THE MATCHUP: It's a Crew, Crew Summer

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft"

FACTS* AND STATS**
COLUMBUS CREW
- Crew Stadium is the USA's first soccer-specific stadium and winner of the "Most Flammable Scoreboard Award" 2010 - 2013.
- A group of leading American opticians have come out against a proposed friendly tournament between Columbus, Norwich City and Villarreal calling it a "reckless assault on eyesight".
- 1/3 of photo-realistic construction workers featured on terrible football badges are known carriers of The Clap. Don't be a victim.
- 14th overall SuperDraft pick and Columbus defender Ben Sweat has been loaned to Dayton Dutch Lions putting the brakes on his burgeoning R&B/Soul career.
- 10: Average number of patronizing pats on the head Crew's Federico Higuain gets from his brother Gonzalo at family gatherings.
- Crew Stadium security have been battling internal fighting amongst two factions of Crew supporters who can't agree whether their kits are "canary" or "banana".
- 12.77: Dollar amount raised by Columbus Crew mascot "Crew Cat’s" charity single "Lickin' My Bits for You". 10% of proceeds go towards the fight against Feline AIDS.

TORONTO FC
- Having already captured the 2014 Trillium Cup, Toronto FC will receive their bounty from Crew this weekend: 450,000 trillium bulbs. Lucrative. Floral.
- 6.5: Height in inches of Warren Creavalle's cameo. Word up.
- There is a 93% chance of finding Dominic Oduro in a Columbus-area "Papa John's" pizza restaurant this weekend.
- 20: The over-under amount on Jermain Defoe "groin injury" gags we use this weekend.
- Toronto-area bro's have a 1 in 5 chance of getting tasered in Central Ohio.
- The Reds are said to be doing well and resting comfortably after a near-miss with an overpriced Colin Kazim-Richards transfer. Disaster averted.
- 9/10: Number of times that TFC defenders urgently look for Michael Bradley when the ball ends up at their feet.

　
*Maybe
** Possibly

AFTER 90: TFC 2 Live-ly 4 Crew

"We lost to TFC?! Gimme some Colombian 'nose kibble'!"

 

COLUMBUS CREW - 0

TORONTO FC - 2
Michael Bradley - 11'
Issey Nakajima-Farran - 86'

　

WHAT WE EXPECTED: A really ugly affair with TFC forced to field a line-up of subs, kids and also-rans with a Columbus Steamroller (not a sex act - we presume) as the result.
WHAT WE GOT: Possibly the grittiest, hardest-working and unexpected TFC result in a long time. An inexperienced yet surprisingly composed back four and a midfield that stymied Columbus, holding them to wide crosses and long-distance attempts. Colour us impressed. And shocked.

THE GOOD:
- Dwayne De Rosario making himself a nuisance in the opening minutes (Now see BAD)
- Michael Bradley lifting teammates with half his skill to their best
- A defensive line that scrapped and fought but didn't lose their heads
- More than a few players claiming a stake for a starter's role

THE BAD:
- Watching Dwayne De Rosario's rapid aging manifest itself in physical shortcomings that take away from his skill set
- Another 2nd Half started on the back foot
- The massive drop-off in depth (Wiedeman and Hall) when injuries mount
- That 60th through 75th minute period. Squeaky. Bums.

THE MALARKEY:
- Down 1-0 at the half, Columbus to their credit resisted the temptation to start one of their famous scoreboard fires and postpone the match
- Sadly Crew supporters were not in the midst of their inventive and unique "USA! USA!" chant when Ultra-American General Michael Bradley stabbed them in the back. The irony would have been... so choice.
- Jackson and Crew Cat both leave Crew Stadium with the same ailment: distemper
- Aggravated with another match where he didn't see the pitch, the construction worker on the left side of Crew's badge has demanded a transfer

PLAYER RATINGS:
Julio Cesar 7 / Mark Bloom 6.5 / Bradley Orr 7 / Nick Hagglund 6.5 / Justin Morrow 7 / Jackson 6.5 / Michael Bradley 7.5 (SUB: '70 Jeremy Hall 5.5) / Kyle Bekker 6 / Alvaro Rey 6 (SUB: 78' Andrew Wiedeman 5) / Dwayne De Rosario 5 (SUB: 69' Issey Nakajima-Farran 7)/  Gilberto 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Bradley Orr

And... Since it was 2-0 Live vs Crew.. and... Since "We're like Crew Cat in heat, a team that is storming; We have an appetite for wins - 'Cause we've got Bradley..."

