THE MATCHUP: Tauronto Rocks!

The Tauro FC dressing room is so fun before a match!



TORONTO FC (3rd) VS. TAURO FC (4th)
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE - GROUP C
　
BMO FIELD - TUESDAY 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE
　
THE KICKABOUT:
It’s back to Champions League action as TFC make the trek to face TFC. Confused? That’s CONCACAF baby. Once again, this is what it sounds like when doves cry. Still confused? That’s Milhouse baby. After blowing their two chances in two days to beat FC Dallas in the last round of matches, The Reds have little room left for error in this competition. With little else to play for in 2011, the unpredictable and enigmatic Toronto have to be replaced with a killer instinct version of themselves while hoping that Pumas slips back into a coma. If the very beatable TFC (Canal-lover version) aren’t dispatched on Tuesday night then the book can be closed on meaningful competition until spring.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: “The Milhouser”
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TFC (Gringo): Torsten Frings, Ryan Johnson, Danny Koevermans
TFC (Canal): Juan Barrera, Silvio Morelos, Juan Perez,
　
THE ODDS:
- BMO Field’s scoreboard imploding as TFC v TFC is entered: 15-1
- Tauro FC’s kits housing more advertising than all of the side hoardings combined: 25-1
- 8,000 fans “magically” announced as 18,000: EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?
TFC v TFC is not the first time a more famous club has faced an acronym doppelganger named after an animal. Back in the late 1970’s, UEFA attempted to help the struggling European animal husbandry industry with the InterFarma Cup, a competition where established clubs played smaller clubs whose matching abbreviated names where animal related. Here’s a look at the 1978 InterFarma quarterfinal fixtures:
SWFC v SWFC - Sheffield Wednesday (ENG) v Sperm Whale FC (NOR)
PSG v PSG - Paris St. Germain (FRA) v Partially Shaved Goats (GRE)
MUFC v MUFC - Manchester Utd (ENG) v Monkey University FC (MAL)
AZ v AZ - AZ Alkmaar (NED) v Anxious Zebras (BUL)
　
THE WAGER: 2-1 TFC (Gringo) (2011: 20-20 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: “TFC MANHANDLE TFC”
　
And now, for the last time in 2011, please stand and remove your spandex jumpsuit for the Panamanian National Anthem…



Now, please remain standing for Toronto’s National Anthem brought to you by CityTV and a time machine…



An exciting week indeed...

THE MATCHUP: Panama! Pana-ma-ha!

"Please do the air splits for the National Anthem of Panama"



TAURO FC VS. TORONTO FC
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE - GROUP C
　
ESTADIO ROMMEL FERNANDEZ - THURSDAY 8PM ET
TV: SETANTA (Free View)
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Will Aron Winter trump his Toronto predecessors and take the CCL seriously or will it be a 6-game audition for 2012 jobs?
- How will the team react with its leader Torsten Frings out on a yellow card suspension?
- With ready-made excuses like humidity, wacky pitches and travel at hand, will The Reds have the fortitude to go for 3 points?
- Will Andy Iro need to wear a straight jacket to avoid the wrath of the always card-happy and overzealous CONCACAF "referees"?
- What happens to the space-time continuum when TFC meets TFC?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El Doppelganger"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TAURO FC: Javier Dussan, Juan Perez, Temistocles Perez
TORONTO FC: Richard Eckersley, Peri Marosevic, Joao Plata
　
THE ODDS:
- Crooked CONCACAF referees unsure of which TFC they were supposed to fix the match for: 20-1
- Confused American broadcasters referring to the clubs as "TFC Ole" and "TFC Eh": 30-1
- David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar uniting to belt out Panamanian National Anthem - "Panama!": 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- FIFA is rumoured to be interested in holding a bi-annual "TFC World Cup" featuring Toronto FC, Tauro FC, Toulouse FC, Torino FC and Fiji's Tavua FC
- The dodgy artificial pitch at Tauro's Estadio Rommel Fernandez almost caused CONCACAF to relocate Thursday's match aboard a tanker ship floating down the Panama Canal
- To entice fans, it is also "Noriega Bobblehead Night" at Tauro's ground. The first 1,000 fans receive the likeness of the infamous dictator - which is actually just a pineapple with a bendy-straw stuck in the bottom
　
THE WAGER: 0-0 Draw (2011: 18-15 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "REDS PREPARE FOR CANAL PROBE"

CONCACAF GEOGRAPHIC: The Travelling Supporter's Guide to: Tauro FC

"TFC!" (clap, clap, clap) "TFC!... hey, wait a minute..."



The Yorkies present "CONCACAF Geographic" - a three-part travel guide for those with the expendable funds, masochistic streak and strong stomach to tackle supporting Toronto FC away during the Champions League Group Stage. Our travel department has been hard at work to bring you this three-part bonus, non-pullout, section of The Yorkies. Pack your bags for Part 3 of 3...
　
WHAT TEAM AM I WATCHING?
You are watching TFC. No, not that TFC... that TFC. It's Tauro FC, the pride of Panama City, Panama. This is what it sounds like when doves cry. The Panamanian stalwarts are led to the rocky, humid pitch by the outrageously named Panamanian forward Temistocles Perez who could quite possibly be a part-time Greek philosopher. Founded in 1984 by the most trustworthy of businessmen - an Italian industrialist - the club is styled on Juventus and wears similar kits to their Turin cousins. Wait until they find out Toronto FC was styled after Swindon Town! One of the club's official nicknames is "El Mas Laureado" which translates to "The Most Successful". Of course that's "most successful" Panamanian club. Like being the tallest midget.
　
WHERE AM I GOING?
"The Gateway to Canal Pleasure" - Panama City, is home to Tauro FC. Located in the historic "Cholera District", Latino TFC play in the "olympian" Cancha Sintetica Rommel Fernandez stadium. "Cancha Sintetica" actually means "synthetic surface" while Rommel Fernandez was a hero of the American Panamanian invasion who was related to both WWII German tank commander Erwin Rommel and 1980's Blue Jays shortstop Tony Fernandez. If you have free time to venture around some of Panama City's sites before the match, we highly recommend Canal Street for a selection of fine knock-off watches, visit El Museo de Bizarro Coconuts, and see the statue of the man who wrote the nation's national anthem - David Lee Roth.
　
HOW DO I GET THERE?
Panama City's Tocumen Slightly International Airport doesn't currently offer direct flights from Toronto but there are easy connections from Pearson Airport with stops in Kansas City, Missouri -Tallahassee, Florida - Port Au Prince, Haiti - San Salvador, El Salvador - an offshore drilling site and then directly into Panama City from there. Alternatively, you can sail down either side of North America and enter the city canally.
　
WHAT SHOULD I TAKE WITH ME?
Panama's tourism slogan is "The Humidest Place on Earth" so we mostly recommend 5-10 changes of underpants per day. Suffering what the locals refer to as "canal sudarosa" (translated: "sweaty canal") can lead to an afternoon of very uncomfortable touring. If there is one thing Panamanians know - a leaky canal is cause for alarm. Dressing in tearaway 80's clothing in the style of local legend Senor Lee Roth is a widely accepted alternative to regular attire.
　
WHAT SHOULD I EAT & DRINK?
The most famous cocktail in this tropical continent-joining nation honours one of its most infamous figures. The "Noriega" is filled with a secretive mixture of American and local spirits and served in a hollowed out pineapple. Accompany a "Noriega" with the local delicacy of "Misterio Mezcla" which is only served to North American tourists in hotel bars. The locals love to watch "gringos" chow down on a big bowl and giggle happily as you do. So generous are the Panamanian in spirit that they would never even think of eating any, kindly saving it for visitors.
　
WHAT SHOULD I LOOK OUT FOR?
Experienced travellers will tell you that if it is your first time trying to enter a canal region, you should do it slowly and with care. Take your time and don't rush the experience, your travelling partner will thank you for it. It may seem like a difficult and unusual place to visit at first, but once inside, the lush wonders will have you wanting to come back regularly. If your wife ever lets you... you know, what with the price of flights and stuff.
　
WHAT'S A HANDY PHRASE TO REMEMBER?
"Por favor, no disparen - se que todas las palabras de Van Halen 'Hot for Teacher'!"
(Translated: "Please don't shoot - I know all the words to Van Halen's 'Hot for Teacher'!")
　
Now, please rise for Panama’s National Anthem…

THE STARTING 11: Derogatory Panamanian nicknames for Toronto FC

Panama: Hot canal action



One of the best things about Toronto FC's qualification into CONCACAF Champions League proper is the chance to meet new opponents. The finest of the finest Caribbean, North and Central American squads doing battle to crown the ultimate regional champion... like a battle royale... with midgets. TFC opens its group stage against... TFC. Yes, the other CONCACAF TFC - Panama's Tauro FC. This is what it sounds like when doves cry. While we always have silly things to say about The Reds' opponents - we wonder how Panama's press is cheekily referring to our TFC...
　
11. "Donut-eating Iceholes"
　
10. "Non-Continent joiners"
　
9. "Bunch of Steve's"
　
8. "Major League Gringos"
　
7. "North Mexicans"
　
6. "Fake Tauro FC"
　
5. "Equator Haters"
　
4. "Smooth grass softies"
　
3. Yankee hats"
　
2. "Tiny canal lovers"
　
1. "CONCACAF's tall white guy"