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Friday, February 14, 2014

Red Hot Reds' Supporters' Romance Quiz

"You had me at foot"

"BMO Field is for Lovers"… said no t-shirt ever. Despite that, today is the day to stop fretting over Matias Laba’s next move and ponder upon that special person in your life. And no - we don't mean Julio Cesar. It's Valentine's Day - the day to celebrate all things amour... because French stuff always goes swimmingly at TFC. Put your MLS aside for a day and set your tactics to "4-4-Lurve".
 
In the spirit of getting your raging heart on, please take the time to fill out the 2014 "Red Hot Reds' Supporter Romance Quiz". It is the most scientifically proven* (* not any form of science known to humans) Major League Soccer/Romance test since the infamous "Tampa Bay Mutiny Presents: Is Your Wife Cheating on You" quiz of 1997. So before you sit your spouse/partner/hired "friend" down to an evening of microwaved tin pasta and a 90 minute snuggle in front of your 1991 FA Cup Semi-Final DVD... answer these February 14 questions to see just how red hot a Red you are.
 
HOW TO SCORE: 1 Point for every A; 2 Points for every B; 3 points for every C; and 4 points for every D
 
1. If you were buying your partner a sexy item of clothing, what would it be?
A) Workout gear B) A pair of sexy heels C) Some red undergarments D) A rare 2007 Adam Braz kit
 
2. How long do you wait before trying to bed a new partner?
A) After 4 or 5 friendly dates B) Try to seduce them on the 2nd date C) Nothing like a one-night stand! D) I have a 5 Year Plan
 
3. How do you first get to know a partner?
A) Exchange some pleasant e-mails B) Meet up for a coffee C) A few flirty texts D) An online dating profile that says "Get Used To It"
 
4. Who most inspires you to be romantic?
A) Poets B) Painters C) Musicians D) Joe Cannon
 
5. If you were making a romantic meal, what would be your specialty?
A) A warm soup B) A pasta dish C) Red Velvet Cake D) Chip Butty
 
6. If you were to put some drinks on ice for the evening, what would you serve?
A) Some sparkling mineral water B) Champagne C) An expensive red wine D) $11 Dollar pint of Carlsberg in a plastic cup
 
7. What term do you use for "love-making"?
A) "A friendly" B) "Getting lucky" C) "Scoring" D) "Drilling one into the box"
 
8. How would you best describe your technique in bed?
A) "Sweet and tender" B) "Confident and assured" C) "Erotic and adventurous" D) "Like a Doneil Henry tackle from behind"
 
9. If you could get your significant other to "dress up" for you, what costume would you choose?
A) French maid B) Hot cop C) The "Scotts' Turf Girl" D) Bitchy the Hawk
 
10. What is your favourite position?
A) Spooning B) Classic missionary C) Something from the Kama Sutra D) Defensive Midfielder
 
11. What taboo experience do you most crave?
A) A night in a pleasant Columbus, Ohio hotel B) A very public adventure C) Hooking up with a complete stranger D) Having two guys named Tim show up
 
12. What name would you like to be called in bed?
A) "Sweetheart" B) "Stud" C) "The best lover in the modern era" D) "A Bloody Big Deal"
 
13. If you could choose a fantasy name for yourself - what would it be?
A) Mr. Right B) The Designated Player C) Kevin Pain D) Commissioner Dong Grabber
 
14. What do you find most physically attractive on your partner?
A) Their smile B) Their hair C) Their eyes D) Their South End
 
HOW DID YOU DO?
If you scored:
 
14-20 points - you are a TRIALIST: You've got a long way to go before you're ready for the big-time. Time to put down FIFA 14 and meet a real girl - watching the Canadian Women's team doesn't count as a date.
 
21-34 points - you are in the ACADEMY: You've got some potential but there are lots like you out there. Work on your romance or end up in a USL-type relationship... or alone with your own Rochester Raging Rhino.
 
35-48 points - you are on the FIRST TEAM: You are definitely a Major Leaguer in the old football shorts department. However, there is still room for improvement so don't get too cocky. No one wants a Mista in their bed.

49 points and higher - you are a DP: No not that kind of DP (you commendable perv) - the MLS kind! You are on top of your game and could have the pick of the litter at BMO Field. You've got the physique of a Dichio, the charm of a Ricketts, the accent of Laurent Robert and the animal magnetism of a Raivis Hscanovics. Reds' lovin' ladies would love some of your support! "Up The Reds!" At least until Jermain Defoe arrives and steals all of our ladies.


6 comments:

  1. so much awesome in this article, hope cupid is good to you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Carlsberg?
    what kind of heathen do you take me for?
    bud all the way. bud light is also acceptable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If it's a special occasion...Stella?

      Delete
    2. whoa, slow down there mr fancy.

      Delete
  3. No, a special occasion would be Leffe Brun. But good luck getting the lady to agree to do it in the "brun".

    ReplyDelete
  4. ARE YOU PLAYING FIFA ULTIMATE TEAM?
    Then you probably need more COINS!
    Check out FUT Millionaire.

    ReplyDelete