AFTER 90: In the year 2019

On the heels of MLSE's momentous BMO Field expansion announcement earlier this week, we thought we'd treat you dear reader to a glimpse into the future. The future you say? Yes - the future. All the way to the year 2019.

Using science and stuff. Math we guess? Sure... math. We bring you this match report as Toronto Ford Motors FC host Portland Timbers on September 27, 2019 in a crucial match as TFMFC strive for their first ever playoff appearance. To the future action!

TORONTO FORD MOTORS FC VS. 
PORTLAND TIMBERS

MICHAEL CLEMONS FIELD at FORD PLACE

1' - A blustery day. The canopy over our usual Sokoloff Lawyers Present The South Stand has once again failed to keep the rain out jamming the folding metal benches that make up our removable Tim Hortons' Supporters Family Fun Zone Section. We have been relocated to the East Side Mario's East Side Stand upper level. Not too shabby considering the reasonable $350.00 ticket face price per match.

5' - Slow start for The Reds under new first-time manager Danny Koevermans installed last week after Terry Dunfield's reign came to an end after 5 tumultuous weeks.

12' - Jermain Defoe goes close in his first game back with TFMFC. The 36-year old of course left in 2014 to sign with QPR. After further stints with West Ham, Bournemouth, Portsmouth and Barnet, Defoe returns and claims to be fully committed.

18' - A moment of silence for "Butchy the Hawk" after last week's unfortunate laser incident.

21' - These $18 Becel Presents Chip Buttys aren't too shabby.

25' - Six-year veteran Dominic Oduro tries to run onto a pass but continues to run through the empty Clearasil Completely Clear North Plaza (preserved for CFL end zones) and crashes head first into the Food Building.

31' - A roar of excitement as Mayor Mikey Ford is shown on the scoreboard.

37' - Portland's 30-goal scorer Maxi Urruti looking dangerous.

38' - Portland's 40-goal scorer Gilberto looking dangerous.

44' - Captain Nick Hagglund warned after arguing disallowed goal with Head of MLS Referees Dave Gantar.

45'- Match halted as stadium's primary tenant the Toronto Argonauts run onto field and proceed to give wedgies to the soccer players until they leave the playing area. Match called off and Portland are given the 3 points in default thus eliminating TFMFC from the 30-team MLS Playoffs once again.

FULL TIME:

TORONTO ARGONAUTS 21
HALIFAX ROUGH RIDERS 27

THE MATCHUP: Momentum before it was cool

TORONTO VS. PORTLAND

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 1PM ET

TV: TSN 4

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Craft Brew Cup"

FACTS* AND STATS**

TORONTO FC

- Splinters: The Timbers-related injury Defoe is likely to pick up

- "Mo": What you can't spell momentum without

- 3: The phase of BMO Field expansion where it all goes wrong

- "Day-To-Day": Current listed condition of the TFC bandwagon

- If TFC can beat Portland they move to 2nd in Cascadia Cup standings

PORTLAND TIMBERS

- 30: Average waist in inches of Timbers supporter skinny jeans

- Portland mascot Timber Joey and his log have been detained by Canada Border Services on a number of logging charges

- Will Johnson and Michael Bradley are set to have the league's greatest tantrum battle

- Portland defender Pa Modou Kay has won the prestigious "MLS Player Who Sounds Like a Star Wars Character" trophy

- Despite the result, Portland Timbers are in a can't lose situation as they would simply tell their fans that a loss to TFC would be "ironic"

*Possibly

**Maybe

THE LONELY GARBER - An Away Day Guide to: Portland Timbers

"Curved is the new straight"

 

Welcome to "The Lonely Garber" - a highly factual-ish travel guide for the adventurous football supporter to some of Major League Soccer's most fabled destinations. Also: Columbus. Join us now as we continue our way across this girthy continent...

THE OPPONENT:

PORTLAND TIMBERS

JELD-WEN FIELD - Portland, Oregon

THE TOWN:

Long before being the hippest town in America was popular, Portland, Oregon was "America's Hippest Town". Located in Southern Bigfoot Country, USA, the once wholly un-ironic village of Portland was settled in that very cool year of 1959, during the great American teak furniture boom. The town foundation is historically attributed to "unintentionally" stylish artisan furniture maker/faux lumberjack - Jebediah Timber or "Timber Jeb" as he was known on the street. There was only one street.

