THE MATCHUP: Chopped

Tricky.

 

PORTLAND VS. TORONTO

　

JELD-WEN FIELD - SATURDAY 11PM ET

TV: TSN

THE KICKABOUT:

If MLS produced an Off-Off-Off Broadway production of "A Tale of Two Cities" it would star Portland and Toronto. You really can't find two markets in this league pulling in different directions.

The Hipster-infused Portland has a private owner who has a personal connection to his club and a drive to win. While not doing everything perfectly, Timbers have built a competitive club with a sensible MLS squad while turning their stadium into the envy of North American supporter experiences. Jeld-Wen Field is truly "their house"

Up here... notsomuch. Toronto FC and BMO Field (home of the former "Bestest Fans in the History of All-Timez Soccerz"(TM)) is a shadow of one-time unlimited promise. Heading into their 9th consecutive 5-Year Plan, now under the Imperial Leader Tim Leiweke, TFC has decided that the best way to fix the biggest farce in MLS is to shoehorn a gridiron team, likely avec Field Turf and the unscrubbable CFL markings/ giant RONA advertisements, into the "soccer specific" stadium.

As the rest of North America finally starts to "get" football, Toronto is pulling hard in the other direction and dragging the most abused fans in MLS back into the bad-old days of Giants Stadium. For those TFC fans masochistic enough to stay awake for this Pacific Time Zone spectacular, seeing what Portland's supporters have, and knowing what we have had pulled from beneath our feet, is a cruel twist of the knife.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"El Moustachio Ironico"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

PORTLAND: Will Johnson, Milos Kocic, Sal Zizzo

TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Jonas Elmer, Maxi Urruti?

THE ODDS:

Portland hipsters:

- mocking Toronto because "the CFL is sooooo 1986": 5-1

- enquiring whether TFC's maple leaf kits taste like trendy maple bacon donuts: 3-1

- adopting TFC as their second team because they think The Reds must be trying to be ironically awful: 2-1

WHO ARE YA?

The success of Portland Timbers has not gone unnoticed in the halls of power at Toronto FC. In fact, it is widely rumoured that the recently vacated President's role at The Reds could be filled by a poached member of the Timbers' staff. While there is no official confirmation, rumours that Tim Leiweke has asked for permission to speak to "Timber Joey" won't go away. An unnamed source quoted on the potential hire: "Timber Joey has everything TFC are looking for in a leader. He is a true industry leader at giving things the axe, destroying things in a rapid fashion and he obviously has severe mental issues. In short, the perfect MLSE executive".

POST-MATCH HEADLINE:

"REDS LUMBER TOWARDS OBLIVION"

And... lost in Tim Leiweke's "Vision of the Future" speech yesterday was this - the new opening for all live TFC broadcasts...