THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto FC v Tauro FC... or Taking the inflatable bull by the horns!

You ever get the feeling that tonight's game is going to let you down. I get that a lot lately, and I get a sense that better football is played when I'm not watching. I'd rather have been asleep, to be fair, but this is love... devotion... masochism.Predictions : 4-0, 2-0, 3-0, 3-1 all for the red version of TFC tonight

-72' - I receive my season's tickets renewal notice. This MUST be a ploy so that when the excited 5000+ people return home from their thrashing of Panama's finest, the renewals will be instant. [between when I received the email and a half an hour in, believe me when I say NOTHING of note happened, short of a homeless man in a TFC Robert away kit asked for change outside of an upscale Italian restaurant in Liberty Village]

31' - Thoughts of Suarez distract Soolsma long enough to botch an excellent cross from Marosevic. (for those that don't know, Suarez would be Soolsma's cat)

35' - Johnson crosses uncontested to find the head of Andy Iro and skies the ball dropping several feet behind the goal line.

37' - YELLOW - Dunfield goes into the books for pulling someone off of the ball.

40' - GOAL - After some goal mouth pinball, it finds the head of Koevermans and puts it past the keeper. Shortly thereafter, possibly in the goal celebration, Koevermans takes a ringer in "the lowlands" (if you know what I mean) and takes a minute to wait for the bells to stop sounding in his head.

HALF-TIzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... huh? wha? someone scored?

Quote of the match:

Just because I've got a jar of sand from the Bahamas,
doesn't mean I've never been there.

~ guy two rows back yelling at guy down in frontwith an Olympique Lyonnais scarf on

Good lord, you just can't make shit like that up!

60' - SUB - Soolsma out, deGoo in. The "cool cat" just didn't have the legs in him.

65' - Maro to Koevermans to Johnson and everyone is afraid to take a shot because they believe the next person down the line has a better opportunity. They don't. They almost never do. Shoot the f'ing ball, already...

71' - Toronto appears to have reverted to a 3-7-0 formation. *facepalm*

73' - SUB - Dunfield out, Stinson in. Dunfield took a hard crash and his shoulder shortened his evening.

78' - Marosevic crosses to Koevermans and the ball gets tangled in his feet. Damn I hate when that happens.

79' - A discussion breaks out with the gentlemen in front of me, and we come to the conclusion that, simply put, "drunk bitches love 'staches"

Fig. 1

80' - SUB - Koevermans out, Yourassowsky in.

86' - Frings takes a low free kick from 15 yards out, a generous deflection just puts it wide right of the post but certainly out of the keeper's reach.

89' - "Even money on an Iro penalty!" ~ from the President of the Luton Town Supporters Club of North America, after predicting the launching of the ball over the net by deGoo not 2 minutes before.

3 minutes of extra time

90+2 - YELLOW - "Cowboy" Matt Stinson (wrestling/arm cast reference) booked for a bizarre non-tackle 15 yards out.

FULL TIME : Toronto FC 1, Tauro FC 0

Man of the Match : Eckersley was all over the park.

Goat of the Game : nobody was outright terrible, so we'll take a pass on this one.

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. They could've easily been card-happy, but the chaos that would've ensued prevented them from losing control. Also, blowing the off-side on Koeverman's goal gave them a point for pro-bias. For once.

Player Ratings : Kocic 6, Eckersley 7.5, Harden 6, Iro 6, Morgan 6, Soolsma 6 [deGoo N/A], Frings 6.5, Dunfield 6 [Stinson N/A], Marosevic 6.5, Koevermans 6.5 [Yourassowsky N/A], Johnson 6