Modern day Portland, now named "Portland" after TV show "Portlandia", retained its hipster-vibe throughout the 60's but a population boom saw an increase in pedestrians - and that's just so pedestrian. As the coolnessosity levels dwindled, so did local industry leaving once proud sawmills as empty ironic sawmills. However, the late 1990's and 2000's brought in a new generation of Pacific Northwesterners turned off by Seattle's insistence on broadcasting "Frasier" on local TV 24/7.

The new Portlanders brought with them a new style and re-introduced plaid to the region along with new inventions called whiskey, thick-rimmed reading glasses and the slim-leg trouser. The now thriving city has once-again claimed its rightful place as "America's Hippest Town" and is home to nearly a million people who "lived there before you heard of it".



Portland City Council

Urruti era looking Bright! (Not what you think)

 

This is the part where we usually crack wise on the latest TFC transaction.

Today, we're dumbfounded. Well... more than usual.

After months of chasing Maximiliano Urruti through the wilds of Argentina, the boy barely had a chance to unpack his suitcase in Toronto. That's right Eff Cee fanz, after less than a month in Red, TFC have traded Maxi Urruti and simultaneously given Kevin Payne a Bon Voyage gift - a giant middle finger.

Confirmed today, Urruti - the can't miss prospect of his generation - has been dealt to Portland Timbers for the marvelously named/injury crippled Bright Dike, a draft pick and our old friend allocation money. Dike, the Oklahoman-born, Nigeria-capped forward, managed 6 MLS goals with Portland in 2011 before spending part of last season in USL Pro on loan. So you know... TFC quality.

FUN FACT: Bright Dike suffered a torn ACL back in February of 2013. For more on how that injury heals see: Danny Koevermans.

Make no mistake, this is an oddball trade. And that says a lot in TFC-land but there are reasons behind it. Kind of. Trading Urruti opens up cash and a DP slot which Tim Leiweke is very verbally trying to fill before next season. You guys fancy Italian? In addition, there are loud whispers that Urruti was not living up to the scouting reports (of 9 months!!!) and was very much Kevin Payne's man but nowhere near Ryan Nelsen's. The optics couldn't be much clearer over how the current TFC management assesses Payne's legacy.

Speaking of TFC management, the other interesting part of this deal is what it says about the incoming new GM. Does making a deal involving a big name (argue away) that was meant to be a piece for the future, illuminate just how much say in personnel the new man will have? It is looking increasingly like Ryan Nelsen will be a Diet Pop version of an old-school manager while the new GM will be Earl Cochrane MAX. All this so Leiweke can play in the Beckham sandbox.

Time will tell how "Bright" all this is.



AFTER 90: "We were making 5-Year Plans before it was cool..."

PORTLAND VS. TORONTO
JELD-WEN FIELD

FIRST HALF:
KICK OFF - If there was ever a night for some Hipster Fair Trade java to stay awake. Deep inside of the Pacific Time Zone in the bespoke, artisan moustache enclave of Portland, Oregon our newly GM-widowed Reds try not to be "meh" in front of MLS' most raucous and plaid-encased supporters. The only way to report tonight is to go deep, deep (woods) undercover as one of them... a hipster douchebag. Let's play some European soccer... or you know... whatever.

2' - Richard Eckersley whips in an early cross, sporting a ginger beard tonight but... you know... no big deal.
5' - Steven Caldwell with a solid defensive header. But he doesn't buy into "labels" okay?
10' - Former TFC fan-favourite Milos Kocic in goal for Portland tonight and tested early. The skinny jeans and vintage desert boots are a rare sight for a goalkeeper.
18' - Spanish winger Alvaro Rey down with a knock. Oh you haven't been trekking through the Andalucian Mountains? I have. But before it was touristy.
20' - Just finished second Pabst Blue Ribbon
25' - YELLOW CARD: Gale Agbossoumonde for putting too much artisanal bacon marmalade on his tackle
30' - Robert Earnshaw with a shot on Kocic. Earnshaw knows so many Zambian-Welsh bands you haven't even heard of yet.
32' - Timbers' Kalif Alhassan beats Bendik but hits the goalpost. More frustrating for Portlanders than the line at Voodoo Donuts. If you don't get the reference... just forget it.
38' - Earnshaw attempts acrobatic bicycle shot. He was scoring goals before it was July.
41' - TFC's counter-attack has the fluidity of artisanal, organic maple syrup that has been forgotten in an avocado-coloured retro refrigerator for two months.
45'+ - GOAL: Portland - Alhassan with a long range blast that beats Bendik. TFC defenders' minds were already on the halftime visit to that farmer's market.
PORTLAND 1 - TORONTO 0
45' + - Pabst me.

