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Thursday, September 23, 2010

To… hr@mlse / Subject: Cheap Labour

Even my family thought it looked like me.

Hear there’s a new job opportunity. Finally, living out the dream of managing a struggling MLS side can be yours. Well mine anyways.

Oh sure, a cushy job in the computer industry affords a certain amount of stability, but like all things in life, why would anyone want the whole seat when you only need the edge...

And the benefits out weigh the drawbacks. On one hand:
  • better sight lines
  • free parking near the stadium on game day
  • uncovering the truth as to how certain players were ever scouted and signed for the side
  • have an opinion on next year’s kits
  • bring back Collin Samuel on world’s first ever play-for-pie contract
  • get my friend Dave a try out. Dave is the best defender on my Wednesday night rec league team. This guy is so good for a man with a clubbed foot.
  • get invited to Jon Conway's "mid-season kegger". Dude, it's soooo epic. That guy is so huge, his keg stand needs a permit.

    The drawbacks? Let’s see...

  • media scrutiny only when the team fails miserably for 3 years
  • fear of getting punched in any Usanov contract negotiations
  • not all of the supporters groups will boo me at the end of a month’s worth of poor performances
  • beer discount only 10%
  • the hard work in front of me to trade Nick Garcia for anything more than a bag of day-old kettle corn.
  • Get invited to Tom Anselmi's pot luck. Seriously, hot dogs in a Pillsbury crescent roll is such a damn cop-out Tommy given the effort The Chad puts into his pulled pork.

    Hmmm... not that bad after all.

    Education:
    BA in Geography. Most people have only heard of Latvia - I can point to it on a map with ease. Same with The Gambia. Same with where the ball landed on the last shot Peterson took. Hint: look behind the Tim Hortons in Uxbridge...

    Experience:
    November 1997 - Took a club from Serie C2 to Serie A to become the most dominant football club in Europe. It was a football manager sim, and could complete a season in about 20 mins, but you cannot ignore the managerial prowess.

    February 1998 - Orchestrated the 5-1 thrashing of Men’s University intramural indoor soccer side, Men Chest Hair You Knighted. Yes, it was a recreation-B division but cultivating team chemistry was crucial with post-game beers down at the school pub.

    April 2006 - Ran a successful guild in a popular online game with an installed management team to keep the engine humming right along through the obstacles put in front of us. There are many fundamental similarities between a well geared Warrior and a winger.

    March 2007 - Can win the league in Pro Evo on 3 stars difficulty. I’m Alex bloody Ferguson here.

    July 2008-Present - The ability to give plausible excuses as to why things are falling apart, and not using late afternoon start times and injuries preventing flight as said scapegoats. It’s how I’ve kept both of my girlfriends happy.

    Hobbies:
    Making fake MLS logos, needlepoint, b-boying, blogging, soccer, being able to spot non-talented players without having to sign them first, photoshop, penning dope rhymes, chip butty connaisseur, line dancing, being a total smartass.



    Now it’s only a matter of when, rather than if, the phone rings. C'mon Tommy*, give me the job already.

    * only Mr. Anselmi's friends can call him Tommy

1 comment:

  1. You can use me as a reference

    You'll be sure to get in!

    ReplyDelete