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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

THE MATCHUP: Panama! Pana-ma-ha!

"Please do the air splits for the National Anthem of Panama"

TAURO FC VS. TORONTO FC
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE - GROUP C
 
ESTADIO ROMMEL FERNANDEZ - THURSDAY 8PM ET
TV: SETANTA (Free View)
 
THE KICKABOUT:
- Will Aron Winter trump his Toronto predecessors and take the CCL seriously or will it be a 6-game audition for 2012 jobs?
- How will the team react with its leader Torsten Frings out on a yellow card suspension?
- With ready-made excuses like humidity, wacky pitches and travel at hand, will The Reds have the fortitude to go for 3 points?
- Will Andy Iro need to wear a straight jacket to avoid the wrath of the always card-happy and overzealous CONCACAF "referees"?
- What happens to the space-time continuum when TFC meets TFC?
 
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El Doppelganger"
 
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TAURO FC: Javier Dussan, Juan Perez, Temistocles Perez
TORONTO FC: Richard Eckersley, Peri Marosevic, Joao Plata
 
THE ODDS:
- Crooked CONCACAF referees unsure of which TFC they were supposed to fix the match for: 20-1
- Confused American broadcasters referring to the clubs as "TFC Ole" and "TFC Eh": 30-1
- David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar uniting to belt out Panamanian National Anthem - "Panama!": 50-1
 
WHO ARE YA?
- FIFA is rumoured to be interested in holding a bi-annual "TFC World Cup" featuring Toronto FC, Tauro FC, Toulouse FC, Torino FC and Fiji's Tavua FC
- The dodgy artificial pitch at Tauro's Estadio Rommel Fernandez almost caused CONCACAF to relocate Thursday's match aboard a tanker ship floating down the Panama Canal
- To entice fans, it is also "Noriega Bobblehead Night" at Tauro's ground. The first 1,000 fans receive the likeness of the infamous dictator - which is actually just a pineapple with a bendy-straw stuck in the bottom
 
THE WAGER: 0-0 Draw (2011: 18-15 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "REDS PREPARE FOR CANAL PROBE"

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