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Monday, September 17, 2012

THE STARTING 11: Ways Toronto FC is using the NHL lockout to their advantage

"He's got some hair and we don't care - he's Dan"

"War. Famine. Natural disasters. That's later in the news, but first, 2 hours of live coverage from the NHL Lockout!" It's a wonder Canada's economy hasn't ground to a halt and the army put on stand-by as our national treasure (so we are forced to believe) - professional iced hockey - has been put on hold. Why it's as if we'd have to find a million other reasons why Canada is a great country isn't it? Anyhoo, with puck football indeed in a holding pattern and thousands of hosers desperate for a sporting fix, TFC has a golden opportunity. In a bid to up its failing fan interest and position itself as a hockey alternative, The Reds have embarked on these toque-happy initiatives....
11. Every time an opponent gets a corner kick, Eric Hassli will bodycheck them into the boards from behind
10. Bitchy the Hawk outfitted with tiny helmet and mouth-guard
9. Wayne Gretzky to be hired next June as high-priced consultant in TFC’s next "exhaustive" head coach search
8. Eric Avila is growing a massive mullet
7. TFC will somehow win the Stanley Cup before the Maple Leafs
6. Adrian Serioux forced to dress like Don Cherry on GOL TV
5. "Danny Dichio Song" replaced by the "Dan Daoust Song"
4. Paul Mariner to knock out Julian de Guzman's front teeth
3. TFC to refer to themselves as "football's Hartford Whalers"
2. Ty Harden sent to the Marlies
1. First 5000 fans get a free concussion!
And… in respect to "hockey’s Toronto FC", please enjoy this tribute to "The Mighty Whale" and their lost theme song… "Brass Bonanza"…

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