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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “…faffin’ about in pastel boots ”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
Hi Stan,
I’m frustrated with TFC as they seem more interested in money over winning championships. Were endorsements and sponsorships this important when you played?
Craig - Etobicoke, ON
The modern game has gone to absolute tosh my lad. All I see on the Match of The Day now is a bunch of foreign ponces faffin’ about in pastel boots with kits that look like motorway ad hoardings. It’s a bloody disgrace I say! Players selling their souls for the almighty shilling - is nothing sacred? Just play your football then maybe a post-match pint at The Cobbler’s Arms Pub on William Street ("For good times and good ale it’s The Cobbler’s Arms"); possibly if you are peckish you may stop for some nosh at P. Wilson Pie & Mash on the High Street ("The official jellied eel purveyor of Southend United’s Stan Bentley"); and make it a night out I say, you played well and you did fix up your hair after the match with Olde Berkshire Masculine Hairstyling Petroleum ("On the pull? Reach for Olde Berkshire") – just don’t give in to greed and shameless self-promotion! All the best, Stan Bentley ("Modern Day Advice – The Bentley Way")
Just started to read "The Gents" and love it. Can I follow you on Twitter or Facebook?
Justin – Toronto, ON
Who are you man and why are you following me?! Don’t try it on boy-o, Old Stan knows a thing or two about being followed… and I own a pair of karate slippers. I was trailed for weeks when I played for Charlton Athletic. Shadowy figure following me about all round South London: The Gentleman’s Oriental Calisthenics Parlour (where I got the slippers), The Gentleman’s Parlour of Boudoir Ladydancing and even to the Community Opium Parlour (unisex) – no respite! It was only after I got transferred to Carlisle United that I heard through the grapevine (a boudoir ladydancer) that my mystery stalker had been my teammate at The Addicks - speedy forward Johnny Summers! But tell me this one - how I was supposed to know that Mrs. Rhonda Summers was married? Kept a few photos of his lady in a book – none of her face though. Keep away, Stan.
Hello Stan,
I have a problem. My boyfriend is very competitive with me about our careers and it really bothers me – what can I do?
Samantha – Bolton, ON
Cheerio Samantha – love to get some post from a ladyreader. And Bolton too! Up the Trotters! To your query though… I must say I am utterly confused. By my scientific calculations your boyfriend is quite alarmingly employed in the secretarial pool, as some type of crossdressing lunch lady or he is a stewardess. Ah, competitive stewardesses. Old Stan was a celebrity judge once at the "Pan-European Stewardess Olympiad and Dance" you know. Fantastic display it was. Trolley Dollies as far as the eye could see. The Inga from Royal Dutch was ahead until she failed to light my pipe properly; then the ginger from Aer Lingus underbuttered my scone which left the madame from Air France… took her three fumbly goes before she successfully buckled my safety belt – 1st Prize! Any way you slice it Samantha, there’s no need to fret – any airline with a male stewardess like your boyfriend will soon be bankrupt! You win! Bon Voyage!
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue


  1. I figured it out. "Stan Bentley" is the ghost of Bobby Moore.

    1. That guy was a flash in the pan.