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Monday, November 11, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Ways Toronto FC players are trying to keep their jobs

"Ugh, those are some crappy ingredients"
It's that time of year again. MLS contracts are ending; clubs look towards next season; some players will return - others will look for alternate employment. TFC is in the midst of their 7th rebuilding year and have many players whose future in Toronto is on the bubble. To paraphrase classic TV cooking show "Chopped": "A not-so distinguished panel of front office management will critique their work and one-by-one they will face the dreaded chopping block. Who will win a new contract? And who... will be Chopped?!" Yummy! The question is: what can players on the knife's edge do to get a leg-up on their competition?

11. MARK BLOOM: Has promised to wear "nerd glasses" at all times to make Tim Bezbatchenko feel less self-conscious

10. DANNY KOEVERMANS: Developed a 4-step program to eliminate waste at BMO Field by personally handling left-over concessions

9. BOBBY CONVEY: Will sit young TFC players around the fireplace and tell them tales of a mystical far-away land they thought was make-believe called "The MLS Playoffs"

8. REGGIE LAMBE: Vowed to work his hardest to improve game and become a "1-in-5" player

7. ANDREW WIEDEMAN: Has been working diligently with Environment Canada to collate data comparing rain days to match days and his scoring rate in relation to precipitation levels

6. ALVARO REY: Swears he will make fans forget all about Maxi Urruti's legendary TFC career

5. JONAS ELMER: Will help MLSE find a Swiss Bank that asks few questions to relocate their stash of secret Nazi Astronaut Gold

4. EMERY WELSHMAN: Has talked to his parents and it is cool if Samuel Eto'o and Jermaine Defoe crash in their Mississauga basement

3. DAREL RUSSELL: Is very willing to accept the nickname "Da Ru" if plans to bring Dwayne De Rosario back fall through

2. STEFAN FREI: Promises to get to the bottom of case that has seen a rash of graffiti art near BMO Field proclaiming "KIWIZ SUCK THE BIG ONEZ"

1. JUSTIN BRAUN: Legally changed name to "Jalberto Biraldino"

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