The Yorkies' Regular Features

Starting 11       The Word       The Matchup       After 90       The South Stand Report

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "In the middle of your wedding mattress"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"

Dear Stan,
My husband and I are years away from retirement and with two young children, have a hard time saving money for retirement. What do you recommend? RRSP's? Love your advice, Tina - Markham, ON
The RRSP?! Whatever you do - do not put your hard-earned dosh there lass! Those carpetbaggers took a load of Old Stan's Stirling to invest in deepest Africa's "first men's beard and moustache clinic". Did it ever get built? No chance! The Royal Rhodesian Savings Partnership my foot! Wispy 'taches allover Zanzibar to this day! Do yourself a favour, when your husband lets you touch the money, put it all in mason jars or in the middle of your wedding mattress. However - do not hide it at your gent's place of business. You never know when he may be barred from returning. Somewhere buried under Walsall's Fellows Park is one of my old mattresses - full of mason jars. Still think the bloody Rhodesians were behind my sacking. Keep saving!
Hi Stan,
Big TFC fan and I love your column. Here's a little fun thing to do - please finish the following sentence: "I think a woman looks hottest in..." Dean - Burlington, ON
Old Stan loves a wee brain twister boy - Dean of whatever University you are Dean of. Alrighty then, here we go... "Stan thinks a woman looks hottest in..." "...the pantry after peeling the carrot and the potatoes have reached a boil with the steam going causing the temperature in the room to rise." You know Dean, pots bubbling, Yorkshire puddings baking, lovely lamb shank stirring in its juices, bit of a sticky toffee pudding for afters. Oh my, this questions has had quite an affect! Who's hot now? Why it's old Stan... for a lovely bit of mutton! Let's smell gas!
What are your thoughts on Eastern medicine? Terence - Toronto, ON
Interested in the mystical world of the East are you Terry? I don't blame you lad, it's quite a magical world that can soothe all kinds of malodourous ailments. I had a terrible turn with a new club once - faced a long spell off with injury. The regular docs had no answers for me so I travelled to the East and popped in and out of small shops and dens having a look for a cure. It was a world of interesting people with a language of their own and digestibles made from the oddest ingredients. Tell you what though - after a couple of months of jellied eels, sausage in batter, giant gherkins, pie & mash with parsley liquor and dark ales - Old Stan was right as night. Ah, that mysterious land. Luckily I was with Charlton at the time so London's East End was only a few stops away on the tube. Cheeky, mystical cockneys! Keep fit Terry!
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

No comments:

Post a Comment