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Saturday, August 17, 2013

AFTER 90: Claws out for the lads! - Special Guest Post by Crew Cat

 "What do you mean I have 'Crazy Eyes'? Maybe you're on drugs!"


From time to time we realize that you, our devoted readership (whassup you two, how's the family?), get a little tired of our hard-hitting style of investigative journalism. So, a couple of times a season we invite a guest columnist to sit-in for TFC match coverage.

Since tonight is the universally awaited finale to the 2013 Trillium Cup, we aimed high to bring you an analyst with in-depth knowledge of this infamous rivalry and one who has seen its drama up close like few others. Ladies and gentleman, the Intercontinental Soccer-Football Mascot Symposium 2006 "Mascot of the Year" (Third runner-up), USA Mascot This Week's "Mascot Most Likely to Give You a Rash" 1999, 2001-2005, 2007, and 2009-2012, and successful defendant of three separate civil lawsuits... from his private (litter) box at Crew Stadium, tonight's reporter "Crew Cat"!!!

KICK OFF - "Yo how's it hanging Toronto. You ready for my jelly? You mangiacats still in "re-building" mode? Yeah thought so. Let's get this sh*t on the road - I gots two Siamese waiting for me at my motel."
1' - "We're Trillium Cup Champions!"... said no one ever without irony. Seriously, there's like five of them laying around here... Chad Marshall puts my kibble in one. I use the 2008 one as a bong."
8' - "Your Scottish captain Caldwell tried to get his head on a corner. About as useful as a Scottish Fold in a whorehouse." (Cat Trivia: Scottish Folds have terrible libidos. Trust me.)
15' - "I went to Toronto once, it's no Columbus but I had a crazy night at the Toronto Humane Society. Cages full of honies - and they go full fur in Canada. Props."
19' - GOAL: Meeeee-ooooowww! Columbus: "Federico Higuain makes Fancy Feast out of Doneil Henry. Totally gonna lick my bits now."
21' - "Sorry the Toronto FC but your defence is exactly like a dog... useless on so many levels."
23' - "You know who's a Class-A douchebag? Timber Joey. Pervert."
30' - "TFC chasing the ball like me vs. rolled up tin foil."
34' - "Dominic Oduro hit that ball into Joe Bendik like Jerry hitting Tom with an anvil. God speed Tom" #Never Forget
36' - YELLOW CARD: Richard Eckersley... "Seriously did Garfield eat too much lasagna then die then put on a TFC shirt? That is one orange dude."
41' - Sorry dudes, hairball.
44' - "So why did you guys get rid of Paul Mariner? Partied with that wildman a few times after matches. Couldn't understand a word he said. Swear he gave me ringworm."
45' - "Halftime. Going for a um... nap. Don't come looking for me."


"Yeah, give Daddy his sweet Colombian nose kibble"
45' - "WHOOOOO!!! That was some high grade Colombian 'catnip'! Let's do this and then let's go down and spray this town yellow!"

47' - "Here's one for you hosers: What do I, Crew Cat, and Toronto FC's strikers have in common? We've both been neutered by Chad Marshall! OH SNAP! Just jokin' with you guys. It's good to joke. Except about Feline AIDS - that sh*t ain't funny."
53' - "Oduro chance stopped by your pickle guy, Bendik. I once mistook Oduro's hair for a calico. He wasn't happy."
55'- SUB: Reggie Lambe on for Alvaro Rey... "...sorry? What? I was licking some bits."
60' - "Sorry ladies... fell asleep there for a while. You guys still losing? Of course."
66' - SUB: Maximiliano Urruti on for Robert Earnshaw... "This is your Messiah? This skinny kid? What happened to his head? Looks like a black cat died up there. Racialist."
68' - GOAL: Meeeeee-ooooowww! Columbus: So you guys wanted to see an Argentine score amazing goals? You're welcome to drop by anytime. HI-GUA-IN"
73' - "Yeah - I got mange. What are you gonna do about it?"
78' - SUB: Jeremy Hall on for Matias Laba "...huh"
80' - "You wanna know what's wrong with the Toronto FC? You dumped Nick Soolsma. That blonde bitch loved himself a cat. Him, his cat Suarez and me used to get medieval after a match. I remember little. Yeah, Nicky got the rabies but that's rock n' roll."
83' - "You dudes know the Dallas mascot Tex Hooper? Meth.
88' - I miss the Crewzer Dance Pack. Those ladies knew how to scratch a bro. That blonde one and that hairy one. What were their names? Itchy & Scratchy I called 'em. Whatevs. And about the pregnancy... CC was neutered back in '05. Nice try gold-diggas!"
90'+ - Let's party. Smoke 'em if you got em' Canadia.

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik: Teh LOLZ / Richard Eckersley: Distemper / Steven Caldwell: Scottish Fold / Doneil Henry: Mange / Ashtone Morgan: Dander / Alvaro Rey: Coronavirus (Reggie Lambe: Feline Herpesvirus 1 ) / Matias Laba: Ringworm (Jeremy Hall: Iris cysts) / Jonathan Osorio: Mange / Bobby Convey: Mange / Jeremy Brockie: Liver fistula / Robert Earnshaw: Cataplexy (Maximiliano Urruti: Roadkill)
"Joe Bendik for teh LOLZ"  
"Look hosers, we're never gonna be cuddle buddies. I might spray you out of pity but that's about it. That being said, how you crazy f*ckers still follow his team is something. If my owner saw me in that much pain he best be getting me euthanized.
Don't sweat it though Toronto, if Crew Cat knows anything about science, you only have two more lives to go and the thing dies once and for all. So lay back, lick your undercarriage and it will all be over in 2015.
Gotta jet, I'm gonna go drop a deuce in the 2013 Trillium Cup. Meow suckers."

The views expressed by Crew Cat were Crew Cat's alone and not necessarily those of The Yorkies or Columbus Crew. Well we're guessing about the Crew and we actually think he made some decent arguments.

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