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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Before you know it - a lovely pie!"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
Dear Stan,
I am really enjoying FIFA 12, but I find it damn near impossible to adjust from Semi-Pro difficulty to Professional difficulty. I can't seem to defend that well in Professional difficulty and it's really hard for me to get a shot on goal. What kind of expertise would you give for this situation? Michael - Oakville, ON
Pip-pip Michael, you have struck a real chord with Old Stan with this one. The boys down at FIFA are a jolly good bunch and I've spent more than a few Sunday afternoons knee-deep with them. It's been a while so I didn't realize they instituted a Semi-Pro and Professional classification but I assume it has something to do with the size of the catch? "Shot on goal" is also a funny term for getting a biggun but they all end up "in a net" - so I like it! I'm still mates with prolific striker Ray Crawford and some other chaps down in Suffolk so if you like, I can get some of the lads from FIFA (The Federation of Ipswich Fly Anglers) to give you a ring on the blower. Keep fishing Michael!
Hi Stan,
I'm really not much of a gourmet but need to whip up a holiday dinner. Can you please give me your best recipe? Much appreciated - Len - Auburn Hills, MI
It's true Len, Stan loves a good slap-up meal. I've had the privilege of eating in some fine establishments anywhere from Torquay to Carlisle. Here's a recipe for a winner... "Bentley's Christmas Pie". First the ingredients...
- 2 bushels of leeks; a quart of high-quality Thames eels; a half-yard of streaky bacon; a pint of Derbyshire Cream; a farmer's hat of crumbled barley; and, a pinch of Yugoslavian brandy.
- Once you've got these ingredients, tell your wife and/or secretary where they are; then, find a good film to watch on the telly; and before you know it - a lovely pie!
- Serves 3 to 17 people. Enjoy!
I've recently started online dating. I've been chatting with a woman for a while now but a bit worried about taking it farther. She looks great in her profile, we are both TFC fans and seem to get along really well. Just wondering if you know of any checks I can do before agreeing to meet. Thanks for your help, love your column.... Trey - Mississauga, ON
Checks? You've come to the right place Trey. Is that short for Treymond by the way? Hey-ho, Stan knows about meeting new ladies on the line. I used to take the Metropolitan Line tube up to Watford most match days. Lovely ginger bird used to get on at Finchley Road station. I could tell she liked the look of Old Stan and so I offered her a boiled sweet and got chatting. Let's just say that before the train reached Harrow-on-the-Hill, Stan was an expert in dating on the line. Huzzah! If you want to be careful though boy, ask this new lass to show you her passport, a letter from her vicar and a notarized record of her recent vaccinations. Reminds me, have to pop out and get an ointment from the chemist. That night out after the friendly against Sparta Prague is still haunting me. Czechs! Good luck, Treymond.
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

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