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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Toss it all on the rubbish heap"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"

Hi Stan,
I'm trying to organize an epic New Year's Eve party. What's your most memorable New Year? Looking for inspiration! Chris - Toronto, ON
Old Stan loves a good New Year's bash! Most memorable one though? Let's have a think. Well one year my old Watford team mates Sammy Chung - you remember him, funny little Half-Englishman / Half-Chineseman - told me to visit him in the proud British colony of Hong Kong. It's a long flight on that BOAC DC-7 from Heathrow with connections in Constantinople, Bombay and Ceylon. I'm not the most patient flyer (despite the trolley dollys) so I had my chemist stir me up a pre-flight powdered elixir which I had with a G&T somewhere over Persia. By time Old Stan landed in Hong Kong I was still floating on clouds. Jumped in a rickshaw outside the airport and ended up in downtown HK - saw a place all lit up called "The Crystal Palace". Never been in a place so smoky. It definitely wasn't Selhurst Park. Chinese bird gave be a drink... I woke up sometime in mid-February. Don't remember nowt else about it. Very memorable.
Dear Stan,
I've put on a few extra pounds over Christmas. As a former professional footballer, how would you recommend going about shedding the fat? Thanks. Ron - Grimsby, ON
First of all, take what all these so called "experts" and "doctors" say and toss it all on the rubbish heap. One - stop eating all those fruits and greens! Full of useless sugars and belly-busting roughage. Hair of the dog Ronald! Start the day with a Full English fry-up, a healthy portion of chips with a battered sausage at lunch, a cup of jellied eels if you're peckish at tea-time then a nice roast beef supper. After all that, get your callisthenics in with a run down to your local; down a few pints of bitter; have a light jog home. Then - get out your film camera and watch the newsreel of the disgraceful 1959 FA Cup Final where Forest robbed Luton Town of the trophy. That's enough to make the most ironclad stomach sick all over. You'll feel thin in no time chubbsy!
I have a wedding to attend in January and wonder if I should buy something from the couple's wedding registry or go for something more personal? Marg - Syracuse, NY
Why have I not heard of this? There is a central Couple's Wedding Registry? Orwell was right! Bloody communists - first firing a dog into the moon now they're tagging and tracking nuptials? Bastards! Well, since this wedding must be on the wrong side of the Berlin Wall I would recommend getting the unhappy couple a bucket and spade, a mining helmet, a pole vaulting set or a hot air balloon. Trick is hiding it all inside a cake. Bloody Stasi are nosey Parkers. If not - just get the groom earplugs. Even behind the Iron Curtain - a wife is still a wife. Cheers!
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

1 comment:

  1. LOVE Stan! If only we could get Stan's letters and Jurgan's diary together it would be magical fisticuffs ("bloody Germans") heaven.