HALFTIME: PORTLAND 1 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:
50' - Oh hey sorry to keep you waiting. I actually don't own a TV. Was really into this John Steinbeck novel.
55' - TFC defence being peppered with shots right now. I really know a lot about different peppers by the way. Just an FYI
60' - Lack of options on Ryan Nelsen's bench to change tempo of the match. Also lack of ironic moustaches. It will be a busy off-season.
67' - Have to say that Portland's kits are quite striking. Wonder if they are bespoke?
75' - SUB: Justin Braun in for Alvaro Rey. Irony?
75' - Portland subs off their goalscorer for a DP in Diego Valeri after TFC bring in Braun. There's the irony.
78' - Pabst.
83' - GOAL: Portland - Rodney Wallace picks Agbossoumonde's pocket and beats a helpless Bendik to double the lead. If you're into that kind of thing.
PORTLAND 2 - TORONTO 0
87' - GOAL: Portland - Will Johnson takes irony too far as the Canadian goes through TFC's "defence" like a reclaimed Victorian hot knife through fried butter from a food truck.
PORTLAND 3 - TORONTO 0
90' - Like having that one Republican friend, we look at Reggie Lambe and say "how is this a thing"?
90'+ - GOAL: Portland - Valeri on the end of a Portland move that was great like that movie you've never heard of.
PORTLAND 4 - TORONTO 0
90'+ - Pabst.

FULL TIME: PORTLAND 4 - TORONTO 0

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 5 / Richard Eckersley 4.5 / Steven Caldwell 5 / Gale Agbossoumonde 5 / Jonas Elmer 5 / Reggie Lambe 4 / Jeremy Hall 5.5 / Darel Russell 5 / Alvaro Rey 6 (Justin Braun N/A ) / Andrew Wiedeman 5 / Robert Earnshaw 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Reggie Lambe. Yes, that's us being ironic.

THE BATH:
Want some more hip irony? Like the hipsters of Portland themselves we are "meh" over this embarrassing loss.

The apathy isn't because we are "too cool" to care. No if that was the case we wouldn't be typing at 1:30AM. Why do we not feel anything over another TFC loss? Because we are simply numb. These awful displays, our USL line-up promoted as "big-league" and promise after promise of "better days ahead" under the constant cloud of management decisions that may ruin this club forever. That will do it to ya.

You are giving us little TFC. You watch a match like that and say "who am I supposed to be excited about for in 2014?" Stop masquerading as a "major league" organization and fix things with what is likely your last real chance. Being 'too hip" to win is so 2007.

F*cking hipsters.

THE MATCHUP: Chopped

Tricky.

 

PORTLAND VS. TORONTO

　

JELD-WEN FIELD - SATURDAY 11PM ET

TV: TSN

THE KICKABOUT:

If MLS produced an Off-Off-Off Broadway production of "A Tale of Two Cities" it would star Portland and Toronto. You really can't find two markets in this league pulling in different directions.

The Hipster-infused Portland has a private owner who has a personal connection to his club and a drive to win. While not doing everything perfectly, Timbers have built a competitive club with a sensible MLS squad while turning their stadium into the envy of North American supporter experiences. Jeld-Wen Field is truly "their house"

Up here... notsomuch. Toronto FC and BMO Field (home of the former "Bestest Fans in the History of All-Timez Soccerz"(TM)) is a shadow of one-time unlimited promise. Heading into their 9th consecutive 5-Year Plan, now under the Imperial Leader Tim Leiweke, TFC has decided that the best way to fix the biggest farce in MLS is to shoehorn a gridiron team, likely avec Field Turf and the unscrubbable CFL markings/ giant RONA advertisements, into the "soccer specific" stadium.

As the rest of North America finally starts to "get" football, Toronto is pulling hard in the other direction and dragging the most abused fans in MLS back into the bad-old days of Giants Stadium. For those TFC fans masochistic enough to stay awake for this Pacific Time Zone spectacular, seeing what Portland's supporters have, and knowing what we have had pulled from beneath our feet, is a cruel twist of the knife.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"El Moustachio Ironico"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

PORTLAND: Will Johnson, Milos Kocic, Sal Zizzo

TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Jonas Elmer, Maxi Urruti?

THE ODDS:

Portland hipsters:

- mocking Toronto because "the CFL is sooooo 1986": 5-1

- enquiring whether TFC's maple leaf kits taste like trendy maple bacon donuts: 3-1

- adopting TFC as their second team because they think The Reds must be trying to be ironically awful: 2-1

WHO ARE YA?

