Do you guys know any good clubs in Houston for later?

Is that Miguel Aceval over there?

Did someone put something in my drink..?

Are these Paul Mariner's shorts?

FIRST HALF:

21' - GOAL: Houston: Will Bruin

HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO

FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: A TFC record six defended corner kicks

FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: That hole where a midfield should be

HALFTIME: HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:

59' - SUB: Eric Avila on for Andrew Wiedeman

68' - SUB: Ashtone Morgan on for Logan Emory

85' - GOAL: Toronto: Terry Dunfield

HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 1

89' - SUB: Adrian Cann on for Quincy Amerikwa

SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Terry Bearfeather's smash n' grab

SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Paul Mariner saying that this was "the best the team had looked in a long time." Umm. Okay.

FULL TIME: HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 1

PLAYER RATINGS: Freddy Hall 5.5 / Jeremy Hall 6 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Darren O'Dea 7 / Logan Emory 6 (Ashtone Morgan 6) / Andrew Wiedeman 5 (Eric Avila N/A) / Aaron Maund 5.5 / Terry Dunfield 6.5 / Ryan Johnson 5 / Quincy Amarikwa 5.5 (Adrian Cann N/A) / Luis Silva 6.5

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Darren O'Dea

THE MOOD:

The criminal masterminds that are TFC have once again got a felony on their hands in Houston, Texas. No Torsten Frings wasn't arrested at Club Escobar's "Hot Bavarian Fridays" but rather Terry "Canadian Pirlo" Dunfield stole a late equalizing goal in a match that saw Houston dominate TFC. Was it a well-crafted "rope-a-dope" by Paul Mariner to lull Houston into naptime? Not likely but it showed that The Reds didn't give up and had heart if not anything in the way of tactics.

 

Many will agree with Mariner's choice to sit the starters in preparation for Santos Laguna's CCL visit. It's hard to argue prioritizing the CCL over MLS right now as TFC have no hope at the playoffs. However, if the manager doesn't find a way to make The Reds a far more potent offensive threat then smash n' grabs will be the only results they muster and Central America is no place to go and try to steal anything.

THE MATCHUP: Not in Da Club



HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
　
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: TSN2
　
THE KICKABOUT:
In a year of terrible headlines for Toronto FC, none may match those that followed the club's last visit to Houston for sheer farce. The arrest of three Reds - Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva and Nick Soolsma - may have been much ado about little but it sort of encapsulated the embarrassment of all things TFC. Stumbling, bumbling and only being famous for doing everything wrong.
　
On the field, the story has been equally lamentable. It was this very same Dynamo team who started TFC's current MLS winless streak (5 matches and counting) by defeating The Reds 2-0 at BMO Field and will push Toronto hard towards another road loss. Despite new faces and a new regime, TFC has returned to familiar territory and a loss to Houston coupled with a potential banana skin against Santos Laguna in CCL will have fans lighting torches. With season ticket renewal time around the corner, MLSE must wish its worst problem was at Club Escobar.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Escobar II: Luigi's Revenge"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
HOUSTON: Brad Davis, Oscar Boniek Garcia, Cam Weaver
TORONTO: Richard Eckersley, Darren O'Dea, Luis Silva
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC setting player curfew for 1PM: 2-1
- Miguel Aceval found wandering shoeless at stadium: 3-1
- Nick Soolsma's case accusing the Houston Police Department of "Feline Profiling" leading to a cash settlement: 500-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
"Where are they now?" 'The TFC Three':
The case of Toronto FC's three most hardened criminals - well apart from Martin Saric (shoplifting), Maxim Usanov (horse punching) and Collin Samuel (death by chocolate) - has been well documented but what has happened to the three since that night at Club Escobar?

