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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

THE MATCHUP... and bonus... AFTER 90: Predicting Earthquakes

Good work Richter... not you Ryan.

SAN JOSE VS. TORONTO
 
BUCK SHAW STADIUM - WEDNESDAY 10:30PM
TV: THE SCORE
 
THE KICKABOUT:
The enthusiasm surrounding "new-look" TFC that some felt earlier this season is at a bit of a low-ebb at the moment. After what feels like 14 straight matches lost in the final 5 minutes, Reds supporters are understandably a wee bit exhausted. Honestly, there won't be too many brave souls willing to stay up on a weeknight until 12:13 when TFC allow a boneheaded goal in at the 88th minute.
 
Now we know there are some diehards (seek medical help) who will suffer a red-eyed Thursday morning commute in order to stay up late tonight. We will watch, we know you reading this will watch... and that guy there who just clicked on this site too - he's watching. Whassup Frank? But, for those of you who just won't be arsed to stay up and want to leave nightmares for your sleep we will aim to predict the future after this truncated match preview with a ready-made wrap-up of tonight's match... from THE FUTURE!
 
MANUFCATURED DERBY NAME:
"The Late Aftershock"
 
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
SAN JOSE: Chris Wondolowski
TORONTO: Matias Laba
 
THE ODDS:
- The noise of palms slapping foreheads in the Toronto-area at approximately 12:13AM registering on the Richter Scale: 2-1
 
WHO ARE YA?
Depending on construction and the 2014 MLS schedule this may be the last time TFC graces the hallowed pitch of "The Roadside Chapel of Football" - Buck Shaw Stadium. So excited are Bay Area football fans to move out of a high school stadium that more than 6,000 showed up to the ground-breaking ceremony for the new Quakes' ground. Promoters hope to eclipse this number for the official Buck Shaw demolition event where stars of the 1990 hit film "Tremors" Fred Ward, Michael Gross and Reba McEntire will flip the switch on a giant robotic earthworm that will swallow the sheet-metal that makes up Buck Shaw's ironically earthquake-prone architecture.
 
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "(LATE MATCH) DISASTER!"
 
And now... so you can get your doctor recommended minimum 7 hours sleep...

AFTER 90: Predicted Earthquake
Good work Sexy Ghost... not you ghost liver.

WARNING: Look into the future not for gambling purposes. If you see this vision of the future in public do not try to change it or Biff Tannen will inevitably control the Toronto Casino.
 
FIRST HALF:
5' - Joe Bendik looking good as Quakes come out strong
10' - Ty Harden header forces save
15' - Possible sighting of George Best's sexy ghost in North Stand
22' - Robert Earnshaw goal called back due to offside
30' - Dan Gargan almost puts SJE ahead with ball off his ass
35' - Robert Earnshaw hits post
40' - Sam Cronin free kick forces Bendik save
 
HALFTIME: SAN JOSE 0 - TORONTO 0
 
50' - SUB: Reggie Lambe off for Jonathan Osorio
60'- Ty Harden almost scores own goal when Dan Gargan cross hits back of his head
63' - Robert Earnshaw beats trap, shot flies over the bar
74' - Ghostly apparition of bottle of rum reported floating around female fans
78' - Sam Cronin looking dangerous
82' - Jeremy Hall does something
88' - GOAL: San Jose - Ty Harden passes to Dan Gargan who backheels to Sam Cronin; Logan Emory looks like he has seen a (sexy) ghost and dives to the ground accidentally tripping Cronin in the box. Chris Wondolowski taps in the loose ball.
SAN JOSE 1 - TORONTO 0
90' +: SUB: Nobody is still watching. Probably Hogan Ephraim.
 
FULL TIME: SAN JOSE 1 - TORONTO 0
 

If the future happens to divert from this set path (screw you Sarah Connor) then we will add the (unlikely) different outcome below at some point in that strange alternate dystopian future. Come with us if you want to live....

THE ALTERNATE ACTUAL FUTURE:

SAN JOSE 2 - TORONTO 1
What did this prove? The future has many paths. Most of them still lead to TFC losses though. Oh and also that Justin Braun is a cyborg sent from the future to destroy us all. You have been warned. Nighty-night sadists.


7 comments:

  1. What a disappointment. That future tap in would only be missed by terrible psychics and Andrea Lombardo (too soon?).

    I really liked Laba's play. He looked good with that thing he does often. Makes whoever's marking him look weak.

    Shame about the ex-TFC player having such a great game. Wish he was still here and not summarily drummed out for no apparent or justifiable reason.

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    Replies
    1. I disagree with the Reggie Lambe substitution. I was sure that it was a 1/6 game later tonight.

      Thanks for letting me go to bed Yorkies.

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  2. Assholes. Try being real supporters

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    Replies
    1. GO LEAFS GO! GO LEAFS GO! GO LEAFS GO! (like that?)

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    2. Oh.... Yorkies are taking it from all sides...!

      Sorry couldn't resist.

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  3. Hey Anon. Try writing whimsical observations, keep track of the comings and goings for years and years without being a supporter. The Yorkies are my go to blog. I write mine and then read theirs. I am proud to call them fellow TFC bloggers. If misery loves company, then company that makes you smile has to be the best sort of company... and the misery will one day make the victory that much sweeter.
    And Anon if your snappy comeback for me involves an orifice, try left ear - my tinnitus is acting up. That is if an ear counts as an orifice...doctor in the house?

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    Replies
    1. Your eloquence and shared gallows humour is always welcome here.

      And to anyone who has not read Mistake By The Lake yet - why are you reading comments instead?

      The man has been writing on this nonsensical club since 2007 - go support him.

      And to our friend Anonymous 5:21 - if spending all our free time doing this doesn't make us "real" - we don't wanna be. We will happily refund your membership to our high priced site.

      MGMT

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