The Yorkies' Regular Features

Starting 11       The Word       The Matchup       After 90       The South Stand Report

Monday, August 19, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Ways that being a celebrity has changed Bitchy the Hawk

"Don't you know who I am?"

Toronto FC does a lot of dumbass things in the name of faux promotion and manufactured tradition. Few however seem as forced and bludgeoned (despite being met with deafening apathy) as the pre-match introduction of Bitchy the Hawk. Like promoting Toronto FC as a "Bargain Harold's Benfica" fans are expected to go all goosepimply as a middle-aged dude in khakis escorts the bird halfway to midfield. Just stop it. However, all the attention has led to Bitchy becoming something of a local celebrity but if you think fame couldn't change her, you were wrong...

11. Suddenly making a lot of noise in the press about chasing seagulls in Los Angeles or New York
10. Forcing MLSE to carry new reality show "Rock Out With Your Hawk Out" on GOL TV
9. Won't get out of bed for less than 10,000 pieces of raw chicken liver a day
8. She has made the dude who walks her to midfield "her bride"
7. Her pen on the roof of BMO Field to be replaced by an orange Lamborghini
6. If Jim Brennan gets her morning coffee order wrong she pecks the sh*t out of his silly facial hair
5. Regularly chooses the TFC starting XI
4. Constantly getting out of cars commando with talons akimbo
3. Justin Braun pre-chews her food and gently drops it into her beak
2. Left her husband of 9 years, Brian the Hawk, after very public fling with musician John Mayer
1. Totally got that "alleged" video of her smoking crack on top of a building in Etobicoke destroyed

And... because when we think of fame we think of three things: Bitchy the Hawk, David Bowie and Soul Train. Obviously.

No comments:

Post a Comment