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Friday, May 28, 2010

THE MATCHUP: Early playoff tremors

Now that's an attacking option

SJ EARTHQUAKES (3rd) VS. TORONTO FC (8th)
 
Buck Shaw Stadium - Saturday, 10PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO & PACIFIC ---RADIO: The Fan590
 
When the 2010 MLS schedule was released, no one could be at fault for thinking this fixture would be one of the snoozers of the season. The two clubs, who have yet to make the playoffs in their existence, haven't been renowned for... what's the word?... winning. Yet, somehow, The Quakes and The Reds go into this clash as two of the hottest teams in the league right now.
 
The dozens gathered at San Jose's slightly large high school stadium, Buck Shaw, will see two clubs chasing that so far elusive playoff dream. Frank Yallop, Canada's best coach and dream candidate as TFC's next Director of Football, has built SJE into a solid squad with more offensive dynamism than TFC. Meanwhile, The Reds are at the tail end of a tough stretch and still haven't found that elusive 3 points on the road. Got ourselves a sweet NutCan though!
 
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Nothing In Common'er"
 
SEISMIC ACTIVITY: Bobby Convey MF, Chris Wondolowski FW, Joe Cannon GK/Porno
"RED"-DY TO RUMBLE: Nana Attakora D, Julian de Guzman MF, Chad Barrett FW
 
THE ODDS:
- Quakes' fans begging for the return of Nick Garcia: 500-1
- Frank Yallop welling up during Canadian anthem: 5-1
- Joe Cannon winning "Best Male Adult Film Star/ Goalkeeper": 3-1
- Earthquakes changing name and moving cities during halftime: 10-1
 
WHO ARE YA?
- San Jose constantly mocked by other California cities who claim Jose was a second rate Saint compared to Francisco, Diego or Barbara
- SJ Earthquakes consistently rank high on the Fortune 500 list of "Sports teams named after acts that cause great pain and suffering"
- Team staff has claimed to see the ghost of ex-Quake George Best raiding the office mini-bar on match days
- Buck Shaw Stadium was named after Rupert Buckworth Shaw III, a 19th Century playboy, armadillo tycoon and inventor of the modern earthquake
 
FRANK YALLOP'S PASSPORT SAYS: 1-1 Draw
GIANT CARNIVEROUS EARTHWORMS SAY: 1-0 San Jose
HEADLINE: "JOE CANNON BEATS OFF TFC IN MATCH CLIMAX"

4 comments:

  1. This is quality stuff. Thanks for the laugh!!

    -Quakes fan

    ReplyDelete
  2. Don't Fuck with Jesus' earth Dad

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  3. @ Anon 2:47

    If you are being sarcastic that's hilarious. If you are not - that's batshit scary!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Odds The Yorkies preview will be more entertaining than the game itself- 3-1

    ReplyDelete