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Friday, November 12, 2010

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Sieben - How to get to Yonge Strasse?

7 AM: Achtung! Buzzed by the Awaking Siren at Toronto hotel. Today is full of excitement - I am proclaimed as Konsültant und Field Marshall at FC Toronto. Did not sleep gut. Luft Kanada Airline was like Hobo Lufthansa and Toronto night was cold like Lothar Matthäus handshake. Dreamt of my dear kitty Karl-Heinz then met by sleep.
7:15 AM: Looking out of hotel window. Was ist das giant CNN tower building? Tall, yet cold and grey... almost German. Toronto ist like Berlin... without good bier.
8AM: Breakfast: Das Kontinental breakfast has brought great shame to mouth region. Why must this hotel make a mockery of sausage?! Am rethinking this Kanadian mission. Mood has become sullen. I banish tray from room.
9 AM: Call home to Kalifornia - get hausfrau to put mein kitty-cat Karl-Heinz on the telefon. He ist the only one who gets me. Love that fuzzy cool dude!
10 AM: Herr Anselmi, Chancellor of FC Toronto, will be taking me on das tour of his favorit places in die city in gold plated limo.
12 PM: Das tour is over. Herr Anselmi took me to four banks und zie underground bunker of Maple Leaf Sportlich Und Unterhaltung. I think he asks if I want to try "a panda bear sandwich" but must be my poor Kanadian language. Why does Fussball Klub owner need ein giant laser?
1 PM: Lunch: How can metropolis of millions not provide a pickled herring luncheon?! Settle for traditional Kanadian meal consisting of Hamburger SV and carved potatoes lined in orderly fashion. Der horseradish is a disgrace - cannot taste horse nor radish. Hunger destroyed, craving of herring remains.
2 PM: Arrive at Bee Moe Stadt for konference with Toronto telecommunicätions media. Why are they all Englanders? Und why do they think I am responsible for fixing die Klub? Herr Anselmi will make das decision! The telefünken press does not ask difficult questions. Reminded me of press meeting at Tottenham when Teddy Sheringham would refuse to wear der pants! His Dummerchen wafting about like flagge! Herr Anselmi very quiet in der konference, just kept whispering “excellent... excellent”. Media think I am wonderful. They are not incorrect. Now ist the time where I depart.
4 PM: Souvenir shopping on Yonge Strasse. Bought Karl-Heinz special Kanada Kitty gift. Küte!
5 PM: At Herr Lester Pearson Flughafen awaiting flight back to Kalifornia. Eat Kanadian bacon sandwich to avoid food on Luft Kanada in-flight meal. I do not yet understand the Kanadian cuisine. What kind of flughafen lounge does not sell tripe or even beef tongue?
7 PM: In-flight television machine has become tiresome. No more eis hockey documentary! Scheisse! Guten thing I downloaded # 1 German sit-com “Your Uncle Has Become Suicidal” und latest “Deutschland’s Funniest Chemical Disasters” Now dass ich quality unterhaltung!
10 PM: Arrive home. Defrost herring. Tell Karl-Heinz of my Kanadian mission. We have tender tickling and emotional bonding. Wunderbar.
11 PM: Erotische zeit.
11:55 PM: Texten message from Herr Anselmi: “Thanks for that! We sold 500 tickets today! Will FedEx you some Panda tomorrow!” Kanada is strange.
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No panda was schnitzeled in the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.

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