The success of Portland Timbers has not gone unnoticed in the halls of power at Toronto FC. In fact, it is widely rumoured that the recently vacated President's role at The Reds could be filled by a poached member of the Timbers' staff. While there is no official confirmation, rumours that Tim Leiweke has asked for permission to speak to "Timber Joey" won't go away. An unnamed source quoted on the potential hire: "Timber Joey has everything TFC are looking for in a leader. He is a true industry leader at giving things the axe, destroying things in a rapid fashion and he obviously has severe mental issues. In short, the perfect MLSE executive".

POST-MATCH HEADLINE:

"REDS LUMBER TOWARDS OBLIVION"

And... lost in Tim Leiweke's "Vision of the Future" speech yesterday was this - the new opening for all live TFC broadcasts...

Domino effect begins as Reds ship Kocic and Johnson to Timbers

Another team for Milos!



With all due respect to Justin Braun, TFC has made its first major deal under Kevin Payne's leadership. The long rumoured/now official deal between Toronto and Portland sees Milos Kocic and Ryan Johnson being fitted for hipster lumberjack shirts and skinny jeans while The Reds receive Timbers' First Round SuperDraft Pick (3rd Overall) and hulking backup keeper Joe Bendik "Like Beckham" in return.
　
While the move doesn't immediately aid the ever-shrinking squad numbers of TFC, this deal can be regarded as the first domino to fall in The Reds' re-building (again) effort. By all accounts the club has a number of irons in the Scandinavian fire that they would like to make happen but were up against the wall in regards to salary cap. Eliminating Kocic and Johnson's wages helps ease that pain.
　
By acquiring another high draft pick, Kevin Payne & Posse now have some flexibility at next month's SuperDraft. They can keep both picks and pray to the Nativity Baby Jesus that both picks turn into Blue (or Red) Chips and accelerate the youth movement. They can deal one for a warm MLS body and still have a remaining high pick. Or - least likely - deal both away in a major deal or a couple of deals to plug the now increasing holes in the starting eleven. The addition of Bendik, will offer some much needed competition to Freddy Hall as the # 2 keeper and/or allow young Quinlan Roberts the opportunity to go out on loan.
　
The departing Reds will be met with different emotions from TFC supporters. Milos Kocic was more than a suitable backup keeper, especially in 2012 when Stefan Frei missed the majority of the season. His heart and spirit will be missed by many but the majority will agree that Frei is the superior keeper overall and Kocic deserves a chance elsewhere. As for Ryan Johnson, we may have not seen as mercurial a talent since Amado Guevara was here. All the tools, speed and power to be great... but always just missing that certain spark. That being said, he logged many minutes in his roles at forward/midfield and his departure leaves another big hole to fill. These dominoes better start dropping soon.

UPDATE: According to The Toronto Sun's Kurt Larson this afternoon, Freddy Hall's option is not being picked up by the club. This of course means that Joe Bendik "Like Someone" is your new # 2 keeper - and Reggie Lambe will still send out illegible Tweets. As you were.

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto v. Portland... or Who jumps bitches? We jump bitches?

The "who jumps bitches" is in reference to what we thought the capos were singing.
Not you Timber Army.

Tonight at BMO, the all-star teams of Toronto A, B and C against a relatively full-Portland side that's struggling.

21' - GOAL - After a block off of the line from Avila, Sal Zizzo puts home the rebound.
Robins 0, Tree People 1 

37' - In reaction to what is a boring-ass first half, we did a group exercise which we will present in a new feature:

Say Something Nice About Toronto for the Next Two Minutes. 

• They're monochromatic 
• T-sounds are funny 
• The field has grass 
• We treat our bird better than MarineLand 
• Sports are good exercise 
• "FC" leaves it open to interpretation 
• Best supported team in Ontario 
• Team that's for the people, by the people, but only slightly better than the people 
• The club that Liberty Village built. 

That was nice, positive and entertaining.

Half-Time Mood : sleeeeeeepy

45' - SUB - Lambe comes off for Wiederman

57' - GOAL - Silva has a shot stopped by Rickets, but the rebound is bagged by Hassli.
Robins 1, Tree People 1

59' - SUB - Eric Avila off for Amarikwa.

63' - GOAL - Fantastic stuff here. Morgan's cross finds the head of a sprawling Wiederman who flicks on to Silva for a header to the top corner.
Robins 2, Tree People 1

71' - Kocic comes up big with a stretching out save on a two man break.

80' - SUB - Makabuya comes on for Hassli. Remember Makabuya? Barely? I know...

