The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar: Day 13

 

"THE THREE UNWISE MEN"

　

Old, Dutchnonsense and er... Silva. Yes "The Escobar 3" brought TFC PR to an all-time laughable low as Miguel Aceval, Nick Soolsma and Luis Silva were arrested after a punch-up and failed police escape outside of a Houston nightclub. Their TFC careers are now all long history but their freedom was at least spared by generous mystery benefactor, one "Julian B. Guzman".

　

Check back tomorrow and open another Sadvent window!



"I can haz Santoz?"

"Revenge!"

Dear teh Toronto FC's,

　
Do you want to know why you really lost to teh Santos Lagunaz?
　
Me. Ow.
　
That is right spaniel-lovers, that handsome devil who ran across the pitch last night was I - Suarez Soolsma! I have single-pawedly ruined any chance you have of progressing in teh Championz League and finally... (Please wait... must lick my nether regions...)
　
...Finally get revenge on you for disrespecting my human life-partner Little Nicky Soolsma.
　
We used to be friendz teh Toronto FC's. I even let Terry Dunfield scratch my belly. (Soft hands... a bit sweaty). But now... I would not uze BMO Field as a litter tray! Well, not intentionally.
　
Little Nicky is doing better now - not that you asked. I'd say purrrr-fect even.
　
GRP! GRP! GRP! GRP! BLEEECCCHH! Pardon me... hairball.
　
Meanwhile you are left with your bunch of dog-happy felinists. Enjoyz.
　
You have officially been Suarezed teh Toronto FC's.
　
Meow.
Suarez Soolsma
　
Kralingen-Crooswijk (Cat Flap)
Nederlandz

Toronto FC wages "War on Puns"

Goodnight, sweet prince.



Let's cut the crap Toronto FC. We know what you're up to and yes, we're taking it personally. You aren't making personnel moves based on talent, roster size, salary cap or international slots. No... you wily devils are trying to destroy the TFC blog industry one pun at a time! We already know you do everything in your power to control the message ("who went to Glasgow with the what now?") but this is our livelihoods* (*the kind of livelihood that doesn't pay you a cent) you are playing with! For shame!
　
The proof is in the butty, friends. In the last few weeks, Toronto FC has dispatched hundreds of unused "Junior CheeseBurgos" puns with the unceremonious dumping of Efrain Burgos Jr. They followed that up by "loaning" Joao Plata back to LDU Quito... you know, after pretending Ecuador was make-believe for two weeks. So many "tiny", "short" and "Los Webster" headlines... gone. Then yesterday, the final insult, the release of Nick Soolsma - a man we built an industry out of based on his genuine love for his cat "Suarez". Seriously, let's not even get into the goldmine that was Aron Winter. It's nameism we tell you!
　
Think we are just being paranoid? Explain to us how these finely crafted pun-machines were let go without a whimper yet Miguel "Ace is all we've got" Aceval and Ty "Try Harder" Harden are still here?! Those are such lame headline makers! You may laugh as our ratings tumble at the hands of TFC but don't come crying to us when Reggie Lambe and Dicoy Williams are released next week! Maybe an act of good faith, like signing Italian trialist Alberto "The Gelato" Giuliatto could prove us wrong - but we're sure The Reds are up to no good! You can bet Yourassowsky!

TFC solidify place as league's most embarrassing club

"Free The Escobar Three!" Or not. Whatever.



"Things can only get better right?" This was a common refrain a couple of weeks ago after the Aron Winter dismissal. It was the genuine belief of many Toronto FC supporters that the on-field disgrace that is TFC must surely be due for an upswing. Well, whether Paul Mariner can change the results are yet to be seen but in the meantime, a trio of your FC'ers did their best to embarrass anyone attached with the club even further.
　
Following a bar brawl at Houston's "Club Escobar" (seriously, the hint is in the name!), three Reds - Nick Soolsma, Miguel Aceval and Luis Silva were arrested for "public intoxication" and jailed. During the arrest one of the players even tried to run away - which obviously wasn't Aceval. There has been no official word yet from the club or the league about the legal and/or contract status of the players but being as this was in Texas, the crime is punishable by the electric chair.

　

In all seriousness, this is a black eye that this club does not need. The ridiculous ownership has created a laughing stock club which definitely didn't need any help from their own players becoming a public disgrace. In all judicial fairness - it is too early to judge the players... legally speaking. But, in the realm of public opinion and relations - the damage has been done. Once again at the end of the day it is poor TFC supporters who must once again hear the chuckles of derision from every other club in the league. If Danny Koevermans hasn't said this already... "the most embarrassing team in the world".

Luis Silva's mugshot... post-Texan prison look

CHANTS ON GOAL: Dutch cats, fat cats and cats on tin roofs

Suarez Soolsma in da house!

