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Monday, December 23, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Ways that Toronto FC can adapt to the ice storm

"I... must... get... to BMO... to see... TFC v Crew!"

Hey Commissioner Dong Grabber - we've got your MLS Winter Schedule right here! (We just grabbed our manbits and followed it with an insulting Italian hand gesture)

Shock of shocks, December in Toronto has dished up a lovely heap of frozen water hilarity with large chunks of the city plunged into darkness and worse... without Internet! Do you know what that does to website hits? If we had more staff they'd be laid off Scrooge-style. Anyplops, with the metropolis frigidly stuck in one spot, we can't help but think how those less fortunate than us - Toronto FC - would fair long-term through winter tomfoolery like this at BMO Field.

11. Ushers would show you to your seats by sliding you down stairs

10. The iced-over pitch would lead to Steven Caldwell being referred to as "speedy defender/attacker"

9. The new TFC Canada Goose fleece kit would be immediately available at RealSports for the low, low price of $899.99!!!

8. Bitchy the Hawk would demand a full-length mink coat

7. TIFO displays would shatter into thousands of tiny pieces after 2 minutes of exposure

6. Jim Brennan immediately promoted to Regional Vice-President of Frozen Precipitation Development

5. "Frozen Lambe" puns to spike at shocking 180% rate

4. Tossing a beer at a player would come with an "assault with a deadly weapon" charge

3. Hipsters to proclaim "Frozen Butty the new ice cream"

2. The BMO Field Black Cat to be permanently frozen to the penalty spot in hilarious, over-dramatic death pose

1. 2014 ticket prices literally frozen

1 comment:

  1. Lucite hardening ... must end life in classic Lorne Greene
    pose from "Battlestar Galactica." Best ... death ... ever!