THE MATCHUP: "Watch out for those Trees!"

Hipster Brian Clough is all over this



TORONTO VS. PORTLAND
　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Usually when a club gets an unexpected few days off they are fresh, rested and have a full squad. Instead, Toronto FC comes into their match with Hipster's Choice (TM) - Portland Timbers - with a paper thin roster. This time, the reason is a mix of international call-ups and suspension. The Reds will thus be playing Wednesday evening without the help of Darren O'Dea, Dicoy Williams (?!), Doneil Henry, Ryan Johnson, Logan Emory and Terry Dunfield. So yeah... defending.
　
Despite their tough 2012, Oregon's Tricky Trees do have some quality in their line-up and are very capable of scoring goals on what will be a wafer-like TFC defence. What they do have coming into the match that The Reds don't (aside from Hipster-cred) is a full and healthy squad. Also, the power of 20,000 ironic moustaches watching from afar.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Ossingtonian"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Eric Hassli, Ashtone Morgan, Luis Silva
PORTLAND: Kris Boyd, Jack Jewsbury, Donovan Ricketts
　
THE ODDS:
Toronto FC centreback pairing for Wednesday:
- Ty Harden and Adrian Cann: 5-1
- Aaron Maund and a pile of sports equipment: 10-1
- Bitchy The Hawk and Rick Titus: 25-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
"Hinterland Who's Who Are Ya: Hipsterus Ironicus"
Hipsterus Ironicus, or the Common North American Hipster, is an urban sub-species whose natural habitat is formerly impoverished, but now gentrified, middle-class neighbourhoods. Hipsters are easily spotted in nature due to their plaid plumage, thick optical rims and slim-legged physiology. While mostly a nocturnal creature that roams in small, apathetic packs, a keen naturalist can catch a glimpse of a bleary-eyed specimen during daylight hours riding a vintage bicycle, at Jeld-Wen Field, napping near the rear of a public transit vehicle or circling around an espresso bar that you've never heard of.

The North American species survives on a steady diet of microbrewed craft ales; foods with the words "organic", "artisan" or "farmer's" attached; or, anything served from a food truck. Their unique call can be heard in the late evening and sounds much like an early Arcade Fire bootleg. See: Portland Timbers Supporters
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "WE LIKED SOCCER BEFORE IT WAS FOOTBALL. TOO MAINSTREAM"
　
And now... a word of warning about underestimating Trees. Pretty sure the jungle outfit is American Apparel. Seriously - Stella and Ursula? Hipsters.