82' - GOAL - Kris Boyd bags a goal against the run of play (or expected... either way)
Robins 2, Tree People 2 

EDIT - GOAL scored by Darlington Nagbe but our attention had been hijacked by the brewing "Ibrox-ing" of Section 110... (see below) You can't blame us really, poor man's Glasgow was a bit of a larf.  So passionate for a 3rd Division side!

88' - OMG SECTARIAN VIOLENCE KICKS OFF IN 110!!! PROTESTANT UNIONISTS BATTLE AGAINST APATHETIC AMBIVALENTS!!!  #overblown #notThatBad

90' - OMG SECTARIAN VIOLENCE TURNS CANNIBALISTIC AS THE RANGERS SUPPORTERS BATTLE AMONGST THEMSELVES!!!! #stillOverblown #amusing

2 minutes of extra-time 

FULL TIME: Toronto 2, Portland 2

Man of the Match : If Makabuya has deflected that ball into the net, it would've been him... but Silva gets the nod.

Goat of the Game : Ty Harden has a distinct fear of running forward when in the opposition's half and the ability to hang on to the ball for a second too long.  Felt bad for him, but it is what it is.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  Started out rough but became more invisible as the game progressed.

As much as it was nice to get a ride home tonight, traffic was a bitch, so here's the belated report pre-prepping and going to work... Perhaps it was the substitute, but something kicked-in around the 55th minute and then they started playing.  The first half was about no one getting open and Portland closing down everyone with 2 defenders... The Rangers' infighting was likely due to one of them telling the aggro guy to calm down, and he wasn't having any of it, so they had a go... Everyone had their share of screw-ups tonight, pinning Harden down was more for consistency... The rule must be if Hassli scores once, then he's gonna have a go from everywhere on the park.  At least someone is shooting.

Player Ratings : Kocic 6, Harden 5, Eckersley 6, Cann 5.5, Morgan 6; Lambe 5.5 [Wiederman 5.5], Frings 6, Maund 5.5, Avila 5.5 [Wiederman 5.5], Silva 6.5 [Amarikwa 6], Hassli 6 [Makabuya N/A]

THE MATCHUP: "Watch out for those Trees!"

Hipster Brian Clough is all over this



TORONTO VS. PORTLAND
　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Usually when a club gets an unexpected few days off they are fresh, rested and have a full squad. Instead, Toronto FC comes into their match with Hipster's Choice (TM) - Portland Timbers - with a paper thin roster. This time, the reason is a mix of international call-ups and suspension. The Reds will thus be playing Wednesday evening without the help of Darren O'Dea, Dicoy Williams (?!), Doneil Henry, Ryan Johnson, Logan Emory and Terry Dunfield. So yeah... defending.
　
Despite their tough 2012, Oregon's Tricky Trees do have some quality in their line-up and are very capable of scoring goals on what will be a wafer-like TFC defence. What they do have coming into the match that The Reds don't (aside from Hipster-cred) is a full and healthy squad. Also, the power of 20,000 ironic moustaches watching from afar.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Ossingtonian"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Eric Hassli, Ashtone Morgan, Luis Silva
PORTLAND: Kris Boyd, Jack Jewsbury, Donovan Ricketts
　
THE ODDS:
Toronto FC centreback pairing for Wednesday:
- Ty Harden and Adrian Cann: 5-1
- Aaron Maund and a pile of sports equipment: 10-1
- Bitchy The Hawk and Rick Titus: 25-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
"Hinterland Who's Who Are Ya: Hipsterus Ironicus"
Hipsterus Ironicus, or the Common North American Hipster, is an urban sub-species whose natural habitat is formerly impoverished, but now gentrified, middle-class neighbourhoods. Hipsters are easily spotted in nature due to their plaid plumage, thick optical rims and slim-legged physiology. While mostly a nocturnal creature that roams in small, apathetic packs, a keen naturalist can catch a glimpse of a bleary-eyed specimen during daylight hours riding a vintage bicycle, at Jeld-Wen Field, napping near the rear of a public transit vehicle or circling around an espresso bar that you've never heard of.

The North American species survives on a steady diet of microbrewed craft ales; foods with the words "organic", "artisan" or "farmer's" attached; or, anything served from a food truck. Their unique call can be heard in the late evening and sounds much like an early Arcade Fire bootleg. See: Portland Timbers Supporters
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "WE LIKED SOCCER BEFORE IT WAS FOOTBALL. TOO MAINSTREAM"
　
And now... a word of warning about underestimating Trees. Pretty sure the jungle outfit is American Apparel. Seriously - Stella and Ursula? Hipsters.