LUIS SILVA: The only job-survivor of the three continues to ply his trade in Toronto while wondering what bad karma led to TFC drafting him. He has scored a few goals against all odds while never giving up his dream of impersonating a young Freddie Mercury on Broadway.
NICK SOOLSMA: The ever-youthful Dutchman has gone back the The Netherlands with his cat tail between his legs. Met at Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam by his trusted cat "Suarez" (who sprayed him in disgust), Soolsma has taken an oath of sobriety and has opened a cattery outside of The Hague for alcoholic kitties. He continues his work as the poster boy for "Dutch Boy Paints".
MIGUEL ACEVAL: While waiting for his eyes to go straight for the first time since his mugshot, the burley South American has returned home to straighten out his life and "work on his music". His famous left-foot has come in handy for kicking empty bottles down the lonely streets of Santiago. Wants to pursue a career in Chilean mining.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC ON THE WRONG SIDE OF PLAYOFF VELVET ROPE"
　
And... Since it's Friday and we all love to watch dangerous behaviour, here's some footage outside of Nick Soolsma's motel room the last time TFC were in Houston. Pretty sure that's Ty Harden in the yellow. MAJOR LAMBZER!

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Houston... or Houston... we have a cliché!

So where we last left our heroes local football team, Toronto FC are on a 3-match win streak, putting down the likes of Vancouver, New England and Colorado.  With a somewhat shocking draw versus Liverpool C from Toronto B, there was a sense of hope with the academy kids and trialists.  After a break from the all-star break where Toronto graciously let everyone else in the league have a rest, we're back in full swing.

In off-pitch drama, no one seems to have AN explanation (never mind a poor explanation) as to why Olaf Mellberg was not allowed to sign for Toronto FC.  The silence from Toronto's front office and the league body that struck it down leads me to believe that the legal team is still attempting to justify the blocking and then let us all know by Tuesday why Toronto can't shore up a quality centreback.

Houston is unbeaten in six, with three wins in a row by a total score of 9-1.  But it was a home stand, so let's see how they handle the cold* of Toronto.

* = it's not really cold, we have this system called Celcius that the majority of the planet uses in comparison to the antiquated Fahrenheit so 27 degrees is quite warm

Predictions were almost unanimously 2-1 pro-Robins from myself, @kzknowles and others. Some had 1-1 and a 2-2 draw.

On to the match...

-7' - Before the teams came out and anthems played... when announcing Amarikwa in the starting XI, the name on the screen belonged to that of former right winger and cat enthusiast, Nick Soolsma.  That was brilliant.

11' - Amarikwa goes for legend status right away nearly missing on a beautiful bicycle kick attempt from 16 yards out.


Quote of the Match :

Jamiroquai's pretty good.

~ @RohanKoomar commenting on Amarikwa's debut

45' - GOAL - Corner kick gets headed on to Carr who leaves his marker planted and pops it past Kocic.  His marker was Dunfield.
Robins 0, Tangerines 1

Half Time Mood : sleepy.

47' - YELLOW - Henry for a tackle outside of the box.

53' - YELLOW - Eckersley gets books for kicking the ball away after clearly tackling his man.  Seems fair. #NoItIsn't

55' - Amarikwa gets hauled down in the box after beating a defender, no call.  TFC fights hard enough to earn a free kick just outside the box for an unrelated incident. #idiotRef

62' - SUB - Amarikwa off for Wiedeman.  Good first showing for the kid.

83' - SUB - Hall comes in for Henry and Maund enters the game for Emory.  Sooooooooo we're not playing for the point?

86' - GOAL - Houston build-up has a neat pass finding Brian Ching dead centre of goal and no chance - again - for Kocic.
Robins 0, Tangerines 2

4 minutes of extra suffering and melancholy

FULL TIME : Toronto 0, Houston 2

Man of the Match : Ecks was a beast.

Goat of the Game : Though he didn't have a bad game, Terry Dunfield was responsible for his marker in the first goal, just left in the dust.

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5.  Terrible.  Inconsistent.  MLS-grade officiating.  What else is new.


Kit Spotting : we saw Hajduk Split away, Southampton away, Dortmund home and the winner had to go to the Forest home kit. Looked classy.

