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Thursday, August 25, 2011

AFTER 90 (REPLAY): Lightning strikes twice as Reds lose to Dallas... again

Electrifying! Unlike TFC's offence.

Whatever god, deity or golden calf that MLSE sacrifices virgins to - really, really wants Toronto FC to become CONCACAF Champions. For the second time this year, Great Odin's Beard has caused the skies to turn upside down over BMO Field and wash away a 1-0 deficit in its biblical wake. The first time around, against Vancouver, us fans got to attend a make-up match weeks later but this time the match will be replayed at 10:15AM on a weekday.
It is great news for those who are paid to report on football and/or the terminally "alternatively" employed but for those of us not paid to report on the football men kicking their football goals (I know, you're shocked aren't you) we must follow via the wacky online world of social media and other internet machine gadgetry. Instead... today we decided to pretend that one of last night's thousands of lightning strikes hit The Yorkies' international headquarters and our report thus comes from a dimension where anything can be imagined... and coffee has yet to be digested.
1' - Literally 1's of supporters on hand with the match getting set to get underway. Three-man referee crew without two day’s worth of laundry have resorted to wearing a bathrobe, a rented Batman costume and a comedy hot dog outfit. Kick-off...
3' - Only major change to TFC line-up being exclusion of Terry Dunfield who decided to have the CNE Krispy Kreme hamburger for breakfast. Donuts and meat was a bad choice
10' - Concerns that FC Dallas' Brek Shea was hit by lightning last night diffused - his hair apparently always looks that way
13' - Peri Marosevic and Ryan Johnson putting pressure on Dallas keeper Kevin Hartman - first one to score gets a framed Def Leppard mirror
20' - Free admission to match at CNE means a heavy Carny presence in stands. Rubes are getting hustled this morning
27' - Gianluca Zavarise with a shot that bounces off the side of the Food Building, spins twice on a Crown & Anchor wheel, knocks a waffle ice cream out of a fat kid's hand and ends up in Kevin Hartman's hands. Furious action!
35' - Teams starting to look a bit winded. Replacing Gatorade with Deep Fried Cola not a bright idea
38' - YELLOW CARD: Torsten Frings decks Brek Shea. Give the German a stuffed toy unicorn
40' - Joao Plata pressuring Hartman's north end goal. Possibly being drawn by smell of Tiny Tom's Donuts... or genuine camaraderie with the height-challenged Donut mascot
45' - PENALTY: Richard Eckersley (YELLOW CARD) pulls down Marvin Chavez in the area. Daniel Hernandez takes the kick and... misses! Totally distracted by the smell from the Horse Building
45'+ - GOAL: MLSE forgot to give their god a peanut and FCD's Jack Stewart baffles Matt Stinson and slots the ball past Milos Kocic. Karma? Halftime whistle blown
46' - No changes for TFC. Halftime oranges replaced by pizza-on-a-stick - will it pay off?
50' - The MC from the Arctic Express ride standing in front row yelling "DO YOU WANNA GO FASTER?!!!" at Ty Harden
53' - SUB: Danleigh Borman out for Ashtone Morgan who just got off The Gravitron
56' - SUB: Gianluca Zavarise heads off to give debut to Leandre Griffit who sadly has to wolf down his first ever corn dog before running on pitch. No time to savour
67' - Sorry... was dreaming of the Better Living Building. Could have bought three Sham-Wows, a cheap leather belt and got a caricature of myself as an astronaut kicking a football past an alien resembling David Seaman. Still 1-0 eh?
71' - TFC looking more likely to win a midway ring-toss game than scoring a goal anytime soon
77' - Today's match being called "the greatest free entertainment at the CNE since Sha Na Na wrestled alligators live on stage at the bandshell back in 1987". God speed "Bowzer"... God speed.
80' - SUB: Matt Stinson out for Doneil Henry. Sure... why not?
82' - Where's a good tornado when you need one?
85' - TFC throwing the kitchen sink at Dallas. Ironically, kitchen sinks are on sale in the Better Living Building
88' - I need a deep fried vodka
89' - YELLOW CARD: Richard Eckersley acts petulantly and gets a 2nd Yellow for booting the ball into the stands which means... RED CARD. Dumb.
90'+ - Watching The Reds and the visiting the CNE had a lot in common today - you expect a day of fun but end up spending too much on food, getting a bit bored and leaving with a slight headache
While weather gods can do all kinds of magic, like giving you a second chance to prove you can't suck twice in a row, but at some point you have to do some work yourself. TFC, who came out flat last night (before the mini "End of Days") had every opportunity to reverse their CONCACAF Champions League fortunes today but could only respond with more of the same. Today's replay was such a gift for The Reds, one that could have put them in the Group C driver's seat, which makes their flat performance seem all the worse. The offence has once again fallen into sputter-mode and today's re-loss gifts FC Dallas a huge advantage in the group while putting TFC
PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 5 / Ty Harden 6 / Torsten Frings 6.5 / Danleigh Borman 6 (Ashtone Morgan 6 ) / Matt Stinson 5.5 (Doneil Henry - )/ Gianluca Zavarise 6.5 (Leandre Griffit 6 ) / Peri Marosevic 6.5 / Julian de Guzman 5.5 / Ryan Johnson 6 / Joao Plata 6
TALKING POINT: TFC would have won a third match. Discuss.

1 comment:

  1. Winter saw the error of his ways from last night and slotted Frings to play in central defence in a back three and placing Iro on the bench. However, the midfield quartet was overmatched in the first half: Stinson is strong athletically but doesn't have the technical skills to be a wingback, Borman's service is too inconsistent and his defending is spotty at best, Zavarise is quick, he hustled and he had the odd moment or two but gets knocked around too easily and too often is just a passenger out there, and didn't even know the $1.9 million/$335K salary hit man was even on the field. Up top, Plata has clearly waned of late and had another poor home performance against this same opponent, Johnson is clearly not a CF (he misses Koevermans' presence big time) and Marosevic is a right-footed, brown haired Zavarise at best.

    Moving De Guzman and using the big salary cap hit/allotment money spent on him for a top notch CB is a must. This having to use Frings in the back is hamstringing his offensive contributions.