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Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Red Hot Reds' Supporters' Romance Quiz

You always hurt me, but I can't quit you.

"BMO Field is for Lovers"… said no t-shirt ever. Despite that, today is the day to stop dreaming of trialists, injuries and potential signings and ponder upon that special person in your life. And no - we don't mean Terry Dunfield. Yes, it's Valentine's Day - the day to celebrate all things amour... because French stuff always goes swimmingly at TFC. Put your MLS aside for a day (and that includes Zarek Valentin) to concentrate on the lurve.
 
In the spirit of getting your raging heart on, we have brought back an updated "Red Hot Reds' Supporters' Romance Quiz". It is the most scientifically proven* (depending on your definition of science) Major League Soccer/Romance test since the infamous "Tampa Bay Mutiny Presents: Is Your Wife Cheating on You?" quiz of 1997. So before you sit your lady/partner/random acquaintance down to an evening of microwaved tin pasta and a 90 minute snuggle in front of your 1991 FA Cup Semi-Final DVD... answer these February 14 questions to see just how red hot a Red you are.
 
HOW TO SCORE: 1 Point for every A; 2 Points for every B; 3 points for every C; and 4 points for every D
 
1. If you were buying your partner a sexy item of clothing, what would it be?
A) Adidas coach's shorts B) A pair of sexy boots C) Some red undergarments D) A red & grey bar scarf
 
2. How long do you wait before trying to bed a new partner?
A) After 4 or 5 friendly dates B) Try to seduce them on the 2nd date C) Nothing like a one-night stand! D) I have a 5 Year Plan
 
3. How do you first get to know a partner?
A) Exchange some pleasant e-mails B) Meet up for a coffee C) A few flirty texts D) Get Reggie Lambe to send them confusing Tweets in Bermudian patois
 
4. Who most inspires you to be romantic?
A) Poets B) Painters C) Musicians D) Joe Cannon
 
5. If you were making a romantic meal, what would be your specialty?
A) A warm soup B) A pasta dish C) Red Velvet Cake D) Chip Butty
 
6. If you were to put some drinks on ice for the evening, what would you serve?
A) Some sparkling mineral water B) Champagne C) An expensive red wine D) $11 Dollar pint of Carlsberg in a plastic cup
 
7. What term do you use for "love-making"?
A) "A friendly" B) "Getting lucky" C) "Scoring" D) "Drilling one into the box"
 
8. How would you best describe your technique in bed?
A) "Sweet and tender" B) "Confident and assured" C) "Erotic and adventurous" D) "Like a series of Richard Eckersley tackles from behind"
 
9. If you could get your significant other to "dress up" for you, what costume would you choose?
A) French maid B) Hot cop C) The "Scotts' Turf Girl" D) Stefan Frei
 
10. What is your favourite position?
A) Classic missionary B) Spooning C) Something from the Kama Sutra D) Defensive Midfielder
 
11. What taboo experience do you most crave?
A) A night in a Columbus, Ohio hotel B) A very public adventure C) Hooking up with a complete stranger D) The Playoffs
 
12. What name would you like to be called in bed?
A) "Sweetheart" B) "Stud" C) "The best lover in the modern era" D) "Joe Bendik"
 
13. If you could choose a fantasy name for yourself - what would it be?
A) Mr. Right B) Fabio C) Justin Brawn D) Commissioner Dong Grabber
 
14. What do you find most physically attractive on your partner?
A) Their smile B) Their hair C) Their eyes D) Their South End
 
HOW DID YOU DO?
If you scored:
 
14-20 points - you are a TRIALIST: You've got a long way to go before you're ready for the big-time. Time to put down FIFA 13 and meet a real girl - watching the Canadian Women's team at the Olympics doesn't count as a date.
 
21-34 points - you are in the ACADEMY: You've got some potential but there are lots like you out there. Work on your romance or end up in a USL-type relationship... or alone with your own Rochester Raging Rhino.
 
35-48 points - you are on the FIRST TEAM: You are definitely a Major Leaguer in the old football shorts department. However, there is still room for improvement so don't get too cocky or you'll end up like Julian de Guzman - a chance to do a Toronto nice but instead finding yourself spending your days playing Scrabble with a down-and-out German.
 
49 points and higher - you are a DP: No not that kind of DP (you commendable perv) - the MLS kind! You are on top of your game and could have the pick of the litter at BMO Field. You've got the physique of a Dichio, the charm of a Ricketts, the accent of Laurent Robert and the animal magnetism of a Raivis Hscanovics. Reds' lovin' ladies would love some of your support! "Up The Reds!"

2 comments:

  1. Alas, the love of yesteryear. Now the pinnacle of footmatic libation is likely a $13 pint of Bud.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love is dead. And flat. And kind of skunky.

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