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Saturday, July 19, 2014

AFTER 90: Playing brawl

The blurst of times...

HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM

2014 is a season of new beginnings for TFC and we felt it was time to put a sad page in Reds' history to bed. With that in mind, we invited "The Escobar 3"... Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva and Nick Soolsma - TFC's notorious Houston nightclub scuffle arrestees - back to watch this match with us at a Texan bar to prove that those negative times are all in the past and they are on the straight and narrow. Luis Silva still has a job in this league so he couldn't be here. But the other two are hardly out curing cancer... so on to the match!

FIRST HALF:
1' - TFC are looking to make it two in a row in seven days against Dynamo tonight. Miguel Aceval is looking to make it two shots of J├Ągermeister in a row in seven seconds tonight... and yes.
5' - Reds looking sharp to start. Nick Soolsma keeps disappearing to the men's room.
11' - GOAL: HOUSTON - Bradley Orr with a sweet touch and soft pass to set up... Houston's Will Bruin. Brainfartage of the highest degree. Miguel Aceval still thinks Bradley Orr "is the shit, dude" because he can handle himself at a bar.
HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 0
15' - Soolsma's back at the table. Asks us if "we wanna party?", Aceval says "does the pope shit in the woods?" and Soolsma reaches into his Euro-style man bag... and brings out his pet kitty-cat "Suarez". Aceval yells "Pusss-ayyy!"
17' - Joe Bendik doing the Super Pickle routine as he stops Brad Davis point blank.
18' - GOAL: TORONTO - On the impending counter attack, Gilberto ends up on the receiving end of the direct passing, slices through Dynamo's defence and slots past Tally Hall.
HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 1
27' - GOAL: HOUSTON - Giles Barnes takes a look at TFC's makeshift defence, has a giggle, and takes a big blast which flies past Joe Bendik.
HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 1
29' - PENALTY: This one is coo coo for cocoa puffs as Luke Moore is hauled down in the box. Michael Bradley confidently steps up to take it... and hits the post. Nick Soolsma just fell off his barstool. He wasn't watching the game or anything though.
35' - Uh oh. Trouble brewing here as Nick Soolsma changed the jukebox from country and western to Aqua's "Barbie Girl". Lots of angry looks. Aceval's shirt is suddenly half unbuttoned.
40' - Dynamo happy to take their chances with a series of dangerous long-distance shots at Bendik.
44' - Miguel Aceval just told the room he "has to go let a Chilean miner escape" before going to the bathroom.
45'+ - GOAL: TORONTO - Luke Moore with a lovely run into Houston's box and a sharp pass across goal that bounces off a shocked Dominic Oduro who may have been thinking about pizza.
HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

HALFTIME: HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

SECOND HALF:
46' - You have no idea how much these two can consume in 15 minutes. Frightening. Soolsma is having an argument about the pros and cons of declawing with a pinball machine.
50' - Luke Moore having his best match in a TFC kit.
55' - Suarez Soolsma just killed the buzz by talking about Feline AIDS
64' - SUB: Gilberto OFF / Jermain Defoe ON
64' - Aceval does a shot for the substitution. We weren't playing any game like that.
67' - Dynamo throwing the kitchen sink at TFC.
68' - Line cook came out to complain that Nick Soolsma is throwing up in the kitchen sink.
70' - SUB: Jonathan Osorio OFF / Dan Lovitz ON
70' - Aceval just bought everyone in the bar a shot. Now he just asked the cat if he has any money. Shit.
72' - Neither side look content to hold out for a draw tonight.
73' - Nick Soolsma is trying desperately to call Luis Silva on a pay phone. Sadly he's talking into a napkin holder.
75' - SUB: Luke Moore OFF / Dwayne De Rosario ON
76' - Bendik with another massive save. If his distribution was as consistent as his shot blocking he'd be considered one of the league's best.
80' - Aww crap - someone has called the cops! NO MIGUEL DON'T TRY TO RUN!
83' - Defoe and Warren Creavalle go a bit handbags but cooler heads prevail.
88' - All kicking off now as Defoe and David Horst roll about and scrap. Defoe's yellow meaning he misses next match but can play 90 minutes against Spurs.. Conspiracy line to the left please.
89' - All kicking off here at the bar as Suarez Soolsma just hissed at the cops! Why is Nicky riding Aceval's shoulders!!! No!!!
90'+ - Well that was all a bit nutso of an ending. And no, I mean the wackiness at the stadium. A scrappy, shooting gallery with a bit of everything. TFC could have won as equally as they could have lost so another point in a very tough environment is ok in the grand scheme of things. Meanwhile back at the bar...
90'++ - "SOMEBODY CALL JULIAN B. GUZMAN!!!"
 
FULL TIME: HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 7.5 / Nick Hagglund 6.5 / Bradley Orr 5.5 / Doneil Henry 6 / Justin Morrow 6 / Dominic Oduro 6.5 / Michael Bradley 6.5 / Collen Warner 6 / Jonathan Osorio 6 (Dan Lovitz 5.5) / Luke Moore 7.5 (Dwayne De Rosario 5.5) / Gilberto 7 (Jermain Defoe 6)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Joe Bendik


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