Half the side looked very capable, ambitious and hungry.  The other half of the side looked confused and out of sorts.  I'm going to out Johnson, Silva, Emory as some of the bigger offenders... Good lord it was hot.  The club needs to consider a roof for the south end.  Sure, the revenues don't add up to helping us out, but we're awesome... A special shout out to Danny K and I hope he's resting, recouping and enjoying playing Settlers of Catan... We should do our part for the club we so dearly "love" and scour any Craigslist listings for a centreback for hire.  Can't possibly do much worse... Hassli wasn't on the bench as he's not 100% ready to come back.  I hope they do not rush him in any way as we already have too many players not playing at 100% capacity and they're f*cking healthy!!!... We're getting there with Bohemian Rhapsody.  Apparently we could be heard on GolTV... I can't wait to find out who the league will tell us we can't have without saying why.  Hope it might have been someone good. *fingers crossed*

And now, an open letter to Mr. Garber:

Dear Donnie,

Which way do you want it?  Do you want the passionate fans that you showcase and sell to other fairweather fans in a vain attempt to bring those people into something they're lacking in their spectating lives, or an environment where children can come and learn about the game with their overly sensitive families?

Better question, when was the last time you were passionate about something and you didn't start swearing about it, especially when there wasn't money involved, but something you just loved and cared about?

Even better question, are you willing to chip away at the foundation of your fan base at the expense of the middle-class nuclear family? (I know the answer to that already, and it's "yes")

As a season's ticket victim since day one, I am aware of how my image and the images of those around me are used to "sell" the game, yet our reward is a string of options to further take money out of my wallet.  I go to the game because I love soccer.  I don't love MLS, and it's a long time coming before I love TFC, but my love is footie.  You can lie to advertisers all you want, but make no mistake, supporters do not show up because they believe the "M" stands for Major, because it doesn't.  We love the game, and the TIFOs, the signs, the organic supporters groups, the singing, the blogging, and even the swearing are all a byproduct of that love.

As long as you remember all of that, I ask again, so which way do you want it?

Until the NASL can provide me a model and a club to back, you've got me.

And keep up the mystery over the non-signed player thing.  I'd hate to have the face of the league conveniently not know anything when asked by anyone, supporters or media, about it.  Shows anything but integrity.

Your customers for now,

The Yorkies


Team Ratings : Kocic 6.5, Henry 6 [Hall N/A], Eckersley 7, Emory 6 [Maund N/A], Morgan 6, Lambe 6.5, Dunfield 6, Frings 7, Silva 6, Amarikwa 6.5 [Weideman 6], Johnson 6

@ignirtoq is usually more chipper than this.  He follows sports business and usually doesn't go off the handle when he sees inequalities and bullshit.  Also, he's more open to adding new songs to the repetoire of the south stands, and secretly hopes that Slade's "Run Run Away" becomes a terrace classic one day.

THE MATCHUP: Faster, higher, wronger

Disclaimer: Graphics and information for today's match preview have been provided by the detail-oriented London Olympic Committee's (LOGOC) production team...

Please welcome our Texan opponents!

TORONTO VS. HOUSTON
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4:30 PM ET
TV: GOL TV ----RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Much has changed since these two clubs last met. The Houston fixture was overshadowed by the fiasco at Club Escobar which saw "The TFC Three" (Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva and Nick Soolsma) arrested for public intoxication. It was also in the early days of "The MarinEra" as new manager Paul Mariner attempted to pull TFC up by its bootstraps. Since that time, two of the "TFC Three" have been dispatched and Mariner has indeed made improvements on his predecessor Aron Winter - the two of them now managing an equal number of games in 2012.
　
The return fixture sees a resurgent TFC but one still full of questions. The acquisition of new DP Eric Hassli has mostly been greeted with curious silence and his inclusion on Saturday is (at this moment) a major mystery. There have been concerns over Hassli's headspace since his deal from a town he had grown to love (for some reason) took place and if he doesn't play, attacking duties may fall to newcomers Andrew Wiedeman or Quincy "F*ck Yeah" Amarikwa. Defensively, TFC still apparently awaits a new signing or two but for now, the winning ways may have to be overseen by
the same starting eleven.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Happy Hour II: Escobar's Revenge"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: (Possibly) Eric Hassli, Ryan Johnson, Luis Silva
HOUSTON: Oscar Boniek Garcia, Brad Davis, Andre Hainault

