THE MATCHUP: Takin' shots!

To get into the spirit of our corporate-controlled rivals from the Big Apple's apocalyptic suburb, we decided to drink a baker's dozen of Red Bull before starting this pre-match report...
　
DA' REDS VS. METROSTARZ
　
CNE MIDWAY - SATURDAY NIGHT 7PM ET TIL THE BREAKA' DAWN
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO... Suck it Pacific! Whoo Craig Forrest!
RADIO: THE FAN 590 - More rock! Less talk!
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Did you see that game on Wednesday against the CheeseStrings? Boom! I mean three goals and Frings with the bulldozer - righteous! (GUITAR RIFF!) I think things might be finally turning around for the TFCeez and we can like be on a winning streak and stuff - okay, okay, okay - like I know the New York Cosmos are pretty rad and shiz with that Thierry Mugler from Arsenal but if Da Koef can keep blastin' and ballin' we could totally give them the what's what right? Hold up for a sec...
　
Whooo! I just did 80 crunches.
　
Yeah so the football! Hey Nesta - did you hear? (X-TREME GUITAR RIFF!) Pouring out a half can for the departed Efrain Burgos Jr. - CheeseBurgos we hardly knew ya bro-stein - keep on keepin' on! Why do my legs feel like that? Saturday night - be there! I'm in 3D!
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El X-Tremeassico!"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Scoring guy, passing bro and saving dude
NEW YORK: Frenchman, guy with "x" in name, blonde
　
THE ODDS:
- Match being "a sweet buzz": 2-1
- Match being "totally rad": 5-1
- Match being EXTREME GUITAR RIFF!: 10-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
In an effort to be extreme, TFC is.... aww, I'm crashin' dude... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz Got the Jimmy-legs now, damn! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz So twitchy zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz drowsy jazz flute riff zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz huh? What? What day is it? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I just dreamt I was Jim Brennan's soul patch zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Need more Red Bull zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz AND I'M BACK IN THE ROOM! Get my boogie board! DOUBLE GUITAR RIFF!
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
　
And... since it's Friday, I'm whacked out on Taurine and Paul Mariner wears short shorts (!!!) on the sideline - feel free to join us in this chant at BMO Field to welcome our new manager and his dress sense. (To the tune of LMFAO's "Shots")

　
"Shorts! Shorts! Shorts-shorts-shorts!
Shorts! Shorts! Shorts-shorts-shorts!
Shorts! Shorts! Shorts-shorts-shorts!
Paul Mari-NER!"　

Sadly... Nick Soolsma got to the video first. Suarez Re-Mix!