Welcome to our newest regular feature "Chants on Goal" where we bring our Yorkies' flavour to TFC terrace songs and chants. We're not trying to reinvent the BMO Field choir-wheel but giving you a few of our ridiculous favourite "hits" for you to enjoy and, if you feel the musical urge, bring them to your corner of the stadium. While there may be an absence of "ole's" allez" "Reds" "rouges" "love" and/or "f*cks", we hope they may inspire your inner BMO-balladist!
　
Enjoy Nick Soolsma and his love for his pet cat Suarez? This feline fancy-tune may scratch that itch!

SOOLSMEOW MIX (to the "Meow Mix" theme song)
He likes chicken
He likes liver
Soolsma, Soolsma,
He delivers

meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow,

(optional second verse for you go-getters!)

Cat named Suarez
He's our winger
Soolsma, Soolsma
He delivers

meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow


　

Not feeling the love from the owners? No Beer! No Gear!

ROCK THE ML$E (to the tune of "Rock the Casbah")
Anselmi don't like us...
Don't stuff his cashbox!
Don't stuff his cashbox!

(repeat until everyone gets it)


　
　
Love everything from Salford including ginger defenders and Coronation Street? Put on your Deirdre glasses for this one..

ECKERNATION STREET (to the "Coronation Street" theme)
Oooooooh, Richard Eckersley
Plays right-back ginger-ly
Signed from Burnley
Richard Eckersley...



Got a song or a chant you tthink TFC supporters need to hear? Email it to us at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or send us the idea on Twitter @theyorkies1812 and we may feature it in a future "Chants on Goal"

Letters from Camp: D-volt display against AAA Battery

Eveready. Gold. TFC were neither.

The only good news on a night that was equally rainy and miserable in Toronto as was in Charleston, was announced well before kick-off. Toronto FC chose today to officially announce what Aron Winter told everyone three weeks ago - that the club had officially signed Dutch trio Javier Martina, Elbekay Bouchiba and Nick Soolsma. While Winter crowed about how the three newcomers "will make a difference" for TFC in 2011, the night's following friendly showed little difference from the previous three.
　
Winter decided to play another fairly young and experimental line-up against Battery (who are now a USL Pro side), likely expecting little in the way of a challenge. You know, like against Orlando City last week. The match starters were: Frei, Yourassowsky, Williams, Attakora, Harden, LaBrocca, Cordon, Sturgis, Peterson, Martina, Makubuya... and things went a little like this...
　
- Pass, pass, no ball into the Charleston box
- Pass, pass, cross, no one on the end of it
- Pass, pass, pass back to Frei
- PENALTY Charleston handball in the box. Nathan Sturgis GOAL! on ensuing PK
Charleston 0 - Toronto FC 1
- Pass, pass, pass more.
- Get knocked down by "burly" USL 2 defenders
- Back pass, awful defending... GOAL! Charleston. Really?
Charleston 1 - Toronto FC 1
- Bad pass, bad pass, sloppy tackles
　
HALFTIME: CHARLESTON 1 - TORONTO FC 1
　
- Bring on some subs
- Pass, pass, cross over everyone
- Pass, pass, bogged down in midfield
- Get knocked down more by USL 2 defenders
- Pass poorly, pass back to Frei
- Rain starts
- Lose head in Toronto box... PENALTY... GOAL for Battery. Honestly.
Charleston 2 - Toronto FC 2
- Just keep passing.
- Get outplayed by a team dressed as 1995 Hull City
- Think about real match in 10 days. Pass out.
　
FULL TIME: CHARLESTON 2 - TORONTO FC 1
　
And that sports fans... is that. A lacklustre display against a team of players who wouldn't even be considered at TFC camp. While we are VERY aware that it is pre-season and these games mean nothing etc. etc. - the mixture of poor defending and a stingy strike force don't exactly warm the cockles with our National "derby" on the horizon. Yes, patience is required this year and we are happy to give it out in spades to Team #Winner. But with one friendly left, we need a little more than Javier Martina's runs to give us hope for a good start to the season.

Letters from Camp: TFC wraps up some Turkey leftovers

"Mmm, you can really taste the Soolsma!"

