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Sunday, August 4, 2013

AFTER 90: Reds uprising

Kick-offs at Revs' matches are a bit over the top

GILLETTE STADIUM "The Blurst a Man Can Get"

KICK OFF - Revolution. History is littered with motley bands of men unwittingly and inexplicably grouped together to battle the common foe. They may have little in common, they may not necessarily be the most equipped for the job... they may be waiting anxiously for reinforcements after months of promises... but, they attempt to overcome together. Rarely victorious, often slaughtered... Toronto FC everyone...
2' - GOAL: Toronto FC - Matias Laba opens his TFC account by darting through the Revs defence and putting away his own saved rebound. Heady stuff.
5' - This is one of the fastest quashings of a Revolution since the failed rebellion by Kim Heon-chang against Silla. Cool!
10' - Diego Fagundez with a clear shot on Joe Bendik. The TFC keeper yelling at his defence in a manner not unlike Umar ibn Hafsun when leading revolutionary anti-Umayyad dynasty forces in southern Spain in 884 AD. Yup.
14' - Ashtone Morgan negates a goal-bound shot off the TFC goal line like Mamluks killing the last sultan of the Ayyubid dynasty, and establishing the Bahri dynasty. Am I right peeps?
17' - Joe Bendik with a massive save on a Lee Nguyen shot that goes as well as the 1515 Slovenian Peasant Revolt. #PeasantFail
30' - Young Turks Ashtone Morgan and Doneil Henry having solid match so far much like the er... Young Turks... forcing the autocratic ruler Abdul Hamid II to restore parliament and constitution in the Ottoman Empire during The Young Turk Revolution. Samesies!
34' - Madness! Richard Eckersley clears a Diego Fagundez shot off the line! Again with Kim Heon-chang stuff. Denied... Silla stylee!
42' - New England pouring on the heavy pressure much like the workers during the 1919 Hungarian Revolution resulting in the short-lived Hungarian Soviet Republic. Short-lived... no worries.


47' - New England have come out fired up for this half not unlike the Celtic Gauls revolt led by Vercingetorix in 51 BC. Wicked Irish!
53' - Matias Laba all over New England tonight in a way reminiscent of the Chinese Domination over Vietnam during the Ly Nam De Uprising of the 4th Century. He must lift bro!
60'' - Richard Eckersley very solid in defence tonight. Comparisons to the bastions of the Mughals against The Pasthun rebellion are obvious. Let's talk about Ecks, baby!
68' - SUB: Justin Braun in for Andrew Wiedeman
69' - TFC supporters react to the introduction of Braun in the same manner as when Creole and German settlers objected to the turnover of the Louisiana Territory from New France to New Spain during The Rebellion of 1768. Come at me Braun!
78' - New England doing everything to dispose of TFC's one-goal lead like Argentine rebels did against The Viceroy of the Río de la Plata Baltasar Hidalgo de Cisneros during the May Revolution. Urruti!
80' - SUB: Jeremy Hall in for Jeremy Brockie
85' - The Reds desperately hanging on to power. Honestly it's all gone Serbs v Ottomans (1804-1817) out there. Squeaky foot cushion time!
90'+ - SUB: Darel Russell in for Bobby Convey
90'+ - Look I'm putting it out there, Joe Bendik has been as dominant in goal as The Sicilian Vespers were during an uprising against the rule of the French/Angevin king Charles I resulting in thousands of dead French occupiers and a shift in European power. Dill With It.


PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 7.5 / Richard Eckersley 7 / Steven Caldwell 6.5 / Doneil Henry 6/ Ashtone Morgan 6.5 / Reggie Lambe 5 / Matias Laba 7.5 / Jonathan Osorio 6.5 / Bobby Convey 6 (Darel Russel N/A) / Andrew Wiedeman 6 (Justin Braun 5) / Jeremy Brockie 5.5 (Jeremy Hall N/A)

Matias Laba
Very close runner-up to Joe "Super Pickle" Bendik

While we are not remotely close to declaring any kind of seismic shift in TFC society, say for instance like after The First Prussian Uprising against the Teutonic Knights, The Reds have shown heart in two consecutive matches. In TFC-land, that is at the very least... something.

There are still massive holes to fill, most glaringly two consistent forwards and a creative attacking midfielder, but the effort is good. The superior skill of Matias Laba needs some support and Joe Bendik won't make a gazillion saves every match but we presume the many promises of reinforcements should occur soon. If not, TFC supporters are going full First Samaritan Revolt.

Sadly, in their "wisdom", TFC's sudden ascendancy will be stunted by the injury-inviting money-friendly versus AS Roma. But what do we know, we are just the silent minority. Like all the other silent minors not going. Careful Kevin, that's what they called the various Illyrian tribes just before The Great Illyrian Revolt against the Roman Empire. Layers.

And... since we accurately document revolutions in a scholastic manner but still want a boogie tonight... our favourite Revolution anthem...

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