6:30 AM: Rising und shining early today. Must travel to Kanada for MLS und Ë Kristmassen Pärty for FC Toronto. Awaiting mein driver Franz for transport to Los Angeles Flughafen und flight to Toronto mit Luft Kanada Airlines - it is poor man's Lufthansa. Enough time for der bowl of München Muesli mit smoked herring und nackt yoga session.
8 AM: Franz delivered me to LAX Flughafen and we depart mit kiss to both cheeks. Say goodbye to mein precious kitty-kat friend Karl-Heinz who came for ride in mein luxury stretch Opel.
8:30 AM: Schiesse! LAX Flughafen crowded liken zie first day of Hannover Gherkin und Offal Meat Festival! Yankee security measures strict und invasive - excellent. Opt for full pat-down body search. Reminded of schöolboy days at Göppingen Schulefaktöry for Jungen Boy Education und Emotional Discipline. Thorough.
9:30 AM: Await boarding Luft Kanada fleugzeug, send texten message to Herr Anselmi und asken if I must bring gift to die pärty. Rapid reply from Anselmi before boarding - "At least 3 changes of clothes LOL!" Never ünderschtand das Kanadian humour. Wunderbar - stewardess looks like young Ursula Andress!
11 AM: Das turbulenz makes flight more unbearable than poor excuse of Luft Kanada "breakfast". Was ist die maple doughnutten?! Bumpy flight making muesli mit herring angry. In-flight televisual machine ist poor. Not enjoy das dokumentary on vater of eis hockey spieler Wäyne Gretzky nor programmen of Kanadian Mounted Polizei fighting zie crime in Chicago. Thankful I have download into mein iPäd hilarious new German gameshow "For Money, Your Wife und der Grizzly Bear". Must rest for pärty .
2 PM: Oh mein Gott! Awoke startled from strange aviation-based nightmären! Dreamt Luft Kanada piloten vas former Engerland international Teddy Sheringham und he put plane into nosedive into hot tub full of cottage cheese und honey while yelling "We have arrived in Sexy Town USA!" Startled und sweating! Stewardessfrau offer moist toweletten. Asken for "die exträ” but forgot I am not on zie Lufthansa.
7:30 PM (Kanada Time): Arriven das Toronto. Kustoms official asken if “I have anything to declare”. I reply “I have appeared in three World Cups, have studied the inner workings of the late Hapsburg Empire und am disarmingly handsome”. In arrival zone, FC Toronto sent limosuinaüto to transport me to pärty at MLS und E secret bunker. Driver ist unemployed hobo. He tells me he is footballer Nicholas Garcia. I say “never heard of it.”
8:30 PM: Car disappears under concrete building into der massive cavern. Two women painted in die göld lead me to elevatorschaft. Pass pool of choppy water. War dass a shark!? Get in elevator... why ist feeling like ist descending rapidly? How ist dies possible? After 10 minuten, elevatorschaft doors open to pärty... oh mein gott...
8:39 PM: Der dwarf dressed as astronaut gives me drink mit smoke raising from glass. Tastes liken zie mixture of gooseberry und burnt Deutschemarks!
8:50 PM: Herr Anselmi und Earl of Cockrain willkommen me to pärty. Why ist Anselmi dressed as Roman Emperor Nero und Earl wearing die scuba gear? Ist that peacock fighting der chimpanzee on die trämpoliner?
9:15 PM: Nackt women offer me fingerlich food from between her milchkännken! Mmm! Delikat! I tell der nacktfrau it taste like smoked knackwürst but she läffs and I think she says “it is from outer space”. My Kanadian Englische must not be gut. Dvayne Der Rozario is onstage rap musiking about der “gin and juice”. I feel most dizzy.
9:40 PM: I tell der JimmyBee we must talk of konsültantwerk und he looks at me und screams “I am the lizard king!” Man dressed as Englander Kaiser Henry VIII announced “anyone with golden tickets come to the virgin chamber!” Go to der bar in confusion. Tränsvestite in der construction hat makes cocktailen he/she calls “Sex With Panda On The Beach”
--:-- PM?: A monkey stole my wätch! It vas der Timex given to me by Otto Rehhagel! Ist das Danny Dichio nackt on der tiny pony?
--:-- PM?: Must sit. Find die chesterfieldsofa und lay down. Achtung! Sofa ist un fat man in die schwarz fullbödy lederhosen! Why ist Nick Dasovic holding das handgrenade?
--:-- AM?: Herr Anselmi ist covered in red syrup... I am hoping. A giant Japanese woman asken me if I have ever “seen der tiger mate mit der Chevrolet?”
--:-- AM?: Four tiny Julian der Guzmans ist singing Boney M in Batman mäsken! I have lost all sense of touch.
--:-- AM?: Nick LaBrocca ist offering tax advice to der goat when tall Aryan man says “I am here to save you Jürgen, take the blue pill if you want to live” I taken zie pill and say “who are you lang blönde stränger?” I drift to slumber. I think the man said “Father Jacob Peterso...”
9 AM: Woke from dream where Teddy Sheringham was spraying me mit water hose in golden bikini but in reality it was mein kitty kat Karl-Heinz licking mein nose. Wat! How did I get back to Kalifornia? Texten message from Herr Anselmi: Hope you had a good time at da party LOL! Where you at? It’s been 4 days? Oh mein Gott!
