THE MATCHUP: Toronto FC desperate for performance enhancement at Livestrong

"And second half action is about to get under way.."



SPORTING KC VS. TORONTO
　
LIVESTRONG SPORTING PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE ----RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
While we are definitely not implying that any member of Sporting KC is involved with any kind of doping - someone should really be looking into that Lance Armstrong endorsed stadium of theirs. We thought it was suspiciously nice for MLS... hmm.
　
One club that is eternally seeking performance enhancement however is TFC. With MLS playoffs a never-was and the CCL now in "miracle-only" territory, the hapless Reds officially start playing out the string. The only thing to play for now is pride in the badge and employment in 2013. Also, they should try to play some football so that Kei Kamara doesn't refer to them as an English League One club again... after all, that was such an insult to Yeovil Town.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Lancelot"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
SPORTING KC: Teal Bunbury, Kei Kamara, Jimmy Nielsen
TORONTO: Quincy Amarikwa, Eric Hassli, Darren O'Dea
　
THE ODDS:
- Don Garber to investigate reports of suddenly enlarged seating at Livestrong Park as well as rumours of shrunken footballs: 10-1
- Drain water from stadium sent to labs for urinalysis: 20-1
- Kansas City to be stripped of its MLS Cups and all Tour De France medals won under the name Wizards: 100-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
While banned substances may be the talk of Livestrong Park, one substance that is sweeping The Midwest is an invention of Sporting KC midfielder/ true American Jacob Peterson. The former Red's new power-drink "AmericaJuice" (TM) was developed by Peterson himself along with a group of creationists and the NRA. The drink provides a 24-Hour boost to your patriotism and helps ward off evil-doers while accomplishing missions! The hot-selling beverage is made from all-natural ingredients including Vitamin U, flag extracts, concentrated freedom, diesel gasoline, pure Iowa corn husks and Jacob's secret blend of spices and gunpowder. It's available in three exciting flavours: "Iced Tea Party", "Barbeque Sauce Throwdown" and the brand new "X-Treme F*ckberry"
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC DEFINITELY, 100%, ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT CLEAR OF PERFORMANCE ENHANCING ANYTHING"
　
And... since it's Friday and we could all do with watching a game where something fun happens for once... here's a preview of Kansas City hero (and surely no fan of steroids) Bo Jackson's excellent new video game...