AFTER 90: Playing brawl

The blurst of times...

HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM

2014 is a season of new beginnings for TFC and we felt it was time to put a sad page in Reds' history to bed. With that in mind, we invited "The Escobar 3"... Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva and Nick Soolsma - TFC's notorious Houston nightclub scuffle arrestees - back to watch this match with us at a Texan bar to prove that those negative times are all in the past and they are on the straight and narrow. Luis Silva still has a job in this league so he couldn't be here. But the other two are hardly out curing cancer... so on to the match!

FIRST HALF:
1' - TFC are looking to make it two in a row in seven days against Dynamo tonight. Miguel Aceval is looking to make it two shots of Jägermeister in a row in seven seconds tonight... and yes.
5' - Reds looking sharp to start. Nick Soolsma keeps disappearing to the men's room.
11' - GOAL: HOUSTON - Bradley Orr with a sweet touch and soft pass to set up... Houston's Will Bruin. Brainfartage of the highest degree. Miguel Aceval still thinks Bradley Orr "is the shit, dude" because he can handle himself at a bar.
HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 0
15' - Soolsma's back at the table. Asks us if "we wanna party?", Aceval says "does the pope shit in the woods?" and Soolsma reaches into his Euro-style man bag... and brings out his pet kitty-cat "Suarez". Aceval yells "Pusss-ayyy!"
17' - Joe Bendik doing the Super Pickle routine as he stops Brad Davis point blank.
18' - GOAL: TORONTO - On the impending counter attack, Gilberto ends up on the receiving end of the direct passing, slices through Dynamo's defence and slots past Tally Hall.
HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 1
27' - GOAL: HOUSTON - Giles Barnes takes a look at TFC's makeshift defence, has a giggle, and takes a big blast which flies past Joe Bendik.
HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 1
29' - PENALTY: This one is coo coo for cocoa puffs as Luke Moore is hauled down in the box. Michael Bradley confidently steps up to take it... and hits the post. Nick Soolsma just fell off his barstool. He wasn't watching the game or anything though.
35' - Uh oh. Trouble brewing here as Nick Soolsma changed the jukebox from country and western to Aqua's "Barbie Girl". Lots of angry looks. Aceval's shirt is suddenly half unbuttoned.
40' - Dynamo happy to take their chances with a series of dangerous long-distance shots at Bendik.
44' - Miguel Aceval just told the room he "has to go let a Chilean miner escape" before going to the bathroom.
45'+ - GOAL: TORONTO - Luke Moore with a lovely run into Houston's box and a sharp pass across goal that bounces off a shocked Dominic Oduro who may have been thinking about pizza.
HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

HALFTIME: HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

SECOND HALF:
46' - You have no idea how much these two can consume in 15 minutes. Frightening. Soolsma is having an argument about the pros and cons of declawing with a pinball machine.
50' - Luke Moore having his best match in a TFC kit.
55' - Suarez Soolsma just killed the buzz by talking about Feline AIDS
64' - SUB: Gilberto OFF / Jermain Defoe ON
64' - Aceval does a shot for the substitution. We weren't playing any game like that.
67' - Dynamo throwing the kitchen sink at TFC.
68' - Line cook came out to complain that Nick Soolsma is throwing up in the kitchen sink.
70' - SUB: Jonathan Osorio OFF / Dan Lovitz ON
70' - Aceval just bought everyone in the bar a shot. Now he just asked the cat if he has any money. Shit.
72' - Neither side look content to hold out for a draw tonight.
73' - Nick Soolsma is trying desperately to call Luis Silva on a pay phone. Sadly he's talking into a napkin holder.
75' - SUB: Luke Moore OFF / Dwayne De Rosario ON
76' - Bendik with another massive save. If his distribution was as consistent as his shot blocking he'd be considered one of the league's best.
80' - Aww crap - someone has called the cops! NO MIGUEL DON'T TRY TO RUN!
83' - Defoe and Warren Creavalle go a bit handbags but cooler heads prevail.
88' - All kicking off now as Defoe and David Horst roll about and scrap. Defoe's yellow meaning he misses next match but can play 90 minutes against Spurs.. Conspiracy line to the left please.
89' - All kicking off here at the bar as Suarez Soolsma just hissed at the cops! Why is Nicky riding Aceval's shoulders!!! No!!!
90'+ - Well that was all a bit nutso of an ending. And no, I mean the wackiness at the stadium. A scrappy, shooting gallery with a bit of everything. TFC could have won as equally as they could have lost so another point in a very tough environment is ok in the grand scheme of things. Meanwhile back at the bar...
90'++ - "SOMEBODY CALL JULIAN B. GUZMAN!!!"
　