From our Dutch horshe's mouth came word today that Toronto FC had snapped up its first new signings of 2011. During today's media scrum, manager Aron Winter informed the press that three of the players who were on trial with the club in Turkey are now indeed fully signed-on members of the Red-Oranje Army. The newest Reds are:
　
JAVIER MARTINA: The 23-year-old Dutch forward originally from the Netherlands Antilles impressed onlookers during all three of TFC's friendly matches. Usually the talisman when The Reds moved forward against their Balkan foes, Martina will have every chance to carve himself a place in the fairly barren Toronto front-line. The very technical former Jong Ajax prospect is the type of two-way forward Winter will need in his 4-3-3.
　
ELKEBAY BOUCHIBA: The versatile Dutch journeyman can play in the central and holding midfield roles and isn't afraid to spread his game to the flanks. Once again the two-way style Dutch player comes into the mix and the 32-year-old Bouchiba will be able to offer depth in a number of positions. With stops at clubs like AZ, FC Twente and Sparta Rotterdam, the sturdy midfielder will offer a Carl Robinson-like presence off the bench. Made a good impression despite only attending the second half of camp.
　
NICK SOOLSMA: Most definitely the most surprising of the signings. Going into camp, Soolsma was the least known of the trialists only having spent short spells in the Dutch lower divisions with clubs like HFC Haarlem and VV Young Boys. Considered the dark horse going in but impressed with hard training and a very good showing against a tough Dinamo Zagreb defence. The 23-year-old seems to have a burgeoning partnership with Martina.
　
There is yet to be any formal word out of TFC about the fates of the remaining Turkey-based (not turkey baste) trialists but there may still be a chance for some return appearances when the club travels to Florida next week. The most interesting prospect remaining would be talented Ghanaian midfielder King Osei Gyan but whispers are percolating that his asking price may be a bit steep for The Reds. With a new Americas-based group of trialists expected next week, the club isn't likely to pull the trigger on an expensive contract just yet.
　
One last potential player acquisition today sees TFC in a weighted MLS player lottery for the rights to USA U-20 defensive prospect Korey "Darth" Veeder. The young American has spent time with the US program's U-17 residency program as well as spending time with the USL's Crystal Palace Baltimore. TFC have a 45.52% chance of landing Veeder's rights. If The Reds feel the power of the force we will update below.
　
UPDATE: Columbus Crew beat the odds and won the rights to “Darth” Vedder. He has indeed fallen to the dark side.

Letters From Camp: "Trial, trial again" - International trialists join Reds in Turkey

Javier Martina - Pride of Netherlands Antilles

Team Winter's goal of releasing more reliable information in four days than Mo Johnston did in four years continued today with the promised list of the remaining participating trialists. After the introduction of the three Canadians (Eddy Sidra, Gianluca Zavarise and David Monsalve) yesterday, TFC's "Camp GobbleGobble" in Turkey welcomed the following potential Reds into the happy family. Well, except for Uncle Dwayne... he's a bit miserable. Anyhoo, here's the latest contestants in TurkeyTime...
　
· JAVIER MARTINA: 23-year-old forward from the Netherlands Antilles. That's an island chain, not the Star Wars pilot. Joined the Jong AFC Ajax (Ajax's youth team) from the amazingly named FC Omniworld who are possibly a club from a Dutch theme park. Spent 3 season with Jong Ajax with mixed results culminating in a brief loan to HFC Haarlem before they went bankrupt... not his fault hopefully. Was highly rated for a period which did see him make two minor appearances for the main Ajax team. Big chances on a TFC club with few forward options.
· KING GYAN OSEI: Or possibly King Osei Gyan... or Gyan Osei King... depends where you read it! Either way, the Accra, Ghana born holding midfielder who attended high school in California was once such a prospect that Fulham snatched him up straight out of a Ghanaian academy. While never making it onto the Fulham First Team, the tough midfielder proved to be a useful member during a three-season loan spell at Belgian Pro League club Germinal Beerschot. And hey, who here doesn't want a Beerschot?!
· BAS ENT: Frequent visitors to The Yorkies and other TFC sources will have seen Bas Ent's name for a while now. The technical Dutch winger trained with Toronto last summer including getting some minutes in the friendly vs. Bolton Wanderers. Ent spent his young career toiling through the Dutch Eerste Divisie and lower with clubs such as FC Volendam and VV Katwijk before finding himself at the Dutch-phile Ohio-based club Dayton Dutch Lions in the USL PDL. Dayton isn't far from Columbus and Ent just wants to get away. Isn't it our duty to help an Ohio refugee? Please be generous.
· SANTIAGO GONZALEZ ARECO: While not yet a renowned name in International football circles this lithe 18-year-old Uruguayan striker has made a few waves in his home country. The 5 foot 8 hitman showed enough promise to play for Uruguay's highly regarded U-17 team and he also earned a spot on their U-17 World Cup squad in 2009. Hasn't managed to break free of his last club's (River Plate Montevideo) B-team where despite having an eye for goal has succumbed to criticisms of his fragile physical nature in the box.
· NICK SOOLSMA: The least known of the three Dutch treats in this group, the 23-year-old Soolsma has yet to cement a place up front with a club of any substance. Spent time with Holland's VV Young Boys and HFC Haarlem (the Dutch kind of Harlem, not the cool Hip Hop one). No word if Soolsma had anything to do with Haarlem's bankruptcy either. Despite flirtations with the Dutch U-20 and U-17 set-ups, definitely the dark horse of this group.

Pride of The Rebellion - Wedge Antilles