THE STARTING 11: TFC late-match excuses

"Warm milk was a bad choice..."



The first time Toronto FC gave up a goal in the dying minutes of a match it was put down to bad luck. The second time raised a few eyebrows. Now that we're headed to a half-dozen last-minute reverse-heroics/brainfarts it has just become expected. You would be hard-pressed to find a Reds' supporter who feels comfortable in the 85th minute of a match unless TFC has a solid 5 to 8 goal lead. So yeah. But what are the reasons for such mass mental breakdowns? It may be deeper than you think...
　
11. Ryan Nelsen's mandatory halftime warm milk starts to kick in
　
10. Bermuda Triangle is playing up (Reggie Lambe only)
　
9. Logan Emory's new Nike Ballet Slippers not worked in yet
　
8. That guy in the 5th row keeps giving us the hurtful side-eye
　
7. We are waiting for a 34-year-old, notoriously slow-starting, just back from destructive ACL injury and major surgery to cure everything that is wrong with the club
　
6. So much pressure to live up to the legendary names that played defense for Toronto FC in the past such as Hscanovics, Usanov, Garcia and Braz
　
5. We swoon whenever Darren O'Dea yells out tactical instructions in his beguiling Irish brogue
　
4. Want to finish early to beat traffic
　
3. Still miss Torsten Frings' lovely late-match cuddles
　
2. Stefan Frei keeps cough-yelling "JINX!" when Joe Bendik attempts a late-match save
　
1. Saving all our energy for the Voyaguers Cup; CONCACAF Champions League; MLS Playoffs; The SuperDraft

THE STARTING 11: Other Toronto FC last-minute disasters

Surprisingly low in electrolytes

In our more sober moments we can look at TFC 2013 and note the baby-steps towards semi-respectability. Unbeaten at home, not bleeding goals and definitely not the walk-over club of 12 months prior. That is of course when we aren't pulling out our hair and screaming "you mother#%*#^ sons of *#$^& of filthy *&%^$ ass &^%&**# and horse you *^&$#@! ignorant ^&$&()* Q-Bert playin' #%&^)! nincompoops blew another win in the last minute! %%@!" Yes those high-larious Reds are making an art of giving away 2 points late but this club has a history of terrible last-minute kerfuffles. Like that time...

 

11. Coaches told Stefan Frei "Don't worry - your job is safe"

 

10. The annual MLSE Board of Directors Holiday Party was ruined when that intern forgot to pick up the golden calf, panda bladders and virgins for the pagan sacrifice

 

9. They signed Mista instead of what was behind Curtain # 1

 

8. Preki trashed the dressing room after Jim Brennan switched his regular instant coffee for new Folgers Crystals

 

7. De Ro's cheque-signing charade was misunderstood when Raivis Hscanovics forgot to run up to him with the giant invisible "I HEART TFC" greeting card

 

6.  Andrea Lombardo's career was cut short when they forgot to inform him that TTC fares had gone up by 15 cents

 

5. Miguel Aceval was elected as "Post-Match Activities Director"

 

4. The hawk trainer chose "The Dichio Song" as Bitchy's "kill code"

 

3. Accountants cut Paul Mariner's wardrobe budget in half

 

2. Trainers forgot to tell Danny Koevermans that maple syrup isn't an energy drink

 

1. Mo Johnston waited 4 years and 364 days before getting to work on his 5 Year Plan