Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Vierzehn - What is this Wendelclaärk?

8:45 AM: Oh mein Gott! Have slept late! Forgot to programmen der awaken siren. It was the mistake to stay up and watch hilarious German komedy film "This Marriage Has Broken My Soul". Must arise schnell! Where are meine underlederhosen?
　
8:55 AM: Mein SchwarzBerry is full of texten messages from FC Toronto Chancellor Herr Anselmi. Keep forgetting about der time zonen difference! Dummkopf! WIll tend to der business but must feed beloved kitty kat Karl-Heinz first.
　
9 AM: Breakfast: Liberate herring and pickled beet omelette from plate. French cuisine made superior with der German ingredient occupation. Milk moustachen makes me look like old Rudi Völler!
　
10 AM: Great Beckenbauer's Ghostën! Another texten message from Herr Anselmi! Eagerly wants me to attenden zie MajorLiga Soccer Cup FInal in Toronto. Says ticket sales are "in the toilet". Why ist the tickets in der toilette? Dass is why Bee Moe Stadt will be empty? Was that ein German toilette joke? Kanadian humour escapes my reach.
　
10:30 AM: Need to relax. Hausefrau to give me seaweed und saurkraut massage followed by three minutes reminder that I am a disappointment to my father. Why vater why? Ready for the day.
　
11:30 AM: Talk to Maple Leaf Sportlich und Underhaltung Chancellor Anselmi and Kommandant Beirne for lengthy duration. I ask how they want FC Toronto to play like? They answer “like eis hockey Maple Leaves.” What ist der philosophy you want I say? They say “heart and der grit... like eis hockey.” I say was ist der player you would like? They say something like “der Wendelclaärk or Der Duggy!” Was ist der Wendelclaärk und Duggy? It is Kanadian machine for the excavation? Ich bin confused! I tell them I must call back later. Their idiocy has become tiresome and they have brought great darkness to my cheerful Bavarian personality.
　
11:45 AM: Nackt Yoga.
　
11:55 AM: Polizei knock on door. Complaint from neighbour due to Nackt Yoga.
　
1 PM: Lunch: Have retreated from plans to invade last evening's leftover Blood Sausage. Instead open can of German favorit "Chef Boy-är-Dieter" Noodle & Liverwurst flavor. Eat out of can und watch German satellite TV show "Late Night mit Gerd Müller" mit special guest Run Lola Runfrau.
　
3 PM: Call back Kanada. Interrupt MLEssen meeting. Herr Anselmi says not to worry - secret virgin ritual can wait for later. He asks if I have made new TFC philosophy. I tell him dass I am thinking FC Toronto should emulate style of 1990's Borussia Dortmund. There was long silence on telefon. I think I am hearing Herr Anselmi whispering - something, something "like leafenraptors" something, something "cheapest available" then I think I am hearing a goat... then something "Kokrane und Jimmy Bee" and then "replace him mit Dichio in July". Then Anselmi came back on der telefon and says "Great Jürgen, this Russian Door Mound Style sounds terrific. Our board will look it over and choose what works in this hard-nosed, low-on-talent but high-on-grit style you chose." I start yelling that “dies ist not what I say” but the telefon went dead.
　
5 PM: Have been sitting with Karl-Heinz in die dark. Was jüst happened? Why did Herr Anselmi not understand me? Is it mein poor Kanadian Englische? Why does he want all players on der klub to have das handlebar moustachen?
　
6 PM: Herr Anselmi texten again - really wants me at MajorLiga Pokal Final. I say “who is playing?” He answers "Colorado Rockies und Texas". Told him I must be in Vegas with Teddy Sheringham that night... and washing mein hair.
　
8 PM: The Dinner: Today's meeting angered mein appetite. Only eat 5 bratwürst, 2 pork schnitzel and barely touched mein potato & eel salat. Defeat is upon me.
　
8:30 PM: Time for "CSI: Frankfurt"
　
9:30 PM: Erotische Zeit
　
10:30 PM: It has been scheisse day! Something is rotten in Düsseldorf! Am I not das konsültant? Am I jüst der ticket monkey? This cannot be - I am World Cup legend! I want to fixen FC Toronto but was ist “the Anaheim Ducks method”? Today is boring me. Kraftwerk's Greatest Hits and Ovaltine mit Jagermeister will bring end to my dark day.
　
　
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No moustachen was handlebarred in the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.