Around the holiday season, television is full of long in-depth documentaries about the natural world. You know the type - some David Attenborough wannabe hiding in the bushes while chimps smell their hindquarters in the distance. Gripping monkey action.
Well as a post-holiday treat we bring you another hard-hitting, likely award winning, up close and personal look at the wildlife that lives within the dangerous confines of BMO Field's terraces. For those of you who are nature buffs or for brave souls who may venture to the Lakeshore Jungle for the first time in 2010 - feel free to carry around this handy guide so you too can be a BMOspotter.
THE VETERANS (Veterelder Futbolis)
The sage and noble elder of the terraces can be seen dressed in a genteel manner and usually watch matches in small groups of three to four. Their grey haired heads can often be seen nodding wisely in a manner that denotes having seen most of what football has had to offer over the years. While no longer the loudest in the jungle, ancient memories of their past lives in windswept stadia across Europe often return with a loud cry of "Wanker!" at a passing referee.
ORIGINAL SPECIES: Liverpool, Rangers, Benfica
FOOLIGANS (Mimicus Millwallis)
This young brash brood roam the corners of the BMO jungle in the quest to be the dominant force among the crowd. While small in number they are often the most vocal of creatures known for their attempt at mimicry of the extinct 1970's European hooligan. While few have stepped into an actual European stadium, and fewer still were around in the 1970's, their love for wearing red kits (non-TFC) and boastful power drinking give them a self assured air of authority despite the fact that they would likely burst into tears if faced with a real "firm" from the bad old days.
ORIGINAL SPECIES: Manchester United, Arsenal, AC Milan
NEWLIGANS (Trendulus Uefas)
While the above mentioned Fooligan may be brash, there is usually some sort of heritage and staying power in the species. The Newligan however, is the younger hybrid in the supporter genus. Very new to the sport, they have taken the colours and plumage of a current glamour team in order to fit in amongst the more established members of the jungle. Famous for joining in chants with affected accents (and knowing some of the words) and also for having "a few" favourite teams.
ORIGINAL SPECIES: Chelsea, Real Madrid, the current Champions League Winner
While the above mentioned Fooligan may be brash, there is usually some sort of heritage and staying power in the species. The Newligan however, is the younger hybrid in the supporter genus. Very new to the sport, they have taken the colours and plumage of a current glamour team in order to fit in amongst the more established members of the jungle. Famous for joining in chants with affected accents (and knowing some of the words) and also for having "a few" favourite teams.
ORIGINAL SPECIES: Chelsea, Real Madrid, the current Champions League Winner
THE MISERY CASUALS (Negativum Doldrums)
This odd breed of supporter is usually scattered amongst the other species without purpose. Their dress is often casual and harkens back to the "hard man era" of British football but they are more noticeable by the look of despair on their faces. Many have strong ties to a club that has highly underachieved or has given them expectancy for the mediocre. No matter the score, the misery casual will likely be complaining or shaking their heads while expecting TFC to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
ORIGINAL SPECIES: Tottenham Hotspur, West Ham, Lazio
This odd breed of supporter is usually scattered amongst the other species without purpose. Their dress is often casual and harkens back to the "hard man era" of British football but they are more noticeable by the look of despair on their faces. Many have strong ties to a club that has highly underachieved or has given them expectancy for the mediocre. No matter the score, the misery casual will likely be complaining or shaking their heads while expecting TFC to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
ORIGINAL SPECIES: Tottenham Hotspur, West Ham, Lazio
EUROPOSEURS (Supremus Continentei)
You will never find this species wearing the colours of Toronto FC. Seemingly uninterested in the product on the pitch, the Europoseur would rather wax lyrically from behind a set of designer wraparound sunglasses. No matter how good the local team plays this well coiffed creature will crow loudly to all around that it's "not as good as" whatever European league they watch a handful of times a year. Their knowledge of the sport is usually illustrated by such insightful proclamations as "These guys should sign Vieri - then they'd be less sh*t!"
ORIGINAL SPECIES: Juventus, Inter Milan, Barcelona
You will never find this species wearing the colours of Toronto FC. Seemingly uninterested in the product on the pitch, the Europoseur would rather wax lyrically from behind a set of designer wraparound sunglasses. No matter how good the local team plays this well coiffed creature will crow loudly to all around that it's "not as good as" whatever European league they watch a handful of times a year. Their knowledge of the sport is usually illustrated by such insightful proclamations as "These guys should sign Vieri - then they'd be less sh*t!"
ORIGINAL SPECIES: Juventus, Inter Milan, Barcelona
THE PROFESSORS (Analysticus Fifax)
This strange breed of well-versed supporters usually travel in pairs and sit serenely if not quietly while combing over every pass with a fine tooth comb. When not attending BMO Field they can be found awake late at night watching Japanese League highlight shows or the Oceania Club Championship on a specialty channel. They have fantastic memories, especially for obscure players and clubs in far flung places - mostly from their hours spent playing Football Manager. They have seen TFC win the MLS Cup many times... on their computer.
ORIGINAL SPECIES: Ajax, Fulham, Bayer Leverkusen
This strange breed of well-versed supporters usually travel in pairs and sit serenely if not quietly while combing over every pass with a fine tooth comb. When not attending BMO Field they can be found awake late at night watching Japanese League highlight shows or the Oceania Club Championship on a specialty channel. They have fantastic memories, especially for obscure players and clubs in far flung places - mostly from their hours spent playing Football Manager. They have seen TFC win the MLS Cup many times... on their computer.
ORIGINAL SPECIES: Ajax, Fulham, Bayer Leverkusen
SUPER SOCCERERS! (Maternus Minivanis)
This large roaming breed always travels in large packs and carries enough rations to last through a season. The elders never roam far from their young who are often the most aggravating to all other species in the BMO jungle. With their high-pitched screams, flapping of novelty noise-makers and low attention spans they are the species most likely to be growled at by others. The elder of the species can be spotted by its constant handheld natural tool, aka Blackberry, and by the constant checking of their watch. At there most vocal an elder may be heard to say "C'mon FC's!!!" in a slightly raised tone.
ORIGINAL SPECIES: David Beckham's current club, Canadian Women's Team, their child's team
This large roaming breed always travels in large packs and carries enough rations to last through a season. The elders never roam far from their young who are often the most aggravating to all other species in the BMO jungle. With their high-pitched screams, flapping of novelty noise-makers and low attention spans they are the species most likely to be growled at by others. The elder of the species can be spotted by its constant handheld natural tool, aka Blackberry, and by the constant checking of their watch. At there most vocal an elder may be heard to say "C'mon FC's!!!" in a slightly raised tone.
ORIGINAL SPECIES: David Beckham's current club, Canadian Women's Team, their child's team
So there you have it nature lovers. There are of course many various breeds who roam the plains along Lake Ontario so be sure to take your binoculars, this handy guide and maybe a blow-dart. Chip Buttys are also good - they seem to like those. Happy hunting in 2010!
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Attenborough is gangsta... but, not all Gooners are Fooligans! ;)
ReplyDeleteOh we know that (God, I hate agreeing with a Gooner!). This is VERY much tongue in cheek and in no way says that all of those who support those "original" clubs fall into those categories. Nor do a lot of BMO-ites fall into any of these categories. But some do!
ReplyDeleteJust a bit of an off-season laugh to pass the time until MLS decides to cancel the season due to labour issues! Back to Woolwich you go now!