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11. All new MLS SuperDraft picks must do housework around owners' mansions
10. Players to get "Streamer-Related" injury pay
9. Bronze statue of shirtless Don Garber riding a lion unveiled in front of every MLS ground
8. Philadelphia no longer allowed to use "inflammatory" Union nickname
7. Released players get freedom of movement: choice between Kansas City and San Jose
6. Mo Johnston must immediately stop using trialists to build extension on his home
5. League can sell a player's rights to billionaires who hunt humans for sport
4. New DP's must donate 10% of salary to "charity" that buys new golf equipment for suffering, low-income, multi-millionaire football club owners
3. Better working conditions for the three construction workers on Columbus Crew's logo
2. Owners get to shoot Joe Cannon out of a cannon
1. Illiterate players get huge increase in celery caps
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