“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “Sweet Jackie Charlton that is hot!”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Hi Stan,
It’s my dream to play professional soccer (hopefully with Toronto FC) but my school coach says I need to be stronger. I heard that high protein diets can help build mass – do you agree?
Jordan – Whitby, ON
　
Firstly young duck, your grammar is as dreary as your grasp on diet. Anyfronts, you’ll be runt of the litter if you don’t eat proper lad! Old Stan always followed the dietary guidelines of the 1949 Ministry of Edibles and Transport’s handbook "Eat This Britain". This timeless bit of prose outlines the 9 Essential Food Categories for your gob. Followed them since my first tooth and played for over 23 professional football clubs! In nautical order the categories are: Irish Steel-Cut Oats; Custard; Bread; Meat; Breaded Meat; Powdered Milk; Eel (Jellied or other); Ale/Stout; and Other. Only eating the meaty way will give you a Turk’s belly and the sweats something awful. Must say though – all this butcher chat has given me the pangs for some bacon rashers. Played with a Ronnie Bacon at Gillingham once. Terrible pass completion – I never got on the end of his service. Goes to show you – all Bacon makes for a poor career. He smelled like powdered milk as well.
　
Hey there Stan,
I’m coaching my daughter’s soccer team – how do I balance being her parent and being her coach?
Maurizio – Vaughan, ON

You sir have made my day! What a rollicking belly laugh you’ve given me. LadyFootball! I’ll put that one in the old steamer trunk of chuckles for a gloomy day alongside bollocks like "Soviet Collapse", "Channel Tunnels" and women in trousers. And your false name… how did you come up with that jumble of letters and sounds? You have a gift – like a young Peter Cook. As the young ruffians would say on their portable telephone machines: "LOL – a Letter of Laughter"! Cheers Marvin (wink)
　
Stan,
I’d love it if you could finish the following sentence: "A woman looks hottest when __________"
Thanks! Kristina – Toronto, ON
　
Bloomin’ heck Missus! You are a cheeky so-and-so! Well you sound like a bird who knows how to give her gent what he’s after so let’s not beat around the old bush then… we’re all adults here and we know what we’re on about. It’s not just a hot image in Stan’s mind’s eye… it’s piping hot! Steam rising to meet the heat, long lean legs, a sweet rounded rump, juices flowing… boiling to a crescendo and leaving your lady dripping from the temperature of that steamy room. Yes! Yes! Nothing like coming home to your lass putting the finishing touches on a roast lamb dinner in a clammy kitchen. Sweet Jackie Charlton that is hot! If she happens to be wearing a Royal Jubilee apron, all the better! Old Stan needs a smoke. Bit of mutton wouldn’t go a miss either. Don’t forget the other 8 food categories Kristina!
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue