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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “What’s wrong with Blackpool…?”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
Hello Stan,
What would you say is the key to a successful relationship/partnership?
Yours truly, Chris – Welland, ON
Firstly chap, why the use of "/" in your query? Hands too tired for the Queen’s "and or"? No wonder you’re bollocks with relationships you lazy sod! Secondly, be clear lad – are you referring to a relationship "and or" partnership with a fellow professional, and or a more horizontal relation? Chocks away – Old Stan will cover all of your lackadaisical bases Christopher...

In a workplace partner seek someone with a good head on their shoulders, a keen eye and a poacher’s left foot wide of goal – a real Bobby Hunt off of Colchester United. In the lady-range, grab a lass who can fill out a gown while being a dab hand with both the gas range and a typewriter. Either or, the top traits in a life-long partnership are loyalty, trust and let’s be honest… physical beauty. In the good times and the bad, you have to accept their shortcomings and have them accept yours. So Guv, when it comes down to it, the key to any successful relationship is my dear Alsatian – Douglas. Wonderful canine he is. Smells a wee bit of egg but you know what? Never missed an easy goal in the 1957 FA Cup 4th Round like a certain Bobby Hunt and or overcooked my cheese on toast. Edna.
Toronto FC had bad luck this year when a black cat ran in front of our goalie during a game. Did you believe in superstitions when you played?
Tim – Richmond Hill, ON
"Pish-posh" is what Stan says to superstitions. Bunch of old clap-trap for fishwives and the clergy. And, what is wrong with the Black Cats? I had a right good run-out with Sunderland in my day. Although, now you mention it, there was a bit of funny business at Roker Park. Scottish keeper Willie Fraser would always be first in line at the canteen on fish Fridays and was a very superstitious lad. If he dropped a grain of salt off his plate he’d use the rest of the shaker tossing it over his shoulders. By time I’d get to the front of the line there wouldn’t be a grain of the white stuff left for my chips and if there is one guarantee in life – unsalted chip on a Friday means no goals on a Saturday. That’s just science! One Friday Old Stan tried to get right near the front of the grub line only to end up with a grain of salt in the eyeball from one of the Scotsman’s tosses. I was out for fortnight then transferred away from Sunderland. Bit of bad luck that was. Made a point never to cross paths with the Black cats again… nor say Willie Fraser’s name three times in a mirror. So don’t be a silly boy Timothy – no such malarkey!
Hi Stan,
Love your article. My fiancé and I are planning our honeymoon and since you seem well travelled I thought I’d ask – would you go to France or Cuba if you had a choice?
Hope to hear from you, Victor – Mississauga, ON
No. That would be the answer. You’ve got one thing spot-on though matey, Stan has seen the world… from Skegness to Margate… I’ve been around and I will tell you right now, your choices couldn’t be worse for a honeymoon. Seriously man - France? What’s wrong with Blackpool like regular newlyweds? I took the ferry across to Boulogne once to get some cheap ‘baccy. Got on the first boat back to Dover. If you’d like your post-nuptials to resemble the evacuation of Dunkirk, be my guest but don’t come crying to me when your new ladywife spends the next four weeks getting the smell of soft cheese out of your waistcoat. And my word, Cuba? If your idea of a romantic getaway is Fascist Marxism, boxing and cigarillos… enjoy Vladimir. Three weeks on a steamer to Havana followed by a week of eating nowt but dry beans? Good luck getting your lady near your Tropic of Cancer after five days of bean trumps. You’ll be the one with a Cuban Missile Crisis boy-o. Just two words for you my socialist sympathiser: A caravan in Wales. Congrats!
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

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