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Friday, January 21, 2011

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day 75 - Auf wiedersehen Toronto, Kanada

7 AM: Departing on zie early morgen flight form LAX flughafen to der Toronto, Kanada Baron Lester V. Pearson flughafen. Today ist finale wrap-up address with FC Toronto staffen under strict direction of Chancellor Herr Anselmi. Will not be saddened over loss of Luft Kanada Airlines. Ist like riding on das Wuppertal Suspended Railway for hours in sky - but mit worse föod und more eishockey dokümentary.
8:30 AM: No timen for die hearty breakfast before departure so I bring mein special "Stuttgart Sunrise" Pöwer Shaken in mein onboard lüggagetrunken. I request a bendy straw from die sexy luft waitress but she claims there is no bendy straws on die aircraft. Schiesse! "Lies, lies, lies!" I yell - but mein anger falls on deaf Kanadian ears. I am forced to drink Pöwer Shaken (lingenberry, limes, herring, horseradish und marzipan) from die Tüpperware cup like some kinderdumkopf! Herr across aisle turns up nose at mein shaken, I tell him to “chill out dude!”
10 AM: Lose patience mit in-flighten audiovisual system. Vas ist die “Corner Petroleum” programmen? Ee ist neither humourous nor edukational auf role of petroleum prices und their residual effekt on der Western ekonömy! Thankful that I uploaden zie latest German slapstick komedy filmen “Your Family Never Loved You”. Hilarity.
3 PM (Kanada Timen): Toronto is colder than der embrace of Lothar Matthäus. Temperature effects my nether region in der adverse way.
3:30 PM: In transit to MLS und E secret bunker. I asken mein driver, Nick Garcia, to stoppen so I can try famous Toronto strasse frankfurter, or as is called in Kanada “Der Street Meat”. After one bite I throw this strassemeat on der pavement. Dies ist disgrace to the City of Frankfurt! Und I spillen die relish on mein loafer! Schiesse!
4 PM: Arriven at MLS und E bunker. Herr Anselmi willkommen me mit bundeshüg und tells der JimmyBee to get me the espresso. Der JimmyBee must have got der promotion as Herr Anselmi only refers to him as “Mr. Coffee”. I did not konsült such a personnel movement yet I think er ist perfekt for job! Herr Anselmi tells me all is happy mit TFC again and he is pleased mit my signing of “Jonathan Winters”. I correct him that it is Aron Winter but he rides away on die back of Earl of Cockrain and says “thanks for everything Jerry Klugman!”
4:30 PM: Texten message from olden freund Rudi Völler: Why must you hire die Nederlander für FC Toronto trainer?! You know how Rudi feels for zie Nederlander! Rudi spitten on your choice! Poor Rudi, always mit his moustachen in der knot!
4:45 PM: Before leaving der MLS und E bunker, JimmyBee... er Mr.Coffee und die Giant Dichio bring me der spëcial giften basket from Herr Anselmi as departing gift mit card attached saying "To Jerry... I don't care what The History Channel says, you German-types are fine by me! Heil soccer! T.A. & The gang!" Strange man. Giften basket is containing der following köntents: 1 satchel "Fancy Mixed Nuts"; Autograffen fotograf of eishockey legend Dan Daoust; 2 kilogram of pickled Cantonese panda meat; DVD box set of "Battle of the Blades - Season 2"; Der coupon for "One Free Crime of My Choice in the Greater Toronto Area"; a small creature in a cage mit direktion "Do Not Feed After Midnight"; XBox 360; jar full mit ground unicorn horn; der "Leafs Nation" tea towel; a platinum keycard mit wörds "Pleasure Chamber" engraved on one side; World War III sniper rifle; limited time Maple Leafs donut from Tim Horton’s; und finale... die map to “2012 Ark”.
6 PM: Say last auf wiedersehen to Toronto skyline und kiss to both cheeks of limo driver Nick Garcia. Tells me he is to return to Kalifornia to “work on his music”. Says we should “meet up for lunch”, I say “no danke”. Buy die maple syrup von Kanada in der Düty Free. Get texten message from Herr Anselmi before boarding Luft Kanada Airlines: Jerry - best if you don’t take that gift basket through customs LOL! Again - was ist die lol?
8 PM: Try to rest on flight back to LAX flughafen by watching iPäd foto slideshow of mein kitty kat best friend Karl-Heinz dressed as famous footballers of the 1980’s. Karl-Heinz as 1985 Peter Beardsley in der Newcastle kit is mein favorit! Watch die uploaded German night-time talk show “I Watch You Sleep mit Boris Becker" - special guest, a dog dressed as transvestite Ivan Lendl.
8:30 PM (Kalifornia Timen): Arrive at LAX flughafen. Immediately pulled aside by der Fatherland Security. I am thinking large man is wanting mein autograf but instead he says “is this gift basket yours sir?” Schiesse.
8:45 PM: Full body kävity search. Not entirely unpleasant.
9:00 PM: Fatherland Security man returns, says that he “didn’t know I was friends with Grand Elk Anselmi” und was free to leave.
9:15 PM: Last küstoms officer at LAX flughafen asken “Anything to declare?” - I answer “$400,000 dollars for three months work ist wunderbar!”

“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No dogs were dressed as tranvestite Ivan Lendl during the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke


  1. Solid series. A fitting conclusion, but needed more references to "hunger must be driven into the sea" and "chocolate Santas filled mit ground beef". Loved the series. Thanks for these.


  2. Sorry to see this series end.....but then this is ML$E. There is always another comedy around the corner with 'dem zany guys.....yuk, yuk, yuk.......Keep it coming.