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No goat was given tax advice during the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke
8 AM: Franz delivered me to LAX Flughafen and we depart mit kiss to both cheeks. Say goodbye to mein precious kitty-kat friend Karl-Heinz who came for ride in mein luxury stretch Opel.
8:30 AM: Schiesse! LAX Flughafen crowded liken zie first day of Hannover Gherkin und Offal Meat Festival! Yankee security measures strict und invasive - excellent. Opt for full pat-down body search. Reminded of schöolboy days at Göppingen Schulefaktöry for Jungen Boy Education und Emotional Discipline. Thorough.
9:30 AM: Await boarding Luft Kanada fleugzeug, send texten message to Herr Anselmi und asken if I must bring gift to die pärty. Rapid reply from Anselmi before boarding - "At least 3 changes of clothes LOL!" Never ünderschtand das Kanadian humour. Wunderbar - stewardess looks like young Ursula Andress!
11 AM: Das turbulenz makes flight more unbearable than poor excuse of Luft Kanada "breakfast". Was ist die maple doughnutten?! Bumpy flight making muesli mit herring angry. In-flight televisual machine ist poor. Not enjoy das dokumentary on vater of eis hockey spieler Wäyne Gretzky nor programmen of Kanadian Mounted Polizei fighting zie crime in Chicago. Thankful I have download into mein iPäd hilarious new German gameshow "For Money, Your Wife und der Grizzly Bear". Must rest for pärty .
2 PM: Oh mein Gott! Awoke startled from strange aviation-based nightmären! Dreamt Luft Kanada piloten vas former Engerland international Teddy Sheringham und he put plane into nosedive into hot tub full of cottage cheese und honey while yelling "We have arrived in Sexy Town USA!" Startled und sweating! Stewardessfrau offer moist toweletten. Asken for "die exträ” but forgot I am not on zie Lufthansa.
7:30 PM (Kanada Time): Arriven das Toronto. Kustoms official asken if “I have anything to declare”. I reply “I have appeared in three World Cups, have studied the inner workings of the late Hapsburg Empire und am disarmingly handsome”. In arrival zone, FC Toronto sent limosuinaüto to transport me to pärty at MLS und E secret bunker. Driver ist unemployed hobo. He tells me he is footballer Nicholas Garcia. I say “never heard of it.”
8:30 PM: Car disappears under concrete building into der massive cavern. Two women painted in die göld lead me to elevatorschaft. Pass pool of choppy water. War dass a shark!? Get in elevator... why ist feeling like ist descending rapidly? How ist dies possible? After 10 minuten, elevatorschaft doors open to pärty... oh mein gott...
8:39 PM: Der dwarf dressed as astronaut gives me drink mit smoke raising from glass. Tastes liken zie mixture of gooseberry und burnt Deutschemarks!
8:50 PM: Herr Anselmi und Earl of Cockrain willkommen me to pärty. Why ist Anselmi dressed as Roman Emperor Nero und Earl wearing die scuba gear? Ist that peacock fighting der chimpanzee on die trämpoliner?
9:15 PM: Nackt women offer me fingerlich food from between her milchkännken! Mmm! Delikat! I tell der nacktfrau it taste like smoked knackwürst but she läffs and I think she says “it is from outer space”. My Kanadian Englische must not be gut. Dvayne Der Rozario is onstage rap musiking about der “gin and juice”. I feel most dizzy.
9:40 PM: I tell der JimmyBee we must talk of konsültantwerk und he looks at me und screams “I am the lizard king!” Man dressed as Englander Kaiser Henry VIII announced “anyone with golden tickets come to the virgin chamber!” Go to der bar in confusion. Tränsvestite in der construction hat makes cocktailen he/she calls “Sex With Panda On The Beach”
--:-- PM?: A monkey stole my wätch! It vas der Timex given to me by Otto Rehhagel! Ist das Danny Dichio nackt on der tiny pony?
--:-- PM?: Must sit. Find die chesterfieldsofa und lay down. Achtung! Sofa ist un fat man in die schwarz fullbödy lederhosen! Why ist Nick Dasovic holding das handgrenade?
--:-- AM?: Herr Anselmi ist covered in red syrup... I am hoping. A giant Japanese woman asken me if I have ever “seen der tiger mate mit der Chevrolet?”
--:-- AM?: Four tiny Julian der Guzmans ist singing Boney M in Batman mäsken! I have lost all sense of touch.
--:-- AM?: Nick LaBrocca ist offering tax advice to der goat when tall Aryan man says “I am here to save you Jürgen, take the blue pill if you want to live” I taken zie pill and say “who are you lang blönde stränger?” I drift to slumber. I think the man said “Father Jacob Peterso...”
9 AM: Woke from dream where Teddy Sheringham was spraying me mit water hose in golden bikini but in reality it was mein kitty kat Karl-Heinz licking mein nose. Wat! How did I get back to Kalifornia? Texten message from Herr Anselmi: Hope you had a good time at da party LOL! Where you at? It’s been 4 days? Oh mein Gott!
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No goat was given tax advice during the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment