AFTER 90: "We were making 5-Year Plans before it was cool..."

PORTLAND VS. TORONTO
JELD-WEN FIELD

FIRST HALF:
KICK OFF - If there was ever a night for some Hipster Fair Trade java to stay awake. Deep inside of the Pacific Time Zone in the bespoke, artisan moustache enclave of Portland, Oregon our newly GM-widowed Reds try not to be "meh" in front of MLS' most raucous and plaid-encased supporters. The only way to report tonight is to go deep, deep (woods) undercover as one of them... a hipster douchebag. Let's play some European soccer... or you know... whatever.

2' - Richard Eckersley whips in an early cross, sporting a ginger beard tonight but... you know... no big deal.
5' - Steven Caldwell with a solid defensive header. But he doesn't buy into "labels" okay?
10' - Former TFC fan-favourite Milos Kocic in goal for Portland tonight and tested early. The skinny jeans and vintage desert boots are a rare sight for a goalkeeper.
18' - Spanish winger Alvaro Rey down with a knock. Oh you haven't been trekking through the Andalucian Mountains? I have. But before it was touristy.
20' - Just finished second Pabst Blue Ribbon
25' - YELLOW CARD: Gale Agbossoumonde for putting too much artisanal bacon marmalade on his tackle
30' - Robert Earnshaw with a shot on Kocic. Earnshaw knows so many Zambian-Welsh bands you haven't even heard of yet.
32' - Timbers' Kalif Alhassan beats Bendik but hits the goalpost. More frustrating for Portlanders than the line at Voodoo Donuts. If you don't get the reference... just forget it.
38' - Earnshaw attempts acrobatic bicycle shot. He was scoring goals before it was July.
41' - TFC's counter-attack has the fluidity of artisanal, organic maple syrup that has been forgotten in an avocado-coloured retro refrigerator for two months.
45'+ - GOAL: Portland - Alhassan with a long range blast that beats Bendik. TFC defenders' minds were already on the halftime visit to that farmer's market.
PORTLAND 1 - TORONTO 0
45' + - Pabst me.

HALFTIME: PORTLAND 1 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:
50' - Oh hey sorry to keep you waiting. I actually don't own a TV. Was really into this John Steinbeck novel.
55' - TFC defence being peppered with shots right now. I really know a lot about different peppers by the way. Just an FYI
60' - Lack of options on Ryan Nelsen's bench to change tempo of the match. Also lack of ironic moustaches. It will be a busy off-season.
67' - Have to say that Portland's kits are quite striking. Wonder if they are bespoke?
75' - SUB: Justin Braun in for Alvaro Rey. Irony?
75' - Portland subs off their goalscorer for a DP in Diego Valeri after TFC bring in Braun. There's the irony.
78' - Pabst.
83' - GOAL: Portland - Rodney Wallace picks Agbossoumonde's pocket and beats a helpless Bendik to double the lead. If you're into that kind of thing.
PORTLAND 2 - TORONTO 0
87' - GOAL: Portland - Will Johnson takes irony too far as the Canadian goes through TFC's "defence" like a reclaimed Victorian hot knife through fried butter from a food truck.
PORTLAND 3 - TORONTO 0
90' - Like having that one Republican friend, we look at Reggie Lambe and say "how is this a thing"?
90'+ - GOAL: Portland - Valeri on the end of a Portland move that was great like that movie you've never heard of.
PORTLAND 4 - TORONTO 0
90'+ - Pabst.

FULL TIME: PORTLAND 4 - TORONTO 0

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 5 / Richard Eckersley 4.5 / Steven Caldwell 5 / Gale Agbossoumonde 5 / Jonas Elmer 5 / Reggie Lambe 4 / Jeremy Hall 5.5 / Darel Russell 5 / Alvaro Rey 6 (Justin Braun N/A ) / Andrew Wiedeman 5 / Robert Earnshaw 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Reggie Lambe. Yes, that's us being ironic.

THE BATH:
Want some more hip irony? Like the hipsters of Portland themselves we are "meh" over this embarrassing loss.

The apathy isn't because we are "too cool" to care. No if that was the case we wouldn't be typing at 1:30AM. Why do we not feel anything over another TFC loss? Because we are simply numb. These awful displays, our USL line-up promoted as "big-league" and promise after promise of "better days ahead" under the constant cloud of management decisions that may ruin this club forever. That will do it to ya.

You are giving us little TFC. You watch a match like that and say "who am I supposed to be excited about for in 2014?" Stop masquerading as a "major league" organization and fix things with what is likely your last real chance. Being 'too hip" to win is so 2007.

F*cking hipsters.

THE STARTING 11: Unexpected side-effects of Toronto FC's new plaid scarf

"I was into TFC before they were cool."



Many of you are sitting in your window like a Jack Russell waiting for the Purolator delivery dude to bring your TFC Season Ticket package right now. Sit Ubu supporter, sit. Good supporter. However, not only are your vouchers to a year of exciting somewhat palatable football in that tardy box but also a bold fashion choice. For our seventh season ticket holder scarf, TFC decided to step outside of the couture box and go with a hip lumberjack plaid design. Some will hate it ("It's not a football scarf!); others will love it ("It goes with my ironic moustache!") but what surprising circumstances await the unwitting hipster supporter?
　
11. Every time you grab your scarf, a bloodhound is asleep under it
　
10. Unofficial TFC anthem becomes "Plaid to the Bone"
　
9. The Scottish can't keep their hands off of you
　
8. Northern Ontario supporters now have extra formal dinner attire
　
7. Always expected to be the first to clean up household spills
　
6. Hunter-weary bears now steering clear of Exhibition Place
　
5. Guaranteed to get a seat for post-match drinks at trendy Ossington Ave. nightspots　

4. You totally look like a hot-shot when talking about maple syrup
　
3. Portland Timbers now consider us their most bitter rivals
　
2. Eddie Bauer's 2013 catalog is mostly random photos of BMO Field's south stand
　
1. Stadium security turn a blind eye if you bring an axe to a match