Looks like that incentive to provide people who bought tickets to the wash-out v Dallas really worked. Nearly as many people showed up for this match... honestly, when Yourassowsky was subbed in, the first thought was "wow, that guy's still here!"... Who's going to town hall? We hope to be... Tauro FC had about as many sponsors on their kit as a Finnish hockey team... I wish Toronto resisted the idea of 'just screwing with them' in the opening minutes. I'm sure I would've nailed my prediction.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Sometime between Danny Koeverman's goal, our South Stand pal's villainous moustache and the inflatable Tauro bull, you, our faithful readers pushed our all-time attendance (hits) on this humble site over 100,000. We want to thank you for coming back time and time again to revel in our silly little TFC corner of the world. We love creating this site for TFC suporters but without our loyal readers it would mean little. We have some new fun and features planned as we look ahead to 2012 - or as we are trying to get MLSE to brand the next season... "SIXUAL HEALING". Thanks for being the 3-3 in our 4-3-3.


Yours in football - The Yorkies

THE MATCHUP: Tauronto Rocks!

The Tauro FC dressing room is so fun before a match!



TORONTO FC (3rd) VS. TAURO FC (4th)
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE - GROUP C
　
BMO FIELD - TUESDAY 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE
　
THE KICKABOUT:
It’s back to Champions League action as TFC make the trek to face TFC. Confused? That’s CONCACAF baby. Once again, this is what it sounds like when doves cry. Still confused? That’s Milhouse baby. After blowing their two chances in two days to beat FC Dallas in the last round of matches, The Reds have little room left for error in this competition. With little else to play for in 2011, the unpredictable and enigmatic Toronto have to be replaced with a killer instinct version of themselves while hoping that Pumas slips back into a coma. If the very beatable TFC (Canal-lover version) aren’t dispatched on Tuesday night then the book can be closed on meaningful competition until spring.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: “The Milhouser”
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TFC (Gringo): Torsten Frings, Ryan Johnson, Danny Koevermans
TFC (Canal): Juan Barrera, Silvio Morelos, Juan Perez,
　
THE ODDS:
- BMO Field’s scoreboard imploding as TFC v TFC is entered: 15-1
- Tauro FC’s kits housing more advertising than all of the side hoardings combined: 25-1
- 8,000 fans “magically” announced as 18,000: EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?
TFC v TFC is not the first time a more famous club has faced an acronym doppelganger named after an animal. Back in the late 1970’s, UEFA attempted to help the struggling European animal husbandry industry with the InterFarma Cup, a competition where established clubs played smaller clubs whose matching abbreviated names where animal related. Here’s a look at the 1978 InterFarma quarterfinal fixtures:
SWFC v SWFC - Sheffield Wednesday (ENG) v Sperm Whale FC (NOR)
PSG v PSG - Paris St. Germain (FRA) v Partially Shaved Goats (GRE)
MUFC v MUFC - Manchester Utd (ENG) v Monkey University FC (MAL)
AZ v AZ - AZ Alkmaar (NED) v Anxious Zebras (BUL)
　
THE WAGER: 2-1 TFC (Gringo) (2011: 20-20 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: “TFC MANHANDLE TFC”
　
And now, for the last time in 2011, please stand and remove your spandex jumpsuit for the Panamanian National Anthem…



Now, please remain standing for Toronto’s National Anthem brought to you by CityTV and a time machine…



An exciting week indeed...

AFTER 90: Reds survive CONCACAF's finest

Just imagine it constantly going up and down



IN THE TUNNEL:
Sing with us... "The Chaaaaaaamp-pions!" While hardly the stuff of Internazionale visiting Barcelona at the Nou Camp, tonight marks the start of Toronto FC's journey through this region's premier club tournament. It's a trip as far south as possible without being in the Copa Libertadores as The Reds visit CONCACAF's other TFC - Tauro FC of Panama City. Dodgy pitches, unique supporters and exceptionally shaky officiating is at the ready as Aron Winter attempts to guide his Torontotal Football through Group C. It seems as if local legend David Lee Roth is ready to sing the national anthem so we head to the stadium that celebrates tank commanders and 80's shortstops - Estadio Rommel Fernandez.
　
ON THE PITCH:
1' - After an ugly incident with Sammy Hagar the match is set to begin in front of dozens of Panamanians. Not enough "mania" for my liking. Kick-off...
7' - Joao Plata with the first chance of the night as he steps around Tauro's keeper but the wee Ecuadorian's shot was sharp angled and hits the side netting
10' - TFC Eh causing problems in TFC Ole box as Danny Koevermans nearly connects with a ball skipped in front of goal
15' - After their last experience in Central America, TFC must be pleased that the grass isn't knee-high
20' - YELLOW CARD: Who else would invite the wrath of CONCACAF referees? Andy Iro for just being Andy
21' - GOAL: Ryan Johnson picks up on some sloppy Tauro defending deep in their own area and smoothly slots it past the TFC Ole keeper
TAURO FC 0 - TORONTO FC 1
23' - GOAL: Julian de Guzman has become "de Bomber" with his second recent long range blast. This one bounces past a hapless Tauro keeper while players look around confused at a whistle that emanated from the crowd
TAURO FC 0 - TORONTO FC 2
31' - YELLOW CARD: Richard Eckersley letting his Salford show. Rash tackles will never go unnoticed in CONCACAF
33' - Tauro putting on all the pressure in the last five minutes forcing Milos Kocic to be on his toes
37' - SUB: Debut time as Dasan Robinson comes on for the red card destined Andy Iro
38' - Kocic gets caught on a Tauro volley but is headed off the line by "The Ginger Avenger" Richard Eckersley
45'+ - YELLOW CARD: Cuban ref thinks that handing out yellows to Toronto is "sticking it to capitalism". Matt Stinson's turn for a "CONCACARD". Halftime
　
HALFTIME: TAURO FC 0 - TORONTO FC 2
　
45' - SUB: Aron Winter puts Ashtone Morgan in to start the 2nd Half in place of fellow academy product Matt Stinson
50' - The Reds must have spent the halftime break watching a documentary about the Panama Canal because they haven't come out ready to play football
53' - Tauro's dominance leading to open headers in front of Kocic. TFC Eh are lucky TFC Ole doesn't have the chops to finish
58' - SUB: Mikael Yourassowsky makes a rare appearance as Koevermans ends a quiet night with a stretcher ride off the pitch. Didn't look too serious however
60' - 15 whole minutes without Toronto getting a "CONCACARD"!
64' - Tauro FC have decided to field the Panama Men's Olympic Diving team in the 2nd Half
71' - Another mystery foul gives Tauro a free kick that forces Kocic to smother it on the ground
73' - PENALTY: Julian de Guzman with one of the few fouls that was legitimate. Sadly it was in the TFC 6-yard box. PK taken by Tauro captain Lucho Moreno and GOAL
TAURO FC 1 - TORONTO FC 2
79' - Toronto leading Tauro in fouls given 194 - 2
81' - Traffic in Panama Canal grinds to a halt in shock as a Tauro player gets a yellow card!
84' - Tauro could easily have tied the match as shot whistles past Kocic's goalpost
88' - Kocic bowled over by Tauro (no call - shock) - Morgan clears ball off goal line. Close
90' - YELLOW CARD: Shock. de Guzman for nothing. Just stupid.
90'+ - Reds truly lucky that Tauro can't finish from open play as ref blows to end match. manages to do so without giving out a card
　
FULL TIME: TAURO FC 1 - TORONTO FC
　
IN THE BATHS:
Most of us are used to the nuttiness that goes along with playing in CONCACAF but tonight's "officiating display by Cuban Marco Brea became comical. When the match ended, Toronto "out-fouled" Tauro by a whopping 30-11. When stupidity like this takes place, good football will never be the result and tonight's match won't be one for the CONCACAF highlight DVD. That being said, The Reds 2nd Half performance did them no favours as the team was flat, disorganized and withering. As mentioned before, if Tauro FC had any actual finishing prowess from open play, this match would have had a different result. In the end, 3 points away in Central America are valuable but TFC Eh will have to be much sharper in future CCL fixtures. Terrible refs or not.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Ty Harden 6 / Andy Iro 6 (Dasan Robinson 6 ) / Danleigh Borman 6 / Julian de Guzman 6.5 / Matt Stinson 6 (Ashtone Morgan 6.5 ) / Ryan Johnson 6.5 / Peri Marosevic 6.5 / Danny Koevermans 5.5 (Mikael Yourassowsky 5.5 ) / Joao Plata 6.5
　
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Julian de Guzman
TALKING POINT: CONCACAF referees may give you a yellow card for reading this. Discuss.

THE MATCHUP: Panama! Pana-ma-ha!

"Please do the air splits for the National Anthem of Panama"



TAURO FC VS. TORONTO FC
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE - GROUP C
　
ESTADIO ROMMEL FERNANDEZ - THURSDAY 8PM ET
TV: SETANTA (Free View)
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Will Aron Winter trump his Toronto predecessors and take the CCL seriously or will it be a 6-game audition for 2012 jobs?
- How will the team react with its leader Torsten Frings out on a yellow card suspension?
- With ready-made excuses like humidity, wacky pitches and travel at hand, will The Reds have the fortitude to go for 3 points?
- Will Andy Iro need to wear a straight jacket to avoid the wrath of the always card-happy and overzealous CONCACAF "referees"?
- What happens to the space-time continuum when TFC meets TFC?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El Doppelganger"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TAURO FC: Javier Dussan, Juan Perez, Temistocles Perez
TORONTO FC: Richard Eckersley, Peri Marosevic, Joao Plata
　
THE ODDS:
- Crooked CONCACAF referees unsure of which TFC they were supposed to fix the match for: 20-1
- Confused American broadcasters referring to the clubs as "TFC Ole" and "TFC Eh": 30-1
- David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar uniting to belt out Panamanian National Anthem - "Panama!": 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- FIFA is rumoured to be interested in holding a bi-annual "TFC World Cup" featuring Toronto FC, Tauro FC, Toulouse FC, Torino FC and Fiji's Tavua FC
- The dodgy artificial pitch at Tauro's Estadio Rommel Fernandez almost caused CONCACAF to relocate Thursday's match aboard a tanker ship floating down the Panama Canal
- To entice fans, it is also "Noriega Bobblehead Night" at Tauro's ground. The first 1,000 fans receive the likeness of the infamous dictator - which is actually just a pineapple with a bendy-straw stuck in the bottom
　
THE WAGER: 0-0 Draw (2011: 18-15 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "REDS PREPARE FOR CANAL PROBE"

CONCACAF GEOGRAPHIC: The Travelling Supporter's Guide to: Tauro FC

"TFC!" (clap, clap, clap) "TFC!... hey, wait a minute..."