AFTER 90: Reds chop down Timbers' lead for moral victory

"2-2 and that's okay"



IN THE TUNNEL:
A very late night for Reds supporters who have stayed up to watch "the best atmosphere in the league". You remember that right? Used to be D.C.'s then we came along. Then Seattle came along. And, then Portland came along. Sigh... at least we have those NutCan flags though right? Hello?... Tifos, chants and songs ahoy - it's time to sport some wood against those Timbers...
　
ON THE PITCH:
1' - Welcome to Portland where supporters arrive an hour before kick-off as opposed to 30 minutes after the match starts. Kick-off...
7' - Timbers fans chant that they "can't hear Toronto sing" since kick-off. The half dozen TFC fans in attendance must be so hurt
10' - TFC start the match on their collective heels and almost pay as Timbers' Eddie Johnson nutmegs Stefan Frei but hits the crossbar with shot. Piece of lumber preserved.
16' - Timbers' Kalif Alhassan uses Ty Harden as a traffic pylon and forces The Goalblerone to make a low stop. Yes, Harden is playing.
22' - Against the run of play Joao Plata carves open Portland's defence and rattles the post. In a counter-attacking stupor, Reds' players stand around like yokels calling for an offside while Eddie Johnson scores a GOAL: past a sprawling Frei. Brilliant.
PORTLAND 1 - TORONTO 0
25' - The celebratory log sliced by Timber Joey is slightly more mobile than Ty Harden
29' - Julian de Guzman gets a free look at goal but decides instead to give the Timbers Army a souvenir ball
36' - So many "sporting wood" puns going to waste
38' - YELLOW CARD: Ty Harden for being a big log
41' - As rare as a Pacific Northwest Bigfoot sighting - de Guzman takes a blistering shot that forces a save from Troy Perkins
44' - Timbers Army are admittedly awesome but deciphering their chants via a TV feed can be a challenge - last one sounded like "Empty!... Sleepy!"
45' + - Expansion Portland schooling expansion Toronto as halftime whistled and the teams head off
　
HALFTIME: PORTLAND 1 - TORONTO 0
　
45' - SUB: New Red Peri Marosevic in for Nick "Da Housecat" Soolsma
49' - Danny Koevermans catches Perkins off guard but the shot goes just wide
52' - Latest chant sounds like "Whoaaaa - Let's go have some eggs!"
55' - Torsten Frings sets up Plata who takes one step too many and is stopped by Perkins
56' - PENALTY: Andy Iro trips Diego Chara in the box and GOAL: converted by captain Jack Jewsbury
PORTLAND 2 - TORONTO 0
58' - Timbers chopping logs - TFC dropping logs
61' - SUB: An awful performance by de Guzman ends as Terry Dunfield comes on for his Toronto debut
62' - Only the post saves it from being 3-0 Portland as Eric Brunner goes close
68' - SUB: A strange switch as Javier Martina replaces the eternally useless Ty Harden. Frings drops back to cover the defence - a waste of his talents
70' - GOAL: Out of nowhere new boy Peri Marosevic curls the ball low past Perkins. Colour everyone shocked.
PORTLAND 2 - TORONTO 1
77' - Both teams going back and forth for another goal. Defence is just a rumour
81' - GOAL: Koevermans gets a flick off a low Plata cross and does what he's paid to do
PORTLAND 2 - TORONTO 2
82' - TFC have their usual post-goal nap and almost allow a Timbers goal if not for The Goalblerone’s paws
88' - Latest Timbers Army chant sounds... quiet
89' - Plata takes a long-distance shot forcing a one-handed save by Troy "The Family Restaurant" Perkins
90'+ - If any team was going to steal it in extra time it was TFC but a third goal just wasn't there...
　
FULL TIME: PORTLAND 2 - TORONTO 2
　
IN THE BATHS:
Very rarely in 2011 have we had the opportunity to call a TFC result a "moral victory" but tonight's draw is about as close as we'll likely get. While The Reds did admittedly come out flat in the 1st Half, they did show some strong character by battling to the very end off of the back of Stefan Frei's game-saving stops. The new blood injected into the line-up in the 2nd Half seemed to make a great deal of difference with Peri Marosevic's debut goal seemingly giving the team belief with 20 minutes left in the game. The change in attitude and poise that occurred after Julian de Guzman's removal from the game may entirely be a coincidence but will surely be noticed by many. Hopefully the upward swing in momentum on TFC will survive the 8 hour journey to Nicaragua now awaiting the club.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 7 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Ty Harden 5.5 (Javier Martina 6 ) / Andy Iro 5.5 / Ashtone Morgan 6 / Julian de Guzman 4.5 (Terry Dunfield 6) / Torsten Frings 7 / Ryan Johnson 6.5 / Nick Soolsma 5 (Peri Marosevic 6.5 ) / Danny Koevermans 6.5 / Joao Plata 7
　
THE YORKIES' MAN OF THE MATCH: Stefan Frei
TALKING POINT: Ty Harden vs a tree. Foot race. Discuss.