The badge of Dynamo Houston (source: LOGOC)



THE ODDS:
- Ryan Johnson running like a Jamaican Olympic sprinter: 2-1
- Quincy Amarikwa running like an American Olympic sprinter: 3-1
- Eric Hassli tackling like a French Olympic wrestler: 5-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
(Brought to you by The LOGOC information department)
Houston, on the banks of the mighty Mississippi is home to baseball club Chivas USA who play out of the Orange Bowl Arena. Renowned for its coal mining industry and cool climate, this area of the Loan Star State also boasts famous historical sites such as The Alamo and the Chichen Itza. In recent years, Houston has entered the space race and successfully launched the satellite Sputnik from the George W. Bush Space and Pistol Center.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC PLAYERS WALK OFF PITCH AFTER LIVERPOOL LOGO FIASCO"

LOGOC has provided us with this entertaining video of the Houston area's most popular TV drama based on its interplanetary oil drilling industry...

AFTER 90: A bit of a brawl

Aceval, Soolsma and Silva head back to Toronto

 

THE BUZZ:
Can TFC put their crime spree behind them?
Will the distractions be the latest excuse for the club's form?
Did Mariner want a Plymouth Argyle but got a Plymouth Sundance?
Will the three DP's finally carry the club?
Are "The Escobar Three" on the verge of release?
Is Joao Plata heading back to Ecuador?
Does Houston's new stadium look fat in orange?
　
FIRST HALF:
13' - GOAL: Toronto - Jeremy Hall
HOUSTON 0 - TORONTO 1
20' - GOAL: Houston - Bobby Boswell
HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 1
22' - GOAL: Toronto - Danny Koevermans
HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 2
45'+ - GOAL: Toronto - Danny Koevermans
HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 3
　
FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Three of them for once
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Very briefly pining for Andy Iro
　
HALFTIME: HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 3
　
SECOND HALF:
47' - YELLOW CARD: Torsten Frings
73' - GOAL: Houston - Will Bruin
HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 3
81' - SUB: Reggie Lambe on for Julian de Guzman
83' - YELLOW CARD: Ashtone Morgan
90' - GOAL: Houston - Will Bruin
HOUSTON 3 - TORONTO 3
90' + - SUB: Dicoy Williams on for Danny Koevermans
　
SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Battling like it was Club Escobar
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: The 90th minute dagger by a guy we could have drafted but got Nathan Sturgis instead
　
FULL TIME: HOUSTON 3 - TORONTO 3
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 6.5 / Jeremy Hall 6 / Richard Eckersley 6 / Doneil Henry 5 / Ashtone Morgan 5 / Eric Avila 6 / Julian de Guzman 6.5 (Reggie Lambe N/A ) / Torsten Frings 5 / Terry Dunfield 6.5 / Ryan Johnson 5.5 / Danny Koevermans 7 (Dicoy Williams N/A)
　
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Danny Koevermans
　
THE MOOD:
It sounds like a hackneyed wisecrack after the week that was but the silver lining on tonight's somewhat disappointing match was fight. Most supporters had foreseen a major letdown after the embarrassing week the club suffered but TFC pushed hard, especially in the first half, and were rewarded with what seemed like a commanding lead. Even as that lead slowly dissipated, we can't fault the effort in attempting to preserve a win - it was simply the talent chasm that caught up to them.
　
It's not all "good job boys" tonight though as the loss of a two-goal lead is rather damning. Paul Mariner, whose tactics were being lauded by many, may have erred in the substitution of Julian "B" Guzman who has been a bit of a midfield general of late. After his departure the team lost shape and form and Houston's goals followed. Of course the biggest problem is STILL the same problem since 2007. A porous defence missing a commanding centreback and another striker. How it takes six years to solve that is preposterous. In the end, many Reds' supporters will take temporary solace in their team that brawled to the end... for the right reasons.

THE MATCHUP: Arrested development

"Dr. Tobias Funke... I'm Nick Soolsma's analrapist..."

HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
　
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM - WEDNESDAY 9PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
How much worse can it get? If the 1-10 record, manager merry-go-round and fourth five-year-plan wasn't enough for you - now TFC has a gang of vicious criminals in their midst. As most of you know by now, the criminal gang known as "The Escobar Three" (Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva and Nick Soolsma) are on the loose! Well... loose within the club thanks to Moneybags de Guzman bailing them out. What happens next to these evildoers is yet to be determined but will no doubt be accompanied by yet another "riveting" official statement from the club to put fans' minds at ease.
　
Now honestly, in the grand scheme of things, three drunken Reds is only the icing on football's crappiest cake. While the story has terrible optics, those would be lessened if TFC wasn't a giant mess in every other facet. How will the club respond on the pitch in Houston? Who knows? A united squad would overcome this and band together - but, TFC may well use it as yet another new excuse to pardon their play. Paul Mariner - welcome to your new Plymouth.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Shawshank Redemption"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
HOUSTON: Brad Davis, Oscar Boniek Garcia, Macoumba Kandji
TORONTO: Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva, Nick Soolsma
　
THE ODDS:
- Dynamo co-owner Oscar De La Hoya challenging Aceval, Silva and Soolsma to a halftime brawl: 10-1
- Toronto FC desperately trying to sign the Houston cop that outran Luis Silva: 20-1
- "The Escobar Three" released by the club due to behaviour - Frings and Koevermans immediately rob a Texas bank just to get out of their TFC contracts: 30-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
After TFC/MLSE's less than confident "official statement" over yesterday's crime wave, they will apparently try to soothe TFC supporters' anger with another inspired release later today with wording as such:

"We are aware of the fact that we have utterly destroyed what could have become one of the league's best clubs. We are presently constructing a new five-year-plan as we continue to investigate and obliterate all remaining interest in Toronto FC. As such, the team will not provide further comment until Tom Anselmi's next press conference regarding new manager Jim Brennan.

P.S: "Support the Troops!"
P.S.S. "OMG its Liverpool!!!"
P.S.S.S. Season tickets are going up by 15%

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "ARRESTED TFC PLAYERS RELEASED - TFC SUPPORTERS STUCK WITH LIFE SENTENCE"

And... major bonus points to anyone at BMO Field who sings part of this song on Saturday...

Earl Cochrane's GM legacy complete as Sturgis heads to Houston

Currently considering trading TFC Academy for magic beans



For a brief period a little over a year ago, Earl Cochrane was in charge of Toronto FC lock, stock and Barrett. While Jurgen Klinsmann was busy searching the planet for the management team that would eventually be headed by Aron Winter, Cochrane had the keys to the player cabinet and even seemed to be in the running to grab the permanent GM job. Then of course he made his blockbuster deal.
　
After being left exposed for the Expansion Draft, MLS depth midfielder-defender Nathan Sturgis was selected by Vancouver in the Third Round of said draft. At some point over the following 24 hours, Earl Cochrane thought to himself that a player who at best would be considered depth at most MLS clubs, and had been left exposed in the Expansion Draft, suddenly became worthy of Toronto FC's 2011 SuperDraft First Round pick. Whitecaps, likely after their fit of giggles ended, jumped at the deal and Sturgis became a Red.
　
From the get-go, Sturgis seemed about as happy in interviews to be in Toronto as fans were to see the club's top pick go cross-country for him. While Caps' pick Michael Nanchoff has yet to bloom, if TFC would have held their pick they could currently own the likes of Fire defender Jalil Anibaba, MLS Rookie of the Year C.J. Sapong or promising Houston striker Will Bruin. Instead, The Reds got one year out of Sturgis who never came close to fitting into Winter's system and his 14 appearances went from mediocre to downright apathetic.
　
Tonight, Cochrane's grand experiment playing GM went full circle as Sturgis was traded to Houston Dynamo for those useless nuggets known as MLS Conditional Draft Picks - likely what he was worth one year ago. Why Cochrane was even allowed to be making deals in the midst of "an exhaustive GM search" we will never know but perhaps the deal will forever symbolize the "blind leading the blind" management style of TFC circa 2007-2010. At least we hope.
　
Oh... did we mention that Earl Cochrane is currently the "interim" Academy Director? Just sayin'.