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Saturday, June 22, 2013

AFTER 90: Runs with orange

"Clap if you love Dynamo!"


KICK OFF - A hot night awaits TFC in "The Town that Astroturf Built". Dressed for success - if that success is a 1986 Netherlands/Creamsicle mash-up - are the always tough Dynamo. Sadly not awaiting them - Dynamo, the fat stalker from "The Running Man" game show so cruelly taken in the prime of his life. "Who loves you, and who do you love?" Yeah, this report's gonna be all over the joint.
2' - The hunt for goals is on... "Tally Hall!"
7' - Both teams feeling each other out early on. Not that way. Perv.
7' - Anybody know what's going on at Club Escobar later?
13' - Luis Silva cuts a short pass into the box. The nearest Red was in Dallas.
16' - Doneil Henry salmon-leaps onto a corner but too much crown not enough forehead - easily saved. Tally Ho!
23' - Steven Caldwell knees a goal-bound loose ball into touch. Very close.
26' - Will Bruin is inches from putting Dynamo ahead with his head. Very closer.
30' - Ryan Richter the definite goat so far. A bit like Professor Subzero in "The Running Man". You may have heard of the film. It was based on a true story.
34' - Luis Silva has got to work on short cut-in passes. Two missed assist opportunities and counting.
42' - "Orange Crush" fizzing at the moment. One way traffic but luckily for TFC they haven't found a good finish.
45' - Unlike resistance fighter and "runner" William Laughlin, The Reds are still alive at the halfway mark. That was a reference from a documentary called "The Running Man" by the way. Now available on BetaMax.

47' - Reds press early but scramble sees both Darren O'Dea and Matias Laba rolling on pitch in pain. Or as TFC supporters called the scene: "motherf**********************ck". Neither required a hole to be buried in.
55' - Reds dropping to ground like flies. Doneil Henry looking like a giraffe shot by a poacher.
59' - SUB: Jeremy Brockie on for Luis Silva
60' - Thousands of fans* upset that Joe Bendik has changed goalkeeping outfits choosing a double-blue ensemble over his famous "Giant Pickle" costume. (*Possibly one fan)
64' - Robert Earnshaw with a weak effort on goal. The Welshman seems to have a powerbar that won't pass 50% tonight
70' - BBVA Compass Stadium is the centrepiece of Downtown Houston's major rebuilding effort after the devastating damage caused by President Whitmore's orders to nuke the city during 1996's tragic Independence Day alien invasion. #NeverForget
72' - Jeremy Brockie has been a tremendous spark plug since his introduction. "It's Business Time"
77' - SUB: Danny Koevermans on for Robert Earnshaw
80' - SUB: Darel "The Roy G." Russel on for Bobby Convey
83' - Houston throwing the kitchen sink at TFC. It's orange porcelain. Very nice.
88' - Reds fighting hard and trying to run out the match. If only there were a decent film reference to illuminate this.
90'+ - Major League Bum Squeaking


PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 7 / Ryan Richter 5 / Doneil Henry 5.5 / Steven Caldwell 7.5 / Darren O'Dea 6.5 / Jonathan Osorio 6.5 / Matias Laba 6 / Jeremy Hall 6.5 / Bobby Convey 6 (Darel Russel N/A) / Luis Silva 5 (Jeremy Brockie 7 ) / Robert Earnshaw 5.5 (Danny Koevermans N/A)

Steven Caldwell

Much like wrongfully convicted hero Ben Richards (in the 1987 biopic "The Running Man"), TFC had to overcome the odds and survive wildly dressed foes in a dystopian wasteland... er... Texas. It wasn't the most artistic thing to watch for two hours but it did the job. TFC we mean - not hit 1987 docudrama "The Running Man"
Credit where it's due - The Reds had to scrap tonight to get the draw - the club's first clean sheet of the season. However, it was only the trench-like defending led by Steven Caldwell that kept Toronto in the match as the team's offensive output is still... well... offensive.
An opponent that was firing on all cylinders would have likely grabbed a goal against TFC especially during a panic filled last 10 minutes. That being said, it is two matches on the trot where Ryan Nelsen can say his squad was "hard to beat".
If only they had a Predator up front. Wait... that's not right. Commando? Nuts to this, I'm going to eat a Creamsicle.

Totally Texshan!

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