THE MATCHUP: Lumbering Reds look to avoid the chop in Portland

If only there was a "Timber Clough"



PORTLAND (14th) VS. TORONTO (17th)
　
JELD-WEN FIELD - SATURDAY 11PM ET
TV: GOLTV -----RADIO: FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Can road-weary TFC break their duck against a Timbers squad who has lost 4 out of their last 5 in MLS?
- Who will man The Reds' ever-rotating "Wheel of Defence"?
- Will the newest TFC new boys Dasan Robinson and Peri Marosevic make their debuts?
- Will the famously raucous Portland fans show MLSE what they could have had at BMO Field if they would have treated Supporters Groups with more respect and cooperation?
- Has anyone ever seen Timber Joey and 80's Oregon-native pro wrestler Billy Jack Haynes in the same room?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Dutch Elm Diseaser"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
PORTLAND: Jack Jewsbury, Troy Perkins, Jorge Perlaza
TORONTO: Torsten Frings, Ryan Johnson, Danny Koevermans
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC supporters feeling pangs of jealousy with every camera shot of organized fan chants, tifos and songs: 3-1
- Ty Harden being mistaken for lumber - being chased around stadium by Timber Joey: 10-1
- Bob de Klerk driving Maicon Santos deep into the Oregon forests "for a run" - driving away furiously when Santos gets out: 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- In a quest for any silverware, Toronto FC is still aiming to become the first non-Pacific Northwest club to win the Cascadia Cup
- In the waning days of the Vietnam War, The Timbers Army was actually drafted to fight the dreaded Viet Cong
- Portland, Oregon is also known as "The Rose City" and has been in a 38-year war with Portland, Maine over their shared name. The city's citizens are called Portly and the primary exports are incarcerated NBA players, ironic indie-rock haircuts and chainsaw-related amputations
　
THE WAGER: 1-0 Portland (2011: 18-11 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "TFC CUT DOWN IN CHAINSAW MASSACRE"

"Is that you Timber Joey?"

The South Stand Report : Toronto v Portland... or something something something

...........................I know, it's totally genius.

You could hear the board of directors at MLS already bitching about Canadian weather. "See, THIS is exactly why we're not supposed to play games in Toronto at this time of year...". Bollocks to them, this time last year, it was 14C. Trust me, it was. Holy crap it's cold. If only there was something at halftime to look forward to to keep us warm in our hearts. Toronto, as you know, last week played 25 minutes of brilliant football against Vancouver. Sadly, it was the middle 55 that really did them in.

After the many months of stewing over being ticket gouged and still bitter about MoJo's involvement here, I am prepared to be a patient man. Winter can take is time. Seriously. A true system, with youth involvement, isn't a few months thing, it's a few years thing.

Predictions:

•Frostbite somewhere

•Coming up with a new punny nickname for Yourassowsky before halftime

•People overpaying for watered down beer (still)

•not a sell out crowd

•Toronto 2, Portland Forest Timbers 1

It was Victoria's birthday. Did you know it was her birthday? If I had a shot of Patron for every time she had mentioned it, I'd have been pissed out of my skull by the 38th minute. Would've been the best drinking game ever. There you go. Can't say we don't do anything for you. For the record, it was really damn cold. My fingers we ready to fall off after each note in the book, so I didn't write much.

14' - GOAL - Sweet little pass from DeRo in the box finds Javier Martina and slots it easy past Gleeson. Not too bad. 2 mins of extra time

Half-time mood: Optimistic yet cold. Toronto wasn't particularly amazing, but not bad either. A few weak moments in the back, but only saved by even more mediocre finishing from Portland. Nice to see that the team that is the expansion team is playing like one for once *grumble*Seattle, Philly and Vancouver*grumble* We were given a special treat. A "live" (as in he was there) performance of this new track by Kardinal Offishal. His lip syncing was passable.

Quote of the match: I haven't had this much fun all game! ~ Brandon

A close second was: Was that that rapper from Degrassi? ~ Tony

45 - SUB - "Like a" Sturgis out, Stefanovic in. 48 - Maicon in on goal after a blunder by the defence, has a run for 20 yards and slides a ball not quite far enough for a goal but was under no pressure. Suspicions that he's not really Brazilian surface.

