"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "A bit of an old exhibition"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"　

　
Hello Stan,
I'm the captain of a struggling house league soccer team and we need your help! Our starts are awful, can you tell us how you prepared for a match? Love your column! Nick - Oakville, ON
　
Soccer? I didn't see a French or Yank postage stamp on this letter... but I assume you mean football, boy. Already down 1-0 Nicholas - but all hopes are not dashed. Best pre-match preparation Old Stan ever did was during my glorious time at Crewe Alexandra. Half an hour before a match I'd lift 5 Foot 4 forward Bert Llewellyn on my shoulders and we'd sprint down to the local bakeshop. After stopping to throw some rocks at local ne'er-do-wells, me and wee Bert would buy a box of meat pies and munch on them on the sprint back to Gresty Road. Meat pies... Jewel of the North. Love a bit of an old Melton Mowbray to this day - they've got gelatin inside! Made from ground up animal bones, you know! Best of luck at your... soccer.
　
Mr. Bentley,
My wife and I recently went on vacation with a couple who were very "open" in public. I wasn't too keen on it really - how do you feel about exhibitionism? David - Rochester, NY
　
See here David, you are being quite the old stick in the mud aren't you? What's wrong with a bit of an old exhibition? Why you'll find Stan every spring at The Royal Gentleman's Belt and Suspender Exhibition at the Crystal Palace. All of the latest advances in masculine trouser fastening are made very "open" to the public! Why would anyone be weary of such a genteel day out? Bought myself a belt made from swordfish once - talk about looking "sharp"! Have fun laddie!
　
Hi Stan,
Now that TFC's season is done I'm back to watching hockey. Problem is, when I visit the in-laws they never have the game on. Is there a polite way of putting it on? Go Leafs Go! Gus - Oshawa, ON
　
I am utterly confused - where exactly are your leaves headed? (By the way lad, your Queen's grammar needs some work) Run-ins with the in-laws is nothing to be sneered at me old China, but surely your father-in-law, being from the male race, would understand the importance of listening to a big match on the wireless. Why you would be getting so worked up about Field Hockey though is beyond me. Dandys faffing about on a lawn with table legs wearing short pants. It is a rather popular sport on the Indian sub-continent though. Then again, they are fond of Bengal Tigers down that way as well - they'll eat your face faster than a Geordie on a Mars Bar. Best of luck removing your leaves!
　
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue