THE MATCHUP: "Panama! Pana-maha!"

Whatever puts los bums in los seats

ARABE UNIDO (4th) VS. TORONTO FC (1st)
CONCACAF Champions League - Group A
　
Estadio Agustin Sanchez (La Chorrera) - Tuesday 8PM ET
TV: GOL TV
　
"Jump back, what's that sound? Here she comes, full blast and top down" Could David Lee Roth have sung more apt words about this Champions League matchup? Well, yes... I guess so. But can you do the splits in mid-air in leather skinny pants? Didn't think so smart-ass.
　
Matchday Two of CCL Group A has our suddenly shaky Reds travel as far south as possible without going to South America. Yes, it's Central America's dangly bit - Panama. However, if you are travelling away to see TFC play (seriously?) the match will not be in Colon at Arabe Unido's regular stadium but rather in the Panama City suburb of La Chorrera and its Estadio Agustin Sanchez - home of Arabe's rival San Francisco (not the good one - the Panamanian one). Arabe's Estadio Dely Valdes has been deemed too dubious even by CONCACAF's low standards as its pitch has divots the size of Datsuns. As a writer, the elimination of possible Colon jokes is very distressing - thanks CONCACAF.
　
TFC arrive in Panama (Pana-maha! Sorry - I loved 1984) a little shell-shocked. The Reds are stinging from a beating at home by New York on Saturday and face the highly unknown quantity of Arabe Unido. Media rumours of a Preki v Mista showdown at halftime are still simmering and it will be interesting to see if the Spanish star plays a part in this match, which will no doubt be Prekiball 101. What to expect of Arabe Unido? Well as the Toronto Sun's reporter Steve Sandor was quoted after their Real Salt Lake match - “I think Arabe Unido is the dirtiest team I’ve ever seen. Ever!”
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El David Lee Rotho"

PANAMANIANS: Orlando Rodriguez, Jose Justavino, Carlos Bejarano

PREKIPHILIACS: Stefan Frei, Dwayne De Rosario, Adrian Cann

　
THE ODDS:

- The 3000 capacity Estadio Agustin Sanchez having a crowd that Toronto Lynx would scoff at: 5-1

- TFC's press department issuing a hasty statement that Preki and Mista's "issue" was a minor disagreement over the exact length of the Panama Canal: 3-1

- TFC being falsely rumoured post-match to signing a "promising Panamanian": 2-1

- Above false rumour coming from a Scottish Egomanian: EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?

- The town of La Chorrera is most famous for its "Panamanian Museum of Festive Trousers" and also that it was the last town in the country to embrace indoor plumbing. The town's name loosely translates to "The Cholera"

- The match stadium was named after local tailor Agustin Sanchez, inventor of the "Panama Hat" and famous for fighting General Noriega's dictatorship with his homemade "Pineapple Cannon"

- The stadium uses Panama's latest "FieldoTurfo" technology which combines old carpets from Colonial hotels, nutmeg and chicken beaks to form the artificial surface.

- Panama's currency, the "Balboa", was named by the son of a former General who loved the "Rocky" series of films. It still angers Panama's famous boxer Roberto "No Mas" Duran everytime he buys groceries.
　
SAMMY HAGAR SAYS: 2-1 Arabe Unido

DAVID LEE ROTH SAYS: 1-0 Toronto

HEADLINE: “TFC MATCH MOVED - COLON JOKES RUINED"

Please raise and remove your hats for the National anthem...