THE MATCHUP: Arrested development

"Dr. Tobias Funke... I'm Nick Soolsma's analrapist..."

HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
　
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM - WEDNESDAY 9PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
How much worse can it get? If the 1-10 record, manager merry-go-round and fourth five-year-plan wasn't enough for you - now TFC has a gang of vicious criminals in their midst. As most of you know by now, the criminal gang known as "The Escobar Three" (Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva and Nick Soolsma) are on the loose! Well... loose within the club thanks to Moneybags de Guzman bailing them out. What happens next to these evildoers is yet to be determined but will no doubt be accompanied by yet another "riveting" official statement from the club to put fans' minds at ease.
　
Now honestly, in the grand scheme of things, three drunken Reds is only the icing on football's crappiest cake. While the story has terrible optics, those would be lessened if TFC wasn't a giant mess in every other facet. How will the club respond on the pitch in Houston? Who knows? A united squad would overcome this and band together - but, TFC may well use it as yet another new excuse to pardon their play. Paul Mariner - welcome to your new Plymouth.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Shawshank Redemption"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
HOUSTON: Brad Davis, Oscar Boniek Garcia, Macoumba Kandji
TORONTO: Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva, Nick Soolsma
　
THE ODDS:
- Dynamo co-owner Oscar De La Hoya challenging Aceval, Silva and Soolsma to a halftime brawl: 10-1
- Toronto FC desperately trying to sign the Houston cop that outran Luis Silva: 20-1
- "The Escobar Three" released by the club due to behaviour - Frings and Koevermans immediately rob a Texas bank just to get out of their TFC contracts: 30-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
After TFC/MLSE's less than confident "official statement" over yesterday's crime wave, they will apparently try to soothe TFC supporters' anger with another inspired release later today with wording as such:

"We are aware of the fact that we have utterly destroyed what could have become one of the league's best clubs. We are presently constructing a new five-year-plan as we continue to investigate and obliterate all remaining interest in Toronto FC. As such, the team will not provide further comment until Tom Anselmi's next press conference regarding new manager Jim Brennan.

P.S: "Support the Troops!"
P.S.S. "OMG its Liverpool!!!"
P.S.S.S. Season tickets are going up by 15%

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "ARRESTED TFC PLAYERS RELEASED - TFC SUPPORTERS STUCK WITH LIFE SENTENCE"

And... major bonus points to anyone at BMO Field who sings part of this song on Saturday...