56 - YELLOW - Yourassowsky is booked for something. Didn't see it.

68 - SUB - Zavarise in, Maicon Santos... or should we say, Mike Sanders?!

70 - GOAL - Wow. If you missed this, it should be goal of the week. Martina gets a long ball from Frei and chips Gleeson beautifully, over the right shoulder, off the post and in. Eredivisie calibre. Brilliant stuff.

79 - YELLOW - Gargan for two handing someone off the pitch like he wanted to ride his favourite swing at the playground.

83 - SUB (sorta) - Morgan was about to come in for Yourassowsky, then...

84 - RED - Yourassowsky gets a second yellow for taking his dear sweet f'ing time getting off the pitch and running his mouth. Thanks for the suspension idiot.

86 - SUB - Martina out for Morgan. Gets a well deserved round of applause.

Full-Time : Toronto 2, Portland 0
Man of the Match : Martina for the brace and the classy goal
Goat of the game : Yourassowsky for his giant WTF moment during substitution
Ref rating : 2 out of 5. Can't wait to find out that he's local. Ugh.

Player ratings: Frei 8, Gargan 5, Harden 6, Cann 7, Yourassowsky 5 Peterson 6, Sturgis 6 (Stevanovic 6), DeRo 7 Santos 5, Gordon 6, Martina 8

As a footnote, this victory puts us in second place for the Cascadia Cup with 3 points, Vancouver in first with 3 (advantage on goal difference) and Portland and Seattle with 0 points.

I'm only half kidding about the Cascadia Cup

THE MATCHUP: Winter football greets Winter' s football

Finally a reason to use Aron's Oranje ball

TORONTO FC VS. PORTLAND TIMBERS
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET
TV: TSN
　
For new management team Aron Winter and Paul Mariner, Saturday's Toronto FC home opener could have a chillier reception than expected. While sub-zero temperatures (likely hovering around -10C) won't be welcome, the usual warming embrace of the TFC faithful may be missing to some extent. It is terribly unfair to the new bosses, but the 2011 opening match will likely not be sold-out and many of the brave souls who do bundle up seem to have short fuses after four years of re-building. Hopefully the frustration, which should be directed at ownership and former management, will be overcome by optimism and BMO Field will show the new team what makes it a great home.
　
If a tonic is needed for the fans, it could come in the shape of the opposition Portland Timbers. Vancouver's Cascadia and expansion cousins looked far from sharp against Colorado last week and has a defence more suspect that TFC's. A win against the young Timbers and improved play could see some of the early venom pointed toward Aron Winter subside. Of course, it is a double-edged sword, or chainsaw in this case, as a second straight loss against an expansion team would have many cursing in Dutch at the new manager. With the often lethal Kenny Cooper up front, Timbers can't simply be passed over as a sure win..
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Frozen Timbit"
　
Brrr-REDS: Dwayne De Rosario, Stefan Frei, Javier Martina
TIM-Brrrs: Kenny Cooper, Jack Jewsbury, Adam Moffat
　
THE ODDS:
- Announced 20,000 strong crowd looking very 15,000ish: 2-1
- Defensive errors caused by players literally frozen in place: 5-1
- Former Red Kevin Goldthwaite inducted onto Wall of Honour: 15-1
- Aron Winter failing to see irony of his name / the weather: 25-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- The BMO Field match will actually be the 4th coldest match on Saturday's FIFA calendar behind: Antarctic Scientist XI vs. Greenland, Sheffield Frozen Food Supply Wednesday vs. Yeti Town FC and the Nunavut League Cup 4th Round replay
- Portland had to alter travel plans as team sponsor Alaskan Airlines deemed Toronto "too cold" to fly into
- TFC scrapped plans to counter the famous Timbers' lumberjack mascot "Timber Joey" with a local version named "Andrea Lumber-do"
- The cold weather has opened opportunity for BMO Field's concession stands as Saturday sees the debut of Scotch Egg Broth Soup, new "Carlsberg HOT Draft" and $9 dollar pints of coffee
　
CAPTAIN'S LOG SAYS: 3-2 Toronto
LUMBERING DEFENCE SAYS: 2-2 Draw
FUTURE HEADLINE: "TORONTO HIT BY MASSIVE SNOWSTORM - MAYOR CALLS IN TIMBERS ARMY"

NOTE: Toronto FC officially signed Joao Plata today as well as completing the loan signing of midfielder Alen Stevanovic from TFC Italia aka Torino FC. More here…