FULL TIME: HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 7.5 / Nick Hagglund 6.5 / Bradley Orr 5.5 / Doneil Henry 6 / Justin Morrow 6 / Dominic Oduro 6.5 / Michael Bradley 6.5 / Collen Warner 6 / Jonathan Osorio 6 (Dan Lovitz 5.5) / Luke Moore 7.5 (Dwayne De Rosario 5.5) / Gilberto 7 (Jermain Defoe 6)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Joe Bendik



THE STARTING 11: TFC criminal investigations

TFC "Club Escobar" 3rd kits - get 'em while they're hot!



There was a fair share of hand-wringing in TFC land when the name Bradley Orr was linked with a move to the club. After all, Orr did serve actual jail time in 2006 for an "incident" outside of a Bristol nightclub. Possibly the Club Escobar of West England. But before us Eff Cee'ers get all high and mighty about a man's past mistakes, let's not forget that other Reds have had brushes with the legal system as well. While all but one of these escaped conviction, TFC is no stranger to the 5-0... (cops and scorelines)

11. Sexual harassment claim made by two seagulls against Bitchy the Hawk

10. Mista's three-and-a-half month long robbery

9. Raivis Hscanovics' attempt to illegally smuggle vowels out of Canada and on to the Latvian black market

8. Jacob Peterson's hate crime charges against TFC for exposing him to the Canadian National Anthem on a regular basis

7. Accusations against Justin Braun for impersonating a professional striker

6. Jim Brennan's haircuts (fashion crimes)

5. The Carlos Ruiz missing person report

4. Preki's 2nd-Degree scowling charge

3. Chad Barrett: Multiple shots fired into crowd

2. The time Ali Gerba murdered Nick Garcia's birthday cake

1. Mo Johnston: Assaulting a football club resulting in grievous harm

The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar: Day 13

 

"THE THREE UNWISE MEN"

　

Old, Dutchnonsense and er... Silva. Yes "The Escobar 3" brought TFC PR to an all-time laughable low as Miguel Aceval, Nick Soolsma and Luis Silva were arrested after a punch-up and failed police escape outside of a Houston nightclub. Their TFC careers are now all long history but their freedom was at least spared by generous mystery benefactor, one "Julian B. Guzman".

　

Check back tomorrow and open another Sadvent window!



THE MATCHUP: Not in Da Club



HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
　
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: TSN2
　
THE KICKABOUT:
In a year of terrible headlines for Toronto FC, none may match those that followed the club's last visit to Houston for sheer farce. The arrest of three Reds - Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva and Nick Soolsma - may have been much ado about little but it sort of encapsulated the embarrassment of all things TFC. Stumbling, bumbling and only being famous for doing everything wrong.
　
On the field, the story has been equally lamentable. It was this very same Dynamo team who started TFC's current MLS winless streak (5 matches and counting) by defeating The Reds 2-0 at BMO Field and will push Toronto hard towards another road loss. Despite new faces and a new regime, TFC has returned to familiar territory and a loss to Houston coupled with a potential banana skin against Santos Laguna in CCL will have fans lighting torches. With season ticket renewal time around the corner, MLSE must wish its worst problem was at Club Escobar.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Escobar II: Luigi's Revenge"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
HOUSTON: Brad Davis, Oscar Boniek Garcia, Cam Weaver
TORONTO: Richard Eckersley, Darren O'Dea, Luis Silva
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC setting player curfew for 1PM: 2-1
- Miguel Aceval found wandering shoeless at stadium: 3-1
- Nick Soolsma's case accusing the Houston Police Department of "Feline Profiling" leading to a cash settlement: 500-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
"Where are they now?" 'The TFC Three':
The case of Toronto FC's three most hardened criminals - well apart from Martin Saric (shoplifting), Maxim Usanov (horse punching) and Collin Samuel (death by chocolate) - has been well documented but what has happened to the three since that night at Club Escobar?

LUIS SILVA: The only job-survivor of the three continues to ply his trade in Toronto while wondering what bad karma led to TFC drafting him. He has scored a few goals against all odds while never giving up his dream of impersonating a young Freddie Mercury on Broadway.
NICK SOOLSMA: The ever-youthful Dutchman has gone back the The Netherlands with his cat tail between his legs. Met at Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam by his trusted cat "Suarez" (who sprayed him in disgust), Soolsma has taken an oath of sobriety and has opened a cattery outside of The Hague for alcoholic kitties. He continues his work as the poster boy for "Dutch Boy Paints".
MIGUEL ACEVAL: While waiting for his eyes to go straight for the first time since his mugshot, the burley South American has returned home to straighten out his life and "work on his music". His famous left-foot has come in handy for kicking empty bottles down the lonely streets of Santiago. Wants to pursue a career in Chilean mining.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC ON THE WRONG SIDE OF PLAYOFF VELVET ROPE"
　
And... Since it's Friday and we all love to watch dangerous behaviour, here's some footage outside of Nick Soolsma's motel room the last time TFC were in Houston. Pretty sure that's Ty Harden in the yellow. MAJOR LAMBZER!

