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Wednesday, March 12, 2014

It's a big, bloody list! Know your TFC 2014

Fresh out of the box Reds!

Eels! Eels! Eels! Big, bloody eels as far as the eye can see! Toronto FC is set to embark on their most ambitious season to date with a massive sea change of personnel... again. But this time, the newcomers are actual footballers and not a mixture of Latvian bus drivers and miscellany.

As your Nu-Eff Cee's prepare to kick a ball in anger, here is a handy A(gbossoumonde) to Z(If you pronounce Wiedeman as Zwiedeman) guide to the club. Chock full of hard-hitting investigative journalism, fascinating statistics* and shocking facts* (*not necessarily statistical) (* not entirely factual), we urge you to print up this list, stick it to your fridge, above your toilet or to someone you love and see how many of these lads are here in October.

#6 GALE AGBOSSOUMONDE - D
NATION: Togo
NICKNAME: "Boss"
SHOCKING FACT*: Togolese-to-English translation of his name is actually Gary A. Bosworth
PREDICTION: Putting kit customizers' kids through college

#34 MANNY APARICIO - M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "Wee Manny", "The Apparition"
SHOCKING FACT*: Born into a long bloodline of tiny Argentine illusionists
PREDICTION: Getting all of Joao Plata's TFC hand-me-downs

#8 KYLE BEKKER - M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "The Oak"
SHOCKING FACT*: Presto transit cards do NOT go against salary cap
PREDICTION: Making Oakville GO Train service seem nimble in comparison

#12 JOE BENDIK- GK
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Super Pickle"
SHOCKING FACT*: Kicks with his eyes closed. Dill with it.
PREDICTION: Realizing what Stefan Frei felt like last year

#28 MARK BLOOM - D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Nellie's Bloomer"
SHOCKING FACT*: 0.003% of population knows what he looks like
PREDICTION: Narrowly avoiding Bradley Orr's depth-chart headbutts

#4 MICHAEL BRADLEY - M
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "The General"
SHOCKING FACT*: Played Lex Luthor in 3rd Grade school play
PREDICTION: Making Americans sad at away fixtures

#13 STEVEN CALDWELL - D
NATION: Scotland
NICKNAME: "Cap'n Crunch"
SHOCKING FACT*: Has attempted to deep-fry his captain's arm-band
PREDICTION: Yelling at Doneil Henry. A lot.

#30 JULIO CESAR - GK
NATION: Brazil
NICKNAME: "The Emperor"
SHOCKING FACT*: Ironically allergic to both salad and Clamato-based beverages
PREDICTION: Yelling at Doneil Henry. A lot.

#14 DWAYNE DE ROSARIO - M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "De Ro", "The Prodigal Scarberian"
SHOCKING FACT*: Hired Raivis Hscanovics to appear out of nowhere and rub his shoulders whenever he gets upset
PREDICTION: Shocking victory in Toronto mayoral election

#18 JERMAIN DEFOE - F
NATION: England
NICKNAME: "feat. Drake"
SHOCKING FACT*: Turned down contract offer from New England when only rapper they managed to get to phone him was the other guy from "House of Pain"
PREDICTION: Scoring goals. Scoring gals.

#7 BRIGHT DIKE - F
NATION: Nigeria
NICKNAME: "Carnage"
SHOCKING FACT*: Upon Stefan Frei's departure was given the locker built directly over an Indian burial ground
PREDICTION: Having many fans pull for him to recover

#11 JACKSON - D/M
NATION: Brazil
NICKNAME: "Tito"
SHOCKING FACT*: Has seven brothers named Richie, Loggins, Hall, Oates, Huey, Lewis and Fred.
PREDICTION: Forming tag-team with Bradley Orr to fight all teammates

#17 NICK HAGGLUND - D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Hagglund the Horrible"
SHOCKING FACT*: Has accepted the title of "TFC's Whitest White Dude", available after the departure of Terry Dunfield
PREDICTION: Carrying Jermain Defoe's bags through airports

#25 JEREMY HALL - D/M
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Jersenio"
SHOCKING FACT*: South Stand Jeremy Hall supporters' group "The Dawg Pound" now up to 2 1/2 members
PREDICTION: Making us still go "hmm?"

#22 - JORDAN HAMILTON - F
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "Air Scarborough"
SHOCKING FACT*: Does not hail from either Middle Eastern nation of Jordan or Middle Earth city of Hamilton.
PREDICTION: Constantly being recalled from Wilmington

#15 DONEIL HENRY - D
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "Oh No Henry"
SHOCKING FACT*: Once got red carded while waiting for a bus
PREDICTION: Getting yelled at

#1 CHRIS KONOPKA - GK
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "K-Cups"
SHOCKING FACT*: Chose the # 1 kit
PREDICTION: His kit proves to be a liar

# - DANIEL LOVITZ - M
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "The Critic"
SHOCKING FACT*: He is not a tiny cartoon film reviewer
PREDICTION: Not giving us the chance to sing "I Don't Care - he's Lovitz!"

#5 ASHTONE MORGAN - D
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "#NastyBenchOption"
SHOCKING FACT*: Voted "Most Likely to Confound Predictions" at TFC prom
PREDICTION: Using the seventh of his football career's nine lives

#2 JUSTIN MORROW- D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "2Morrow"
SHOCKING FACT*: You'll like him, 2Morrow
PREDICTION: He's only a day away

#9 GILBERTO - F
NATION: Brazil
NICKNAME: "The Bloody Medium Deal", "Ol' Gil"
SHOCKING FACT*: Full name is actually Gilberto Oliveira Billy Ray Souza Jr.
PREDICTION: Making fans say "we should have kept Laba"

#16 BRADLEY ORR - D
NATION: England
NICKNAME: "Ifs Orrs & Butts", "Bee-Orr"
SHOCKING FACT*: Former TFC defender Maxim Usanov referred to Orr as "too punchy"
PREDICTION: Pantomime villain/Fan favourite

#21 JONATHAN OSORIO - M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "J Ro", "Jon-O-Vision"
SHOCKING FACT*: Blew his rookie season salary on failed Uruguayan video rental business "MonteVideo"
PREDICTION: Playing well enough not to get traded to San Jose for "future considerations"

#23 ALVARO REY - M
NATION: Spain
NICKNAME: "Copadel", "Lanadel"
SHOCKING FACT*: His salary
PREDICTION: Happily accepting Defoe’s WAG run-off

#33 RYAN RICHTER - D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Scales"
SHOCKING FACT*: Never garnered transfer interest from San Jose Earthquakes despite amazing cross-promotional opportunities
PREDICTION: Minor tremors

#40 QUILLAN ROBERTS - GK
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "Q"
SHOCKING FACT*: Lists Seal's third full studio album "Human Being" as the single most important influence on his playing career
PREDICTION: A series of tremendous clean sheet performances... in Wilmington

#32 ANDREW WIEDEMAN - M
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Wet Wiedeman", "(Insert your gag here) of the Modern Era"
SHOCKING FACT*: Is amphibious
PREDICTION: Will invent mobile showerhead to keep self drenched at all times... lead the league in scoring


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