THE MATCHUP: "Hey You, The Not Red-dy for The Crew"

Yeah. No drugs there.



COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO

CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 6PM ET

TV: SPORTNET 360

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?

- Well apparently Columbus are our heated rivals. Apparently.

- Can TFC manage to look much different than TFC 2012 without the likes of Jermain Defoe, Steven Caldwell, Jonathan Osorio and (PENDING) out of the line-up?

- Is Ryan Nelsen able to juggle a starting eleven and change his tried and tested tactics to paper over the big challenges The Reds have this week?

- Which club will win the annual prize of the world’s supply of trillium seeds?

- Is DP Gilberto capable of spearheading an attack alone?

- Will Crew Cat be in one of his pussy stupors?

- Who the hell will start in the back four?!

- What noise does it make when tourists jump off a bandwagon?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The New Soft"

THE DUEL:

Steve Clark vs. Julio Cesar and/or

Crew Cat vs. His Demons

WHO ARE YA?

Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford may be an international laughing stock but has a surprising supporter in the form of Columbus celebrity - Crew Cat. The notorious MLS mascot bad boy has had more than his fair share of very public run-ins with the law and shared his kinship with the Toronto "mayor" with Ohio press this week.

"Look, them left-wing dog-owning commies up there in Toronto don't realize how lucky they is. Rob Ford is the single greatest civic leader since my former owner Marion Barry. Like me, Crew Cat, Robbie loves pullin' on that sweet glass kibble, has more than enough Crewzer Dancers to eat at home, loves pissing in public and has a whole litter of totally awesome party siblings..." (Crew Cat then paused for 20 minutes to tongue-bathe his genitals and make a call to someone named "Itchy Dave" about "his order")... "Also" Crew Cat continued "I have equally little patience for Nelson Mandela and Paralympians. Overrated. I'm Crew Cat and I approve this message."

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS:

 

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
April 5, 2008: Mo Johnston was informed by MLS Head Office that it was literally impossible to accept his trade offer for the three construction workers on Columbus Crew's badge despite his overly generous offer.

 

And... Since they already have sweet yellow shirts on...



AFTER 90: Claws out for the lads! - Special Guest Post by Crew Cat

 "What do you mean I have 'Crazy Eyes'? Maybe you're on drugs!"

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
CREW STADIUM

From time to time we realize that you, our devoted readership (whassup you two, how's the family?), get a little tired of our hard-hitting style of investigative journalism. So, a couple of times a season we invite a guest columnist to sit-in for TFC match coverage.

Since tonight is the universally awaited finale to the 2013 Trillium Cup, we aimed high to bring you an analyst with in-depth knowledge of this infamous rivalry and one who has seen its drama up close like few others. Ladies and gentleman, the Intercontinental Soccer-Football Mascot Symposium 2006 "Mascot of the Year" (Third runner-up), USA Mascot This Week's "Mascot Most Likely to Give You a Rash" 1999, 2001-2005, 2007, and 2009-2012, and successful defendant of three separate civil lawsuits... from his private (litter) box at Crew Stadium, tonight's reporter "Crew Cat"!!!

FIRST HALF:
KICK OFF - "Yo how's it hanging Toronto. You ready for my jelly? You mangiacats still in "re-building" mode? Yeah thought so. Let's get this sh*t on the road - I gots two Siamese waiting for me at my motel."
1' - "We're Trillium Cup Champions!"... said no one ever without irony. Seriously, there's like five of them laying around here... Chad Marshall puts my kibble in one. I use the 2008 one as a bong."
8' - "Your Scottish captain Caldwell tried to get his head on a corner. About as useful as a Scottish Fold in a whorehouse." (Cat Trivia: Scottish Folds have terrible libidos. Trust me.)
15' - "I went to Toronto once, it's no Columbus but I had a crazy night at the Toronto Humane Society. Cages full of honies - and they go full fur in Canada. Props."
19' - GOAL: Meeeee-ooooowww! Columbus: "Federico Higuain makes Fancy Feast out of Doneil Henry. Totally gonna lick my bits now."
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0
21' - "Sorry the Toronto FC but your defence is exactly like a dog... useless on so many levels."
23' - "You know who's a Class-A douchebag? Timber Joey. Pervert."
30' - "TFC chasing the ball like me vs. rolled up tin foil."
34' - "Dominic Oduro hit that ball into Joe Bendik like Jerry hitting Tom with an anvil. God speed Tom" #Never Forget
36' - YELLOW CARD: Richard Eckersley... "Seriously did Garfield eat too much lasagna then die then put on a TFC shirt? That is one orange dude."
40' - GRRP. GRRP. GRRP. GRRP. GRRP. YEEACHHHHHKK!!!
41' - Sorry dudes, hairball.
44' - "So why did you guys get rid of Paul Mariner? Partied with that wildman a few times after matches. Couldn't understand a word he said. Swear he gave me ringworm."
45' - "Halftime. Going for a um... nap. Don't come looking for me."

