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Monday, January 14, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Reasons why Ryan Nelsen chose to manage Toronto FC

"There can be only one Nelly"

It was a week ago when news broke that Ryan Nelsen would be joining Toronto FC as their eighth manager in a series of forty-two. Since last Tuesday's strange introductory press conference, opinion on the hire has been split between optimists and pessimists with the latter stressing Nelsen's lack of experience - and worse, his lack of availability. Suddenly Ryan Nelsen's due date has become the most anxiety-laden arrival for a New Zealander in Toronto since OMC announced their 1996 "How Bizarre World Tour". But what about the man himself? Why in fact would someone open himself up to this criticism and take such a chance on TFC - a place where managerial careers go to die? Why did he choose to come to "The Land Up Over"?
11. Appreciated the fact that MLSE allowed him to give last employer 17-weeks’ notice
10. Wanted to continue his career as far away as humanly possible from Australians
9. Was happy to hear that Ontario's Queen's Park was just as inept as the one in West London
8. Gradually moving geographically closer to Nelly the Rapper in preparation for their Highlander-esque final showdown
7. Missed Kevin Payne's world famous scalp massages
6. Toronto's multicultural population will give him the chance to reach out to the city's New Zealander community - Steve and Derek
5. Excited about TFC's casual managerial dress code
4. Finally a chance to develop a children's TV show co-hosted with Torsten Frings called "Kiwi German's Playhouse"
3. TFC felt very familiar to him: the money of QPR, the ownership intelligience of Blackburn Rovers and the lumbering white dudes of New Zealand's national team
2. After a long career he will get a chance to win the one prestigious trophy that has eluded him... The Trillium Cup
1. He's only 19 wins away from becoming the club's all-time winningest manager!
And now, please rise for the New Zealish national anthem...


  1. Congrats on the 250K hits - you guys deserve more! Thanks for the laughs and news from Mass.

  2. So I am reading along, scanning is more like it... and then it hits.....#4 Kiwi German's pun of 2013. You won't top it, you just won't.