The South Stand Report : Toronto v Arabe Unido... or Not dead, just pining for the fjords

The end. Not that phoney end on Saturday that I ditched to go to Montreal for, but the real end of the season. Our season has been one nice steady make-out session where you've gone further than "under the shirt-over the bra" at HER house, only to get denied by YOUR parents. The only release is that of anger and frustration.

Yes, it was elaborate.

As a future attendee of the much hallowed Town Hall, which should be renamed Smoke Blowing, I will choose to save the rage for Tommy. We know how this goes.

Bombing out of Champions League is just like attempts of Young Boys Bern, Panathinaikos and whatever that team Tommy Radzinski played for. One game, nothing to play for and against Wisla Krakow who are in the same boat.

Oh the magic of Champions League.

Predictions
- silence due to protest
- silence due to crap attendance
- a youth team player will have a legit chance at net, then turn to OBW yelling "seeeeee! Like that!"
- Arabe Unido will play dirty and cheat as hard as they can
- Arabe Unido 4, Toronto 2 (in yellow cards)

Starting XI

Conway
Garcia - Attakora - Henry - Gargan
Ibby - Morgan - deGoo - Labrocca
Lindsay - DeRo
(I think)

4 - Attakora takes a knock and goes off for a sip. He's OK.

7 - Ibrahim crosses the ball and gets stopped by a raised arm. No call.

16 - DeRo gets a deep ball into the corner, tries to chip the keeper, but he stops it.

Quote of the match:

I hope you're let go!

- random at Ibby after a few howlers

21 - for 40 seconds, Arabe are just playing with Garcia and Henry right now, how the cheats haven't scored I one yet.

25 - Arabe 11 takes a knock and rolls around like a bowling pin. Seriously piss off cheat.

26 - DeRo has a go from 20 yds out and slams over the north stand.

28 - Lindsay has a go from 25 yds out. Not much behind it but it is a real shot on target and that's a first for this game.

30 - GOAL - set piece from Labrocca, headed textbook style far left by Nana Attakora. Good stuff and well earned.

34 - YELLOW - Garcia for a late tackle though the ref missed an earlier one against TFC.

40 - YELLOW - Arabe player clothes line Labrocca. DeRo free hits the keeper and Ibby misses a sitter. The boy has been playing a howler so far. We need some more academy action soon.

1 min of extra time

Half time mood : youth good, old bad

45 - SUB - Harden in, Nana out. Huh? Nana was having a cracker of a game.

52 - Labrocca has a go from 5 yds out to the left of net and forces a solid save from the keeper.

61 - YELLOW - actually 2, Henry I think and some other blue cheater

65 - SUB - deGoo out, Oscar Cordon in. Sure.


68 - YELLOW - Lindsey for stuff

72 - Morgan is the Toronto Patrice Evra, holding off a defender while moving the ball forward, lays it off to DeRo who shoots, ends back at Morgan and he launches it at the net from 12 yds only to be stopped by the keeper. Killer stuff.

78 - Wow. Just heady stuff. DeRo-Lindsey-Labrocca are just cutting up Arabe right now.

79 - SUB - Lindsey off for OBW. Ummm... Mr. Dasovic... whiskey tango foxtrot?

81 - YELLOW - Gargan for not putting up with the cheaters sh*t

83 - Labrocca lays a pass to Cordon and he skies the ball. Not everyone's first senior attempt at goal goes in...

88 - YELLOW - someone got booked. Labrocca? All I know is my predictions are way off there...

90 - YELLOW - Arabe for dissention

3 min of extra time

FULL TIME : Toronto 1, Arabe Unido 0

Man of the Match : Attakora for the first half, Lindsay for a quarter and Morgan for another quarter.

Goat of the Game : Fuad Ibrahim. Three words kid, "Danish Third Division". What a brutal game. With the chances he was getting, I'd rather see what OBW could've done instead. Super frustrating.

(You should really click on the link all the same... best name ever? Perhaps)

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5. Equally terrible on both sides of the ball but let a few close ones go. Handed out cards like it was invitations to his birthday party.

I was going to tear a strip into Dasovic for his substitutions, but lets be honest folks - it really doesn't matter. In fact, we were pleasantly surprised with the efforts of some of the kids. Morgan and Lindsay have some promise. Perhaps the lack of pressure for a result in the game gave them the perfect opportunity to show us what they're capable of. And for once, I like it and am a little upset I didn't take advantage of watching more Academy games.

It's just too easy to be a pessimist right now. Nothing but bad news coming out of TFC's camp lately and we're all a little disgruntled, to be kind. I wanted something positive out of this game and I got it. Besides, April is a long ways away and there's plenty of time to bitch, piss and moan around here before then.

THE MATCHUP: Blah-nama

Noriega: Panamanian. Not likely in attendance

TORONTO FC (3rd) VS. ARABE UNIDO (4th)
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE GROUP A

BMO FIELD - TUESDAY 8PM ET
TV: GOL TV

There's a lot of nights when being a D-List blogger for a C-list team in a B-list league can be rewarding... this is not one of them. The final match of the CONCACAF Champions League Group Stage promises to have all the excitement, importance and passion of a pre-season friendly - minus a big name opponent like Charleston Battery. In all likelihood, this match will feature two sides full of youth players and fringe grinders in front of the smallest crowd in TFC's home venue history. Hurray. If you think this is an important fixture... don't read on.

Here are some matches with higher importance on Tuesday's football calendar:

• Schneider's House League Final: AC Bologne v Wienerstadt
• Co-ed Gay Pride League : All-Man City v Sporting Lesbians
• Bobby (Age 10) v Billy (Age 11) Subbuteo Table Football
• Desert Island Semi: Harlem Globetrotters v Robot 11
• Sexy Ghost Friendly: George Best v Bikini-Clad Angels FC
• Yorkshire Dog League: Sheffield Thursday v Sheffield Monday
• Dyslexic World Cup Final: Zarbil v Mergany

If this isn't serious enough for you we will pause and give you the chance to enjoy a great feat of engineering and the pride of our opponent's homeland - Panama. Enjoy this timelapse crossing of the Panama Canal...

Wow. Fascinating.
Can I be serious for a moment? This may be the last chance to see many of the "stars" of TFC 2010 at home. If by some chance, ML$E actually hires a legitimate, respected Director of Football, let's take the time to say goodbye to: Raivis Hscanovics, Maxim Usanov, Ty Harden, Nick Garcia, those wacky Gambian kids, Martin Saric, Jacob Peterson, Mista, O'Brian White, Gabe Gala, Fuad Ibrahim and most of the coaching staff. If however, ML$E does their usual and hires from within... say goodbye to... Frank - the guy who makes the souvlaki in the south end of BMO. Thanks for the memories/ garlic sauce Frank.

Ladies and gentleman... Van Halen!

Big thanks to David Lee, Eddie... those other two... for performing the Panamanian national anthem.

Enjoy the match everyone! For those of you heading to BMO Field, remember... protest early, protest often. Don't forget though - next time you see TFC will be in the spring... and they will be signing trialists and out-of contract guys from the Moldovan league (Hi Rohan Ricketts!). So cherish these moments.

Sing it one last time (because Vancouver's going next year) "The Chaaaaaaam-pionnnns!"

AFTER 90: "Pana-mess! Pana-me-hess!"

Dave looks how we feel

ARABE UNIDO 1 - TORONTO FC 0

David Lee Roth is spinning in his grave. This is not the way "Panama!" was supposed to be. It was gonna be about doing the splits in mid-air, hitting giant cymbols covered in glitter and being "hot for teachers" dammit! While Toronto FC did indeed travel in body down to Central America's dangly bit, they definitely left their competitive spirit on the baggage carousel at Panama City's Eduardo Van Halen Airport.

Oh the excuses will be fast and furious on Tuesday night and into Wednesday morning. Aaah! - the terrible pitch (yes, shiny green carpet); Oooh! - those dirty Panamanian floppers (true, mucho flopista); Whoah! - what a crappy stadium (Scarborough's Birchmount Stadium is fancier) Ack! - that referee was terrible (uh-huh, it's CONCACAF Town, baby); but the sad, hard truth was that this loss came from the top. If a club plays like its manager, then Preki led by example by not taking this match seriously at all.

The reality is that this match was there for the taking. Arabe Unido is a sub-par CONCACAF CL club and were not even playing anywhere near their hometown. The three points were indeed very available. Instead, Preki decided to trot out a TFC B squad (although how you tell the difference recently I don't now) and the scrappy (see dirty) Arabe Unido made the most of it. Yes, the Panamanians only managed one sloppy goal from defender Fidel Cesar but TFC's starting offensive "weapons" of O'Brian White and Fuad Ibrahim were laughable. Preki's only defense is that Mo Johnston has failed miserably to build a squad capable of a MLS playoff run and a CCL challenge simultaneously. That being said, TFC lost a chance for at least one point if arrogance and/or lethargy hadn't ruled the contest.

Oh, by the way... Mista didn't play. But there's no problem there! Keep repeating that until you believe it.

MAN OF THE MATCH: Eric Davis (Arabe Unido)... for having the least Panamanian name

GOAT OF THE MATCH: Preki (TFC)... Prekiball un grandos catastrophia!

MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Floppy. Dirty. Red Cards. Waste.

SENSATIONAL HEADLINE: "PANAMANIANS CANAL-LY PROBE SLEEPY TFC"

TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "While I may look like a mild-mannered accountant, let me tell you I am plenty steamed. I am calling the law offices of Cellino, Barnes and La Brocca as soon as we get out of this country and that referee can expect a class action lawsuit on behalf of me Nicholas La Brocca - Attorney-at-law, and my client Fuad Ibrahim!"- Lawyer-featured Nick La Brocca discusses the red cards given to himself and Fuad Ibrahim

THE MATCHUP: "Panama! Pana-maha!"

Whatever puts los bums in los seats

ARABE UNIDO (4th) VS. TORONTO FC (1st)
CONCACAF Champions League - Group A
　
Estadio Agustin Sanchez (La Chorrera) - Tuesday 8PM ET
TV: GOL TV
　
"Jump back, what's that sound? Here she comes, full blast and top down" Could David Lee Roth have sung more apt words about this Champions League matchup? Well, yes... I guess so. But can you do the splits in mid-air in leather skinny pants? Didn't think so smart-ass.
　
Matchday Two of CCL Group A has our suddenly shaky Reds travel as far south as possible without going to South America. Yes, it's Central America's dangly bit - Panama. However, if you are travelling away to see TFC play (seriously?) the match will not be in Colon at Arabe Unido's regular stadium but rather in the Panama City suburb of La Chorrera and its Estadio Agustin Sanchez - home of Arabe's rival San Francisco (not the good one - the Panamanian one). Arabe's Estadio Dely Valdes has been deemed too dubious even by CONCACAF's low standards as its pitch has divots the size of Datsuns. As a writer, the elimination of possible Colon jokes is very distressing - thanks CONCACAF.
　
TFC arrive in Panama (Pana-maha! Sorry - I loved 1984) a little shell-shocked. The Reds are stinging from a beating at home by New York on Saturday and face the highly unknown quantity of Arabe Unido. Media rumours of a Preki v Mista showdown at halftime are still simmering and it will be interesting to see if the Spanish star plays a part in this match, which will no doubt be Prekiball 101. What to expect of Arabe Unido? Well as the Toronto Sun's reporter Steve Sandor was quoted after their Real Salt Lake match - “I think Arabe Unido is the dirtiest team I’ve ever seen. Ever!”
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El David Lee Rotho"

PANAMANIANS: Orlando Rodriguez, Jose Justavino, Carlos Bejarano

PREKIPHILIACS: Stefan Frei, Dwayne De Rosario, Adrian Cann

　
THE ODDS:

- The 3000 capacity Estadio Agustin Sanchez having a crowd that Toronto Lynx would scoff at: 5-1

- TFC's press department issuing a hasty statement that Preki and Mista's "issue" was a minor disagreement over the exact length of the Panama Canal: 3-1

- TFC being falsely rumoured post-match to signing a "promising Panamanian": 2-1

- Above false rumour coming from a Scottish Egomanian: EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?

- The town of La Chorrera is most famous for its "Panamanian Museum of Festive Trousers" and also that it was the last town in the country to embrace indoor plumbing. The town's name loosely translates to "The Cholera"

- The match stadium was named after local tailor Agustin Sanchez, inventor of the "Panama Hat" and famous for fighting General Noriega's dictatorship with his homemade "Pineapple Cannon"

- The stadium uses Panama's latest "FieldoTurfo" technology which combines old carpets from Colonial hotels, nutmeg and chicken beaks to form the artificial surface.

- Panama's currency, the "Balboa", was named by the son of a former General who loved the "Rocky" series of films. It still angers Panama's famous boxer Roberto "No Mas" Duran everytime he buys groceries.
　
SAMMY HAGAR SAYS: 2-1 Arabe Unido

DAVID LEE ROTH SAYS: 1-0 Toronto

HEADLINE: “TFC MATCH MOVED - COLON JOKES RUINED"

Please raise and remove your hats for the National anthem...

Hola! Know your CCL Group Stage

-----------------------------18 looks confused

Buenos dios to the Group Stage of CONCACAF Champions League El Toronto! For the first time in Los Reds history they will play in the CCL proper and with it travel the continent (and its little dangly bit below) in the quest to bring a Quarterfinal to Toronto... in February. You can hear chattering Latin American teeth from here. Before that though, TFC must navigate through the wild locales of Mexico, Panama and er... Utah. Let's take a look (or dos look if you please) at TFC's Group A opponents.

ARABE UNIDO - Estadio Armand Dely Valdes - Colon, Panama

Toronto FC haven't travelled this far south since their last place finish in Year One! Badum-dum! I'm here all week - try the burrito. Arabe Unido, and their tiny, decrepit stadium are the enigma of Group A. On paper they look like the poor minnow of the group but Manager Richard Parra led them to a CCL Quarterfinal appearance in 2009/2010 and they are 6-time Panamanian Champions. Also, their canal kicks the Welland Canal's ass.

PLAYER MAXIM USANOV SHOULD PUNCH: Orlando Rodriguez FW

ACTUAL NICKNAMES/ POORLY TRANSLATED NICKNAMES:

"La Furia Colonense" = "The Painful Colonoscopy"

"Los Arabes" = "The Lost Arabians"

"DAU" = ("Dos Awkwardo Unclos") "The Inappropriate Uncles"

CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS:

Manuel Noriega - Dictator/ Pineapple features

Ghost of John Frank Stevens - Engineer of the Panama Canal/ dead

Van Halen - 80's Supergroup/ Hot teacher enthusiasts

LIKELY TABLOID PUN-HEADLINES:

"TFC BLOCKED IN COLON"

"PANAMANIA RUNS WILD OVER REDS"

"TORONTO READY FOR CANAL PROBE IN COLON"

CHIP BUTTY EQUIVALENT:

"La Grande Caliente Colon"

CRUZ AZUL - Estadio Azul - Mexico City, Mexico

This is indeed the big one of the group. You haven't heard of Cruz Azul? You could call them the Barcelona of CONCACAF. Yes the Mexican superclub are pretty big nacho cheeses down at the cracker factory. Manager Enrique Meza leads the club into the Group Stage with only one goal - straight to the final... again. Cruz Azul are 5 time CONCACAF club champions as well as owning 8 Mexican Championships, 2 Copa Mexico trophies and 5 Copa Pachucas. If they don't win Group A, it will be a grandos shock.

PLAYER MAXIM USANOV SHOULD PUNCH: Emanuel Villa FW

ACTUAL NICKNAMES/ POORLY TRANSLATED NICKNAMES:
"La Maquina Celeste" = "The Cheese Machines"
"Los Cementeros" = "The Last Sidewalk"
"El Chemo" = "The Chemotherapists"

CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS:
Speedy Gonzales - Cartoon Mexican politician/ Sombrero collector
Los Lobos - 80's not-so-supergroup/ Richie Valens debtors
The Taco Bell Dog - Canine taco pitchman/ deceased Chihuahua

LIKELY TABLOID PUN-HEADLINES:
"CRUZ AZUL GIVE TFC CONCRETE BOOTS"
"MEXICANS CEMENT PLACE IN NEXT ROUND"

" AZUL CRUZ AT BMO FIELD"

CHIP BUTTY EQUIVALENT:
"El Amigo Chipotle"


REAL SALT LAKE - Rio Tinto Stadium - Sandy, Utah, USA

The reigning MLS Champions will be TFC's most familiar rival and one who have been a tough opponent for The Reds in the past. RSL manager Jason Kreis will hope that familiarity will help them get past fellow CCL debutantes TFC. With a MLS league match in Toronto on August 28th these two teams will be on a first-name basis. Despite their name, RSL are the least Latino of Toronto's opponents. For Real.

PLAYER MAXIM USANOV SHOULD PUNCH: Nick Rimando GK

ACTUAL NICKNAMES/ POORLY TRANSLATED NICKNAMES:

"Royals" = "The Osmond Family"
"RSL" = "Deportivo La Utah Jazz"
"Monarcas" = "The Butterflies"

CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS:

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Singers/ No fun at parties
John Stockton & Karl Malone - Jazz duo/ Short shorts enthusiasts
Polygamists - Wife hoarders/ Bill Paxton fans

LIKELY TABLOID PUN-HEADLINES:

"RSL GET 3 POINTS - 3 WIVES"
"SLUGGISH REDS COVERED IN SALT"
"KYLE BECKERMAN DREADS NATTY DRAW MON"

CHIP BUTTY EQUIVALENT:
"The Holy Union of 1 Potato and Multiple Bread Slices"