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Thursday, July 17, 2014

THE MATCHUP: Orange is the New Onyx: Season 2


HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM - SATURDAY 9PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Copa Del Escobar"

FACTS* & STATS**
HOUSTON DYNAMO
- In the previous fixture against Toronto, Houston forward Brad Davis had 98% possession of the ball in the first 20 minutes.
- Giles Barnes and Tally Hall lead MLS in "Sounding Like Wealthy Country Gentlemen"
- 38% of all league defenders claim to suffer from "Temporary Orange Blindness" after a Dynamo counter-attack.
- Contrary to internet rumours, Will Bruin is not in fact half-bear cub. Wild.
- 98: Percentage of arguments won by Dynamo co-owner Oscar De La Hoya at MLS Board meetings after he cracks his knuckles dramatically.
- BBQ Sauce-related injuries have dropped by 7% at BBVA Compass Stadium since 2013.
- In the off-season, Dynamo forward Omar Cummings hosts a weekly cable-access current events show in his native Jamaica called "Cummings & Goings"

TORONTO FC
- TFC's "onyx" alternate kit could reach 63 Degrees Celsius in the Texas sun.
- Ex-TFC defender Miguel Aceval is listed as "Day-To-Day" in regards to appearing at Houston nightspot Club Escobar.
- 180: The SPF level in the suntan lotion TFC medical staff apply liberally to team albino Kyle Bekker.
- 10% of all Houston-area jail bonds are posted by a "Julian B. Guzman"
- 23: Former kit number of ex-TFC winger Alvaro Rey and also the same amount of minutes he spent in Columbus, Ohio before begging Crew to release him.
- 9: Average number of times Andrew Wiedeman dramatically takes of his designer sunglasses in the press box over 90 minutes.
- 88: Level of Candy Crush that Steven Caldwell is stuck on. Sweet.

 
*Maybe
**Possibly

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