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Sunday, May 1, 2011

AFTER 90: "Smells Like No Team Spirit"

Immobile and lacking flexibilty. Like TFC's defence.

It's late (eff you Pacific Time Zone... you too Sir Sanford Fleming). We thus forgo the usual pre-amble to instead offer this tome in the style of Seattle poem "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by one K. Cobain.
Tune into Gol, it's time for Reds
We need a win, let's not pretend
Seattle's hard and self-assured
Let's break a leg, oops - dirty word
Total, Total, Total, Total Football
Total, Total, Total
Without Zakuani, they're less dangerous
Aron Winter, entertain us
Time for kick-off, Qwest's raucous
Aron Winter, entertain us!
1' - No sign of John Lithgow. "Harry and the Hendersons Night" was indeed a prank. Disappointing. Kick-off...
2' - Sounders supporters' band makes it sound like The Santa Claus Parade is going to march through Qwest Field
7' - TFC off to their patented "Total Shaky Start". Ball barely out of Reds' half
9' - GOAL: Seattle's Alvaro Fernandez connects his head onto cross with zero challenge from Dan Gargan who was "covering" him
15' - Sounders' playbook exposed. 1) Look for Dan Gargan. 2) Aim. 3) Fire. 4) Giggle.
19' - Dicoy Williams just heard about his countryman O'Brian White's surgery. BLOOD CLOT!
21' - Drew Carey threatens to sue TFC as their defence does a terrible impression of Price is Right game "Plinko"
25' - Maicon Santos' un-Brazilian alter-ego Mike Sanders is in the house. Painfully inept "offence" from TFC
28' - Alen Stevanovic links up with Javier Martina for the first TFC chance but Seattle do enough to temper the Dutchman's run at goal
33' - Seattle's offence almost looks bored... as if they know they can just score goals later if needed
35' - Sounders' Fernandez tries to make it two but his glancing header saved by Stefan Frei
41' - Surprising lack of Grunge-related chants from Seattle supporters. Would it kill you to do "Spoon Man"?
45' + - First half mercifully ends with TFC looking like a Division Two club getting to play a "big" club in the FA Cup. Scoreline flatters.
45' - SUB: Mike Sanders out for Mikael "Watch" Yourassowsky
46' - TFC's patented "Total Shaky Start" (Part II) in full effect. Frei the only thing between a Fredy Montero goal
48' - Stefan Frei with another massive save off of Brad Evans boot. Frei must be begging FC Zurich to call in July.
51' - GOAL: Frei could just do no more as Brad Evans had a free run at goal and blasted it past "The Goalblerone"
56' - SUB: Nathan Sturgis in for Julian de Guzman. I guess that's kind of a thing.
58' - Does The Space Needle have a rotating restaurant too? Maybe just a Starbucks?
61' - SUB: Alen Stevanovic out Matt Gold makes his pro debut.
62' - Pretty sure Bob de Klerk just said "I love Gooooooold!"
69' - Frei having to make save after save. Grasshopper? Young Boys?
73' - PENALTY: A dodgy call on possible handball from Yourassowsky. GOAL: Brad Evans puts it past poor Stefan Frei. So-so penalty but a more than justified scoreline
76' - Sigi Schmid considering putting Frasier's dog into the match for Kasey Keller
80' - A Yourassowsky blast actually forces Kasey Keller to make a save... and get up from his nap
84' - Sorry... drifted off trying to remember if there were any other sitcoms set in Seattle
88' - Jacob Peterson and Javier Martina almost hook up for a late goal. They know this ended an hour and a half ago right?
90+ - Mercy. Final whistle ends an ugly affair for TFC without a single sighting of a Sasquatch, Spoon Man or Kelsey Grammar. Rip off.
What can really be said about this utter mess of a match? Truly the worst outing Toronto FC has had in 2011 and a bit shocking to see such regression. The big win against the lower division FC Edmonton proved to be a false dawn as nothing on The Reds clicked tonight. The impotent offence was only saved from blushes by the truly porous defence. The only saving grace for The Reds is that their next match is once again against Edmonton which may restore a little faith in the club, but that will likely only last until the next league match. With still only one MLS win to their name in 2011 and with a performance that made them seem a division lower in class than Seattle, Aron Winter is going to be using his favourite word "pity" a lot tonight.
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Dan Gargan 5 / Dicoy Williams 5.5 / Adrian Cann 6 / Danleigh Borman 5.5 / Julian de Guzman 6 / Maicon Santos 5.5 / Jacob Peterson 6 / Javier Martina 6.5 / Alan Gordon 6 / Alen Stevanovic 6 SUBS: Mikael Yourassowsky 6 / Matt Gold 6 / Nathan Sturgis 5.5
TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Stefan Frei. Poor, poor Stefan Frei.
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: So many choices but... Dan Gargan. Enough.
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Tossed salad and scrambled eggs.


  1. Safe to say this is the 2nd worst road performance I have ever seen TFC make, number one being the 5-0 redbull debacle. Winter must be going nuts.

  2. I'm not entirely sure what should be said of that mess. Frei deserves better than this...

  3. " Stefan Frei. Poor, poor Stefan Frei."