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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Final report cards at Aron Winter Total Technical Institute

"Cafeteria?" Left at the windmill, right at the clogmaking class"

It has been a school year of change on the shores of Lake Ontario. After Preki Junior High was shut down last year, with crusty Dean Mo Johnston run out of town, many wondered what new curriculum would be brought in. When it was announced that the Winter Technical Institute was to open in PJH's place - the dumb jocks knew their days were numbered.
 
Under the tutelage of Dutch master Aron Winter and his wacky P.E. teacher Bob de Klerk, education in the Football Sciences was turned on its head. Many new students enrolled in 2011, some excelling while others dropping out after finding the lessons impossible to comprehend. But alas, the school year has ended and the dreaded final report cards must be sent home....
 
THE VALEDICTORIANS
JOAO PLATA B+ : Like watching Webster and Pele's love child
DANNY KOEVERMANS A - : After 5 years, the first true striker
TORSTEN FRINGS A : A true captain. Best football mind on the pitch
RICHARD ECKERSLEY A - : Heart, skill and grit. Thanks Burnley.
 
THE HONOUR ROLL
JULIAN DE GUZMAN B - : Best year at TFC... but wa$ it enough?
ERIC AVILA B : Great addition with upside - traded for spare parts
RYAN JOHNSON B: Useful. Needs more Bob Charlton, less Bob Marley
NICK SOOLSMA B - : Slowly became valuable depth. Just loves cats.
STEFAN FREI B : Still our # 1. Deserves to start 2012 in goal
MILOS KOCIC B - : Solid back-up but handling and distribution shaky
PERI MAROSEVIC C + :Good young depth with great attitude
 
WINTER-SUMMER SCHOOL
ANDY IRO C - : Looks like John Barnes, defends like Priscilla Barnes
NATHAN STURGIS C - : Played like he never wanted to be here
MIKAEL YOURASSOWSKY C - : Versatile but too reckless and a diver
TY HARDEN C - : Not starter quality. On the hook for too many goals
TERRY DUNFIELD C : Scant minutes but gung-ho veteran presence
DANLEIGH BORMAN C : Decent on wing, often atrocious on defence
GIANLUCA ZAVARISE C - : Outshined by young American additions
JAVIER MARTINA D : What a player! (Valid for one match only)
EDDY VIATOR D - : File under "Emergency Buy". Out of depth in MLS
 
THE FRESHMEN
DONEIL HENRY C - : "Oh Henry" tends to melt under the heat
ASHTONE MORGAN B - Set "The Tone" for future Academy grads
MATT STINSON C+ : "Cowboy" Matt Stinson must channel exuberance
OSCAR CORDON C - : Flash of potential but needs to eat more
MATT GOLD D + : "Ginger Quota" filled by Eckersley. Mostly invisible
 
THE SICK NOTES
ADRIAN CANN B - : Really, really good looking. Really, ugly injury.
DICOY WILLIAMS B - : Was coming into his own when injury struck.
ELBEKAY BOUCHIBA N/A :Mystery man who could doom JDG's job
NICHOLAS LINDSAY N/A : Lay off the winter sports son.
 
THE NO-SHOWS
DEMETRIUS OMPHROY N/A : If Twitter was footy, he'd be Maradona
KEITH MAKUBUYA N/A : Robbed us of chances to yell "Booyah!"
LEANDRE GRIFFIT N/A : Most mysterious Frenchman since Clouseau
KYLE DAVIES N/A : Easily in TFC's All-Time Top 100 Kyles
 
THE DROP-OUTS
ALEN STVANOVIC D - : Never met a teammate he wanted to pass to
DWAYNE DE ROSARIO C: "A" for play, "E" for drama = C. A shame.
NANA ATTAKORA D : Got bad advice, could still be on TFC defence
ALAN GORDON C + : Was almost "Yankee Dichio", sadly made of glass
JACOB PETERSON C - : Legend in his own mind. Anti-Canuckite.
TONY TCHANI C+ : The next big thing... for 17 matches
DAN GARGAN C - : Once a plumber, always a plumber
MAICON SANTOS C : Most overrated Red ever. Farewell Mike Sanders
DASAN ROBINSON N/A : "There's only one Robbo"... Carl.

6 comments:

  1. "MAICON SANTOS C : Most overrated Red ever."

    A little harsh, don't you think? Last year he played effectively in the target man striker role for the club, setting up both goals away to Montagua, and the club's fortunes definitely went south after he went down with injury. This year, after first match setting up DeRo and then scoring another his play completely bombed out when he was used in the attacking mid position which he clearly wasn't suited for. Maybe last season was simply a mirage but I can think of other guys who did fuck all in their time here and yet were afforded the same excuse (Laurent Robert, Vitti, and the biggest bust of all...Mista).

    ReplyDelete
  2. ^ Thanks for your rebuttal - it is appreciated.

    Our thinking is that Santos ended up with way more of a "manufactured" aura while he was here - much of it promoted by the club itself. Robert, Vitti & Mista were most definitely bigger busts here - but not really here long enough to be "rated" at all. Santos flattered to deceive and was invisible for long stretches while being promoted as a top striker. After watching De Koef for 2 months - we now know what one of those looks like.

    Being Brazilian got him a lot of rope - if he was Mike Sanders from Ohio, he would have got a lot more stick here. Not to worry - we still dislike Jacob Peterson a whole lot more.

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  3. What I find as a common thread amongst amongst fan posters and bloggers alike is this tendency spin a myriad of excuses in defence of someone who's l liked and a total absence of said excuses (even though they would also apply) to guys the poster/s dislike. Santos clearly wasn't performing this year and needed to go but had delivered last season as a targetman striker and having him used in the attacking mid position didn't help his cause.

    Just as an aside (and compliment) I totally agree with your top four "valedictorians," especially Frings. Without him, the other guys and especially the players in the Honour Roll and below would still have been "a work in progress," for want of a better term.

    Thanks for the intelligent, reasoned and (most importantly) mature response.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "NATHAN STURGIS C - : Never wanted to be here"

    What's your source?

    ReplyDelete
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  6. ^ this guy must have loved Dan Gargan.

    ReplyDelete