THE MATCHUP: Faster, higher, wronger

Disclaimer: Graphics and information for today's match preview have been provided by the detail-oriented London Olympic Committee's (LOGOC) production team...

Please welcome our Texan opponents!

TORONTO VS. HOUSTON
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4:30 PM ET
TV: GOL TV ----RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Much has changed since these two clubs last met. The Houston fixture was overshadowed by the fiasco at Club Escobar which saw "The TFC Three" (Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva and Nick Soolsma) arrested for public intoxication. It was also in the early days of "The MarinEra" as new manager Paul Mariner attempted to pull TFC up by its bootstraps. Since that time, two of the "TFC Three" have been dispatched and Mariner has indeed made improvements on his predecessor Aron Winter - the two of them now managing an equal number of games in 2012.
　
The return fixture sees a resurgent TFC but one still full of questions. The acquisition of new DP Eric Hassli has mostly been greeted with curious silence and his inclusion on Saturday is (at this moment) a major mystery. There have been concerns over Hassli's headspace since his deal from a town he had grown to love (for some reason) took place and if he doesn't play, attacking duties may fall to newcomers Andrew Wiedeman or Quincy "F*ck Yeah" Amarikwa. Defensively, TFC still apparently awaits a new signing or two but for now, the winning ways may have to be overseen by
the same starting eleven.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Happy Hour II: Escobar's Revenge"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: (Possibly) Eric Hassli, Ryan Johnson, Luis Silva
HOUSTON: Oscar Boniek Garcia, Brad Davis, Andre Hainault

The badge of Dynamo Houston (source: LOGOC)



THE ODDS:
- Ryan Johnson running like a Jamaican Olympic sprinter: 2-1
- Quincy Amarikwa running like an American Olympic sprinter: 3-1
- Eric Hassli tackling like a French Olympic wrestler: 5-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
(Brought to you by The LOGOC information department)
Houston, on the banks of the mighty Mississippi is home to baseball club Chivas USA who play out of the Orange Bowl Arena. Renowned for its coal mining industry and cool climate, this area of the Loan Star State also boasts famous historical sites such as The Alamo and the Chichen Itza. In recent years, Houston has entered the space race and successfully launched the satellite Sputnik from the George W. Bush Space and Pistol Center.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC PLAYERS WALK OFF PITCH AFTER LIVERPOOL LOGO FIASCO"

LOGOC has provided us with this entertaining video of the Houston area's most popular TV drama based on its interplanetary oil drilling industry...

"He came, he drank, he left" - Miguel Aceval's Wall of Honour induction delayed

"Where's the party at?"



The only question is "how did it take so long?" Reports emerged this afternoon that Toronto FC and portly Chilean "defender"/ tequila aficionado Miguel Aceval have "mutually parted" ways. Brought in to TFC during the off-season alongside equally successful Ecuadorian Geovanny Caicedo, Aceval was touted to be one half of a South American centreback pairing that would solve The Reds' six-year defensive crisis. Not so much.
　
With less than a dozen appearances in TFC rouge, most of them looking slow, flat-footed and out of shape, Aceval leaves as yet another failed defensive experiment and takes his equally portly salary with him. Of course, Aceval will always own a bit of club infamy as he was one of the "TFC Three" players arrested in Houston earlier this year on public intoxication charges. With the earlier departure of Nick Soolsma, only Luis Silva survived the cull of TFC's "criminal element".
　
It will now be up to MLS nuclear scientists/ mathematicians to figure out how much of Aceval's salary will return to TFC's coffers and up to Mariner & Co. to replace a guy who wasn't even part of the team anyways. To the local Chilean who ran out and bought an Aceval TFC jersey in March... lo sentimos.
　
Further rumours are floating in the BMO ether today that the club are ready to sign Bermudian goalkeeper Freddy Hall. The 27-year old who flirted with Northampton Town would add cover to Milos & The Gang and possibly allow for the shopping of Stefan Frei once he regains health. If Hall sends mad Tweets like his countryman Reggie Lambe - we're all in.
　
Official word* will be linked below...
(* As this is TFC - official word should emerge in mid-November)

Those devils proved us wrong. TFC's official Migual Aceval statement (here)