The Yorkies present "CONCACAF Geographic" - a three-part travel guide for those with the expendable funds, masochistic streak and strong stomach to tackle supporting Toronto FC away during the Champions League Group Stage. Our travel department has been hard at work to bring you this three-part bonus, non-pullout, section of The Yorkies. Pack your bags for Part 3 of 3...
　
WHAT TEAM AM I WATCHING?
You are watching TFC. No, not that TFC... that TFC. It's Tauro FC, the pride of Panama City, Panama. This is what it sounds like when doves cry. The Panamanian stalwarts are led to the rocky, humid pitch by the outrageously named Panamanian forward Temistocles Perez who could quite possibly be a part-time Greek philosopher. Founded in 1984 by the most trustworthy of businessmen - an Italian industrialist - the club is styled on Juventus and wears similar kits to their Turin cousins. Wait until they find out Toronto FC was styled after Swindon Town! One of the club's official nicknames is "El Mas Laureado" which translates to "The Most Successful". Of course that's "most successful" Panamanian club. Like being the tallest midget.
　
WHERE AM I GOING?
"The Gateway to Canal Pleasure" - Panama City, is home to Tauro FC. Located in the historic "Cholera District", Latino TFC play in the "olympian" Cancha Sintetica Rommel Fernandez stadium. "Cancha Sintetica" actually means "synthetic surface" while Rommel Fernandez was a hero of the American Panamanian invasion who was related to both WWII German tank commander Erwin Rommel and 1980's Blue Jays shortstop Tony Fernandez. If you have free time to venture around some of Panama City's sites before the match, we highly recommend Canal Street for a selection of fine knock-off watches, visit El Museo de Bizarro Coconuts, and see the statue of the man who wrote the nation's national anthem - David Lee Roth.
　
HOW DO I GET THERE?
Panama City's Tocumen Slightly International Airport doesn't currently offer direct flights from Toronto but there are easy connections from Pearson Airport with stops in Kansas City, Missouri -Tallahassee, Florida - Port Au Prince, Haiti - San Salvador, El Salvador - an offshore drilling site and then directly into Panama City from there. Alternatively, you can sail down either side of North America and enter the city canally.
　
WHAT SHOULD I TAKE WITH ME?
Panama's tourism slogan is "The Humidest Place on Earth" so we mostly recommend 5-10 changes of underpants per day. Suffering what the locals refer to as "canal sudarosa" (translated: "sweaty canal") can lead to an afternoon of very uncomfortable touring. If there is one thing Panamanians know - a leaky canal is cause for alarm. Dressing in tearaway 80's clothing in the style of local legend Senor Lee Roth is a widely accepted alternative to regular attire.
　
WHAT SHOULD I EAT & DRINK?
The most famous cocktail in this tropical continent-joining nation honours one of its most infamous figures. The "Noriega" is filled with a secretive mixture of American and local spirits and served in a hollowed out pineapple. Accompany a "Noriega" with the local delicacy of "Misterio Mezcla" which is only served to North American tourists in hotel bars. The locals love to watch "gringos" chow down on a big bowl and giggle happily as you do. So generous are the Panamanian in spirit that they would never even think of eating any, kindly saving it for visitors.
　
WHAT SHOULD I LOOK OUT FOR?
Experienced travellers will tell you that if it is your first time trying to enter a canal region, you should do it slowly and with care. Take your time and don't rush the experience, your travelling partner will thank you for it. It may seem like a difficult and unusual place to visit at first, but once inside, the lush wonders will have you wanting to come back regularly. If your wife ever lets you... you know, what with the price of flights and stuff.
　
WHAT'S A HANDY PHRASE TO REMEMBER?
"Por favor, no disparen - se que todas las palabras de Van Halen 'Hot for Teacher'!"
(Translated: "Please don't shoot - I know all the words to Van Halen's 'Hot for Teacher'!")
　
Now, please rise for Panama’s National Anthem…

THE STARTING 11: Derogatory Panamanian nicknames for Toronto FC

Panama: Hot canal action



One of the best things about Toronto FC's qualification into CONCACAF Champions League proper is the chance to meet new opponents. The finest of the finest Caribbean, North and Central American squads doing battle to crown the ultimate regional champion... like a battle royale... with midgets. TFC opens its group stage against... TFC. Yes, the other CONCACAF TFC - Panama's Tauro FC. This is what it sounds like when doves cry. While we always have silly things to say about The Reds' opponents - we wonder how Panama's press is cheekily referring to our TFC...
　
11. "Donut-eating Iceholes"
　
10. "Non-Continent joiners"
　
9. "Bunch of Steve's"
　
8. "Major League Gringos"
　
7. "North Mexicans"
　
6. "Fake Tauro FC"
　
5. "Equator Haters"
　
4. "Smooth grass softies"
　
3. Yankee hats"
　
2. "Tiny canal lovers"
　
1. "CONCACAF's tall white guy"