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

"Yeah, give Daddy his sweet Colombian nose kibble"

 

SECOND HALF:
45' - "WHOOOOO!!! That was some high grade Colombian 'catnip'! Let's do this and then let's go down and spray this town yellow!"
47' - "Here's one for you hosers: What do I, Crew Cat, and Toronto FC's strikers have in common? We've both been neutered by Chad Marshall! OH SNAP! Just jokin' with you guys. It's good to joke. Except about Feline AIDS - that sh*t ain't funny."
53' - "Oduro chance stopped by your pickle guy, Bendik. I once mistook Oduro's hair for a calico. He wasn't happy."
55'- SUB: Reggie Lambe on for Alvaro Rey... "...sorry? What? I was licking some bits."
60' - "Sorry ladies... fell asleep there for a while. You guys still losing? Of course."
66' - SUB: Maximiliano Urruti on for Robert Earnshaw... "This is your Messiah? This skinny kid? What happened to his head? Looks like a black cat died up there. Racialist."
68' - GOAL: Meeeeee-ooooowww! Columbus: So you guys wanted to see an Argentine score amazing goals? You're welcome to drop by anytime. HI-GUA-IN"
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0
73' - "Yeah - I got mange. What are you gonna do about it?"
78' - SUB: Jeremy Hall on for Matias Laba "...huh"
80' - "You wanna know what's wrong with the Toronto FC? You dumped Nick Soolsma. That blonde bitch loved himself a cat. Him, his cat Suarez and me used to get medieval after a match. I remember little. Yeah, Nicky got the rabies but that's rock n' roll."
83' - "You dudes know the Dallas mascot Tex Hooper? Meth.
88' - I miss the Crewzer Dance Pack. Those ladies knew how to scratch a bro. That blonde one and that hairy one. What were their names? Itchy & Scratchy I called 'em. Whatevs. And about the pregnancy... CC was neutered back in '05. Nice try gold-diggas!"
90'+ - Let's party. Smoke 'em if you got em' Canadia.

FULL TIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0

  

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik: Teh LOLZ / Richard Eckersley: Distemper / Steven Caldwell: Scottish Fold / Doneil Henry: Mange / Ashtone Morgan: Dander / Alvaro Rey: Coronavirus (Reggie Lambe: Feline Herpesvirus 1 ) / Matias Laba: Ringworm (Jeremy Hall: Iris cysts) / Jonathan Osorio: Mange / Bobby Convey: Mange / Jeremy Brockie: Liver fistula / Robert Earnshaw: Cataplexy (Maximiliano Urruti: Roadkill)

 

CREW CAT'S TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
"Joe Bendik for teh LOLZ"  

 

THE (CAT) BATH:
"Look hosers, we're never gonna be cuddle buddies. I might spray you out of pity but that's about it. That being said, how you crazy f*ckers still follow his team is something. If my owner saw me in that much pain he best be getting me euthanized.

 

Don't sweat it though Toronto, if Crew Cat knows anything about science, you only have two more lives to go and the thing dies once and for all. So lay back, lick your undercarriage and it will all be over in 2015.

 

Gotta jet, I'm gonna go drop a deuce in the 2013 Trillium Cup. Meow suckers."

 

The views expressed by Crew Cat were Crew Cat's alone and not necessarily those of The Yorkies or Columbus Crew. Well we're guessing about the Crew